Nuclear Family Warhead

An Homage to the Worst Movies Ever

Showgirls (1995) This movie was so bad that in many theaters, the seats were walking out.  I won’t waste too much time on it, but if you have 2 hours and 8 minutes of your life that you could care less about, then rent it. First off the main characters name is Nomi (Know Me), as in “come get to know me?”, “you don’t know me?”  The writer was trying to be profound, but it just turned out to be stupid.  The ridiculousness of this movie can be summed up in one scene: The infamous pool scene.  Now, as we all know, every person on earth has sex the way Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan were, right?  I mean, that’s just the way it’s done!  Lots of thrashing, and make sure you’re in water.  Works everytime.  This movie should have ended with that scene.  As Elizabeth Berkley is thrashing about in close-up, the camera could slowly back away to reveal Kyle MacLachlan separating his whites from his colors, and the more Elizabeth thrashes, the more detergent and laundry he throws in.  The closing scene should have been both of them sitting poolside smoking cigarettes beside a large pile of freshly laundered shirts, the ashtray balanced carefully on top of a bottle of Downy April Fresh Scent.

Legend of the Lone Ranger (1981)  Hi-Yo-Budget, Away!!  You know your movie is going to turn out bad when the star can’t even talk.  The producers of this forgetable movie had to re-dub all of Klinton Spilsbury’s dialog because you couldn’t understand what he was saying.  Rumors said he was: 1) drunk, 2) had a “less than manly” voice, or 3) just sounded like he had marbles in his mouth.  The bad news for the makers of this film is that it was still 1981, and going straight to video wasn’t even an option yet.  I heard they did try for the “laserdisc” market though; you know, the 38 people on the globe that could afford the $1,200 player and the $60 discs?  Those are what they cost back in 1981!  Adjusted for inflation it would be in the $8,000 range today, I’m sure.  This actually turned out to be TWO roles for Klinton: his first, and his last.  He never made another movie.

 Bio-Dome (1996)  I liked this movie the first time I saw it; when it was called Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.  Drop Bill and Ted into the middle of the desert and have them stumble across a scientific experiment.  Hilarity ensues.  Only it didn’t.  Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin playing stoners?  How could it miss!  Pauly Shore wasn’t exactly working out of his comfort zone.  The shame is that Stephen Baldwin is a decent actor; loved him in The Usual Suspects.  It’s too bad he smudged his resume with this bomb.  Save your Netflix pick and move on to something else.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS