Nuclear Family Warhead

As some of you have no doubt noticed, my sidebar went to a rave and got ahold of some bad blotter acid, or something.  Nothing I’ve tried has fixed the situation. So; since this theme has a history of bad behavior, missed curfews and snarky back-talking, it is grounded for a month.  It will not leave this Theme Editor until it’s attitude changes.  In it’s place we have it’s older, more responsible brother theme.  This theme minds it’s P’s & Q’s and knows when to keep it’s mouth shut.  No arrests, no convictions.  He’s a little shy, otherwise he would have been here taking care of business all along.  Please be patient with him as we redecorate his room.  Snarky back-talker theme is moving to the basement bedroom.  Teach him to toy with me.  Little smart aleck.  Please excuse us while we fix things up.

At dinner last night Nukeboy2 was showing off his big brain.  “Ask me some words to spell Dad!”  Obviously grammar is riding in the back seat at this point.  We made it through “Kat” and “Shuld” before I remembered that in the 2nd grade, it’s all about fawnicks.  I mean; phonics.   I don’t feel that it is the best way to teach a child, which is evident when Nukeboy2 tries to read me something he has written “phonetically”.   He struggles with the pronunciation because his brain knows what the word looks like when he reads it in a book, but he gets confused when he tries to read what he has “sounded out”.  I think it has had an effect on his hearing also.  I think he is hearing “phonetically”.  During the course of this spelling bee I told him that before he knew it he would be “A sesquipedalian”, to which he responded; “Dad, why would I want to be obsessed with an Alien?”  After I finushd choking on mi stayke and beens, I tuk a drik of wadder and triyed to explane.  He understood what I was telling him, and I’m not worried in the least.  He is an incredibly smart kid and I know he’ll do fine next year when they actually teach him how to spell correctly and erase the waste of time that was the 2nd grade.

Our little experiment reminded me of all the times I thought I knew the words to a certain song, only to be outed in a most embarrassing way at the most inopportune moment.  Like when Train was singing “and that Heaven is overrated” and I thought it was: “and that Van Halen is overrated”.  NukeMom laughed for a month after correcting me on that one.  My little sister once thought that Lipps, Inc. were singing “won’t you take me to Bogota” when they were actually singing “won’t you take me to Funkytown“.  It didn’t help matters that her class was studying South America at the time.  A girl that I know swears that her college roommate used to sing “I’ve never seen your pizza burnin’” in perfect tune to the Rolling Stones’ “Beast of Burden“.  Fact is, there are a million of them out there and I’m sure some of you have some good stories to tell.  So let’s hear them!  Let me know your most embarrassing misheard lyric moment.  You can check the site Kiss This Guy to see how many other people share your karaoke nightmare.  I used to think God created karaoke so that we would all stop getting the words to songs wrong; but then I remembered that by the time you’ve had enough drinks to get up there and sing, you can’t read anyway.

The test results came back, and AP is in the clear.  Cujo the squirrel didn’t have rabies.  We already knew that, of course, it’s just nice to have validation.  Cujo did have an affliction, though; he had a scorching case of “The Stupids”.  This virus can manifest itself in many different forms and is easily transferable between species.  It has many different levels of infection.  A mild case of “The Stupids” could cause you to go out and buy a Jonas Brothers CD at the age of 27.  The cure in this instance would be to give the CD to a little brother, sister or niece/nephew.  A few more days of bed rest, and you should be fine.  A really bad case of “The Stupids” may cause you to wear multiple gold chains around your neck and only button your shirt up to your belly button.  In modern times the largest outbreak of “The Stupids” was seen in New York City in the late 70’s.  This particular strain was called the “Disco-staphylococcus” strain and actually spread nationwide before being brought under control in the early 80’s.  Researchers worked tirelessly to come up with a cure for “Disco-staphylococcus” and they finally made the break through in 1980.  They called it “NewWaveicillin”.  It was a second generation version of the original “PunkRockicillin” which had too many side effects.  Patients complained of spiked, colored hair, safety pins through the nose and projectile vomiting.  “NewWaveicillin” had far fewer side effects; the most serious being an acquired addiction to John Hughes movies. 

Wow, that was quite the tangent!  There’s a reason for it, and I’ll explain in a minute, but let’s get back to AP for a minute.  He really is doing fine.  He knew that before he went to the hospital, but you can’t take chances when you’re attacked by a squirrel.  In the 75 times that it has happened since they started keeping records back in 1874, seeking medical help is always first on the list.  That’s an average of one squirrel attack every year and a half; so anyone reading this who wants to feed the squirrels in the park can do so safely until November of 2009.  I’d start getting leery around September or October of ‘09 just to be safe.  AP looks fine.  Here is a picture for you.  He looks a little grey, but the Doctors say that’s a normal reaction to the antibiotic they gave him; arsenicicillinsomethingorrather.  They said the flaky skin will take care of itself also, but he can use a putty knife if he wants to expedite the process.  I offered my belt sander; we’ll see if he takes me up on it. 

Now; the explanation for the tangent.  I watched the 4 hours of the alleged “movie” The Andromeda Strain on A & E the other night and I was very disappointed.  I loved the original movie, and though I haven’t read it yet, the book has always been on my “must read” list.  It was written by Michael Crichton who gave us Jurassic Park, Congo, Sphere and many other great stories.  I saw the original movie when I was 10 or 11 and it scared the crap out of me.  I saw it again when I was older and had much better control of my bodily functions.  The new adaptation goes for glitz and over-embellishment where the original concentrates on pure story and suspense.  Thankfully the original will be airing this week also.  If you saw the new one but haven’t seen the original, do yourself a favor and watch the original.  It was made in 1971 when they didn’t have CGI, Lucasarts and the plethora of special effects options that they have today, so it relies on the story itself; and the story itself is great.  If you need Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck blowing things up, then you may not like it.  Either way, it’s worth a look. 

I found a really cool link.  You’ve all seen the “Motivational” posters of people conquering mountains with words like “Perseverance” or “Determination” underneath them?  They then go on to describe what “Perseverance” or “Determination” is and what it should mean to you.  They’re actually really kind of cool.  Therein lies the problem; they open themselves up for mockery and ridicule, and who am I to shy away from that?  The link I found allows you to make your own “De-motivational” poster.  You can upload your own picture, add your own title and text, and create your own poster.  You can then save the poster to your computer and use it to impress your friends.  I showed this one to all of my friends and they were both quite impressed.  Here are the first 3 of my creations.  I will add more as the wittiness comes to me.  Let me know what you think.  Hopefully, in the future, we can run a contest or two.  Oh, and, apologies to Rod Stewart; I’ve always been a fan (mostly), but he REALLY needs to take a break.  If it looks a little small to you, click on the picture and it will give you a little bigger picture to look at.  Oh, almost forgot; here is the link for the De-motivational Poster Generator.  Enjoy.

Here’s one that I made after writing this post about my experience at one of her concerts.  Please read the post before you send me hate mail about my “insensitivity”.

I just saw this picture and it spoke to me.  It said; “That girl is waaay too big for that car”.

Send me your posters as you get them done, I’d love to see what you come up with.

My friend Kyle the hat stealer, you remember him, just emailed me pictures of his son’s first trip to the horse track.  He told me that the little guy hit the daily double for $158 and won $323 on a quinella.  I suggested getting the tyke a golf pencil and teaching him lotto.  We’ll see.  If his luck holds, maybe the little guy will be sending me a check for 10% of their lotto millions.  You know, consulting fees and all.  Can a trip to Vegas be too far away?  I think not.  If you’re on a winning streak, you gotta stick with it; so Kyle, whatever you do, don’t change that kids diaper.  It’s bad luck.

*This is not a picture of Kyle’s baby.  His baby prefers Mandalay Bay, and wouldn’t be caught dead in a newborn baby exploiting Golden Palace dot com beanie*

As I’m sure you have noticed, Dr. Isaid No has been noticeably absent the last few weeks.  I was trying to avoid writing this post, but I feel that you, dear readers, have a right to know.  The Doc is missing.  Honest.  I have no idea where he is.  His face is too big for a milk carton, and he’s beyond the age limit as well, so I’m running out of options.  I’ve called Interpol, but no one answered at their “International Mad Scientists” desk.  Nurse Thighhighs is gone too, as are the children: Ebola, Bunson and Beaker.  They left about a week after the last time I saw the Doc.  I went to their house and combed over the yard, but didn’t find any fresh, shallow graves, so I’m reasonably sure that he is still alive.  The lab seemed to be in order, but the Lair was empty.  It’s quite possible that he has gotten himself caught up in some madman’s scheme again. 

Oh, you didn’t know?  Yeah, a long history of hanging out with shady characters; Qaddafi, Arafat, Hussein, Dr. Evil, SPECTRE, C.H.A.O.S., and  more recently; Putin, Chavez, the Clinton Campaign and an unconfirmed report that he was in the owners box at the Dallas Cowboys Divisional playoff game loss to the Giants.  Damn that Jerry Jones, can’t he see that the man is sick?  The last time Jones got his hooks in the Doc, Emmit Smith rushed for over 1,200 yards, and Barry Switzer almost sounded intelligent.  I’m not sure exactly what the Doc did while he was in Dallas, but let’s just say that the Doc was able to upgrade the lab after that trip.  Come to think of it, has anyone seen Barry Switzer since then? Hmmm.

Rest assured that we will leave no stone unturned in our search for Dr. Isaid No.  No, really, he loves cold, dark places; under rocks is the first place we will look.  He’s like Patrick Star with orange sunglasses.  Failure to find him there may lead us on a journey to the deepest, darkest slums of the Eastern Bloc.  Again, cold, dark places, he just loves them!  I can just picture him in some bar in a Prague slum celebrating the Czech’s Bronze medal in Hockey at the 1920 Olympic games in Antwerp.  He always was a hockey fan.  If you happen to see the Doc, please contact Interpol or your local High School Physical Science teacher; either of them will know what to do.

Full Disclosure: 

The Doc has been working tirelessly at school.  He just finished up last week, and then started back in again with Summer school this past Monday.  His classes are 4 hours a night, 4 nights a week.  Needless to say, his free time is almost non-existent.  If and when his school load eases up, he will return to being a regular contributor again; until then, you will continue to be stuck with me.  But that’s not all bad, is it?

I’ve stirred up a hornet’s nest with my Rick Astley comment yesterday.  Again; no link, just scroll.  Apparently there are quite a few Rick Astley fans left, and they both called me yesterday.  My intent was not to rile up the “Astleynation”, I was just making a point.  It seems that I am not alone in this regard.  The New York Mets fell victim to being “Rickroll’d” in early April, and other victims include the Eastern Washington University Women’s Basketball Team and The Church Of Scientology.  Mr. Astley is quite good natured about the whole thing, and actually embraces the idea.  Well, sort of.  He says he won’t try and capitalize on the phenomenon, but that’s probably because sales of his back catalog have increased to the point that he can cancel the second leg of his Dinner Theatre Tour this summer.  Go Rick!

I don’t hate Rick Astley, it’s just hard to process the audio/visual contradiction that is the “Never Gonna Give You Up” video (sorry, can’t bring myself to embed it).  He obviously deserves some credit for having such a soulful voice.  His parents, however, should be chastised for teaching him to dress like a Ken doll and eat like a bird.  That voice cannot be coming from that body.  I see Rick in this video, and all I can think of is Anthony Michael Hall asking Molly Ringwald if he can “Borrow her underpants for 10 minutes” in Sixteen Candles.  He looks like a 12 year old who stole his Mothers sunglasses.  Seriously, think about it; if you saw a Barry White video, but the sound coming out of the TV was “Karma Chameleon” by Culture Club, wouldn’t you question your sanity?   Don’t even get me started on the “Dance moves.”  Until I saw this video, I always thought running into a chain link fence was an accident, not a dance move.  Who choreographed this video, Elmer Fudd?  Oh great, now I’ll get inundated with hate mail from the “Looneytunesnation.”  Apologies in advance, Mr. Fudd.  Please don’t send Marvin the Martian to melt my face off with his explosive space modulator.  I think two things would have helped the credibility of the “Never Gonna Give You Up” video: longer hair and puberty.  

Jeremy over at Discovering Dad  asked me last week if I’d like to be a part of the “Spotlight On Dads” series that he runs each week.  Being such a newbie to the blogosphere, I was a little surprised and very humbled that he we would ask me.  I of course said yes, and you can find the results here.  If you are a first time visitor, or someone who has poked around a little bit before, I invite you to come on in, take your shoes off; stay awhile.  We haven’t been around that long, but I think you’ll find something to tickle your fancy.  Look around, peruse, investigate.  Some popular selections can be found here, here, here and here.  Thanks for stopping by!  We hope you come back often.

It all started with one of my “next times”.  Next time I take a shower, I’ll have to get the new bottle of shampoo, since I’m almost out.  The next time I took a shower, I repeated the exercise: Next time I take a shower, I’ll have to remember to get the new bottle, since I had to take the lid off and swish water around inside it to get any lather.  Well, guess what?  Today was “next time”. 

I showered without incident, and wet my hair for the shampoo course.  When I reached for the bottle, it toppled over into two pieces; bottle and cap, clinking and clanging relentlessly off of the shower walls.  I bent down and felt about blindly trying to locate both bottle and cap.  After putting the cap back on, I placed it back on the alcove in the shower (or so I thought), only to hear it clinking and clanging it’s way back to the shower floor.  I picked it up and threw it over the top of the shower curtain and heard it land safely in the bathtub.  There.  That solves that.  Now what? 

Nukeboy1 and Nukeboy2 both shower now, so I realized that I did have at least one option.  But, there had to be another way!  Dare I disturb NukeMom?  She was home doing some last minute cramming before heading out to take part 3 of the 4 part CPA exam.  She’s already passed parts 1 and 2 (Whoo Hoo!).  I thought better of disturbing her and bit the bullet.  I reached down and grabbed the bottle of Kid’s shampoo.  I dried my eyes and perused the label.  “Suave Kid’s 2 in 1 Shampoo-Shampoo AND Conditioner!”  Wow!  Both in one bottle!  That has to be good, right?  What’s this, down bottom?  Tear Free?  Detangling?  Righteous!  And then, I saw it.  As if the soccer playing/sunglasses wearing dogs’ collar medallion hadn’t already given it away.  The “scent” was (gulp) Wild Watermelon.  Oh dear God.

I shampooed as fast as I could, pushing thoughts of lip gloss, blow pops, pixie stix and Jolly Rancher’s out of my mind.  I did take time, however, to make a cool ultra-lather Mohawk and sing some Wayne Newton, ala Ferris Bueller: “I recall, Central Park in Fall.  You tore your dress, what a mess!”  I heard NukeMom through the door asking if everything was alright, so I yelled affirmative, and quickly rinsed my hair.  After toweling off and combing my hair, the aroma around my noggin’ seemed to have dissipated.  Thank goodness!  NukeMom gave me a goodbye kiss, and other than an odd glance, she was none the wiser.  I picked up Nukegirl from school, and after she gave me a kiss on the cheek she said: “Daddy, can I have a lollipop?”  I dismissed it as chance, as she is always asking for lollipops.  The killer, though, was when Nukeboy2 walked through the door a little while ago, and after giving me a hug said: “Did you buy candy at the store today?”, immediately followed by Nukeboy1 saying: “Dad, did you get some gum stuck in your hair?”  Next time I’ll just use the Dial bath bar soap and take my chances.

The mystery is solved, and the NukeVan is cool (well, on the inside, anyway).  Without spending 3 paragraphs describing what happened, suffice it to say that in addition to a new evaporator, the NukeVan required a new AC Compressor also.  Not the cheapest of parts, but through hard fought negotiations and a little gentle ranting on my part, we got the work (and parts) for 35% less than what they normally would have charged.  No admission of wrong doing was required by either side, and the file has been sealed and placed in a safe deposit box in an undisclosed location.

Sue over at Beggar’s Shot Glass has a good post to give you some perspective on the inner workings of a car dealership.  It’s a good read to help you next time you need to get work done on your car.  Thanks, Sue.  While I did get two opinions, I will definitely seek out a third next time.  Finding someone trustworthy to work on you car is important.  Second only to having a good plumber.  Remember; plumbing is like poker: A straight flush beats a full house.