Nuclear Family Warhead » CliffsNotes Recipes (Cliffipes)

Restaurant Quality Salsa ‘Cliffipe’

NukeDad — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 03:46:16 +0000

This one calls for a disclaimer. While I usually have fun with the ‘Cliffipes’, this one will be a little more serious. Namely because salsa just isn’t that funny. I have over 20+ years of restaurant experience under my belt. OK, so like 5 of those years are now hanging OVER my belt, but you get the idea. The point is that I’ve made, and tasted many salsas in my day, and this one will surprise you. Over 75% of the restaurants that you eat in that serve salsa start with Pace picante sauce as their base. Yes, the same stuff you can buy in the store. If you like your salsa chunky, then open the jar and have fun; we call that really bad ‘pico de gallo’ where I come from. But if you like actual ‘salsa’ as it was meant to be made and eaten, then read on.

Find your blender
Clean out the remnants of Margarita’s from your Super Bowl Party
Didn’t know lime juice and salt would be so hard to clean off, did you?
Items you will need:
1 jar of salsa-I suggest the store brand, cheaper and usually identical
Guess who probably makes salsa for Wal-mart? Try and keep Pace with me
1 bunch cilantro
3 medium tomato’s-ripe/over ripe-buy the mushy ones! They’re not going on your sandwich!
Water
Salt and Pepper
1 lime
Put 3-6 sprigs of cilantro in blender. Don’t over do it, it’s strong. Use more or less to taste
Add 1 1/2 tomato’s, cut in quarters
Add 1/2 jar of Wal-mart (I said it again!) Medium salsa
You can use hot if you like. They also have mild, but then, what would be the point?
Add salt and pepper to taste-if you over/under do it, you can adjust making 2nd half of batch
Squeeze in 1/2 lime. FREE TIP: roll lime against the counter (hard) before cutting-more juice!
Add water: approx. 1/2 to 2/3 cup to start. You can adjust just like with the salt and pepper
Fire up the Cuisinart-don’t go too long, keep checking consistency, you can’t ‘unblend’
Pour contents into large bowl and taste. Too salty? Too much cilantro? Now you know what to add more of, or less of with the 2nd half of the batch, just repeat the process.
Throw away the rest of the cilantro, or go here, I don’t get any more use out of it
Use liberally on bad food to make it taste better.
Goes great on the myriad uses of Mexi-Meat
Don’t forget to yell “Ole’!” when you’re done
For God’s sake, clean the blender this time

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Chicken ala Something ‘Cliffipe’

NukeDad — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 18:23:21 +0000

If chicken isn’t thawed, now would be a good time to start
Use cold running water to thaw, hot water only gives you funky chicken
Plan ahead next time
Never mind, if you had planned ahead, you wouldn’t be reading this
Look in pantry. See anything good? Use it
Chicken is like blue jeans-it goes with almost anything
Mushrooms, olives, vegetables, mac & cheese-everybody’s a candidate
Pick a noodle. Any noodle.
Spaghetti, fettuccine, linguine, penne-you get the idea
If using rice instead of noodles, you’re gonna need more sauce
Use soy, teriyaki, white wine, sherry, and water, if your in a pinch
Saute chicken with liquid. When it’s kinda brown, throw in the solids
When solids get kinda mushy, it’s done
You did start the rice/noodles, didn’t you?
Set foundation with rice or noodles
Spoon chicken (insert ingredients here) on top
The fussier the kid, the more juice you’ll need
If all of your kids are fussy, add bread as a side dish
Name your creation. IMPORTANT! Do this last-you never know what’s going to end up in there

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The Epiphany Of A ‘Cliffipe’

NukeDad — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 15:41:54 +0000

It occurred to me after my last “Cliffipe” entry that some people may be wondering which Steak and Meat Seasoning NukeDad uses in his mexi-meat. It also occurred to me that some people may be wondering “What the heck is Steak and Meat Seasoning?”, so I decided that I would share that information with you. It’s not like it’s a closely guarded secret, heck, I don’t even give measurements. But then, that’s kinda the point, isn’t it?

So here it is: a link to the greatest steak, chicken, ground beef, pork, turkey, soup, ~~cookies~~ seasoning ever. It comes from The Mexican Food Capital of the World, El Paso, Texas; my old stomping grounds. In addition to the best Mexican food on the planet, El Paso also has a plethora of fantastic Steak and BBQ restaurants. But that is fodder for another post. Go to the Great American Land and Cattle Company website to place your order.

To answer the question some may be asking, NO, I have absolutely no affiliation with this restaurant and will receive no monetary gain for plugging it. In fact, when I lived in EP, I actually worked for one of their competitors. It’s just great stuff, and people need to know about it. Happy Grilling!

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Mexi-Meat Build-a-Meal Workshop ‘Cliffipe’

NukeDad — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 04:56:26 +0000

Brown alot of Ground Beef
Season with: Steak and Meat Seasoning, Chile Powder and Cumin
Add potato (cubed) and diced green chiles
Lay mexi-meat in small flour tortilla. Fold it in half and you have a soft taco
Roll it up in big flour tortilla, you have a burrito
Deep fry burrito, you have a chimichanga
Place in store bought formed taco shell, you have a crappy taco
Place in corn tortilla, fry in oil, you have a good taco
Roll up in corn tortilla, fry in oil, you have a flauta
Go far enough North and your flauta becomes a taquito
I could be here all day
Roll in corn tortilla, put cheese and red sauce on top and you have red enchiladas
Roll in corn tortilla, put cheese and green sauce on top and you have green enchiladas
Fry corn tortilla flat, place mexi-meat then lettuce, you have a chalupa
Fry corn tortilla flat, place lettuce then mexi-meat, you have a tostada
Try telling a 4 year old why beans have to be re-fried
Try telling a 10 year old why all Mexican food comes with Spanish rice
I did the math: you have 267,583 possible meal combinations
Pitcher of Margaritas HIGHLY recommended during preparation
Yes, Margartia Cliffipe to follow…later….my fingers hurt

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Poor Man’s Fettucine Alfredo ‘Cliffipe’

NukeDad — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 18:30:27 +0000

Boil Water
Throw in fettucine noodles (“place noodles” if you don’t like splashes)
In separate pan heat milk, Philly cream cheese & parmesan
Toy with it a little, it’s not like I have this stuff written down somewhere
Drain noodles-resting spoon on the edge of pan to hold back noodles method not recommended
Write “strainer” on shopping list
Pour alfredo sauce over fettucine
I’m assuming you put fettucine back in pan
Mix well
Start another pot of water to boil
Serve Fettucine Alfredo to family
Yell “Bellissimo!” as you place it on the table
After 3 bites ask kids why they aren’t eating
By now the other pot of water should be boiling
Take 4th (and last, for a while) bite of your Fettucine Alfredo
Get up and go cook ramen/spaghetti/ravioli for kids
Give kids their food
Sit back down and enjoy your cold, clumpy Fettucine Alfredo

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Braised Lamb Chops with Balsamic Reduction ‘Cliffipe’

NukeDad — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 14:02:57 +0000

Who are you kidding?
Go get the phone book
Domino’s delivers
Choose closest location
Call and place order
Wait 30 minutes
Pay Driver
Serve with chilled soda or juice box

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BBQ Chicken ‘Cliffipe’

NukeDad — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 17:30:58 +0000

Have wife pick up chicken from store on the way home from work
Cuss at built-in BBQ grill ignitor that hasn’t worked since the day you bought it
Go in house and get BBQ ignitor (Or throw matches through grill)
Unpack chicken and say “Ewwwww” when you see chicken tray maxi-pad
Put chicken on grill
Put out raging fires caused by accumulated grease from the last 3 years
IMPORTANT! Put BBQ sauce on last unless you want to battle a sugar fire in addition to the grease fires you just brought under control
Take cooked chicken into house and place on table
Ask wife why the table isn’t set yet
Dodge plate thrown by wife
Tell wife you were just kidding
When asked by son say: “Yes, it IS supposed to look like that”
Go outside to BBQ Grill and lift lid. If fires are out, leave lid open. If fires are still burning, close lid and check back in 1 hour
Go to medicine cabinet and apply aloe-vera to forearms
Tell daughter you don’t know where your eyebrows went
Sleep contented, knowing the family didn’t go hungry

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