Nuclear Family Warhead

This one calls for a disclaimer.  While I usually have fun with the ‘Cliffipes’, this one will be a little more serious.  Namely because salsa just isn’t that funny.  I have over 20+ years of restaurant experience under my belt.  OK, so like 5 of those years are now hanging OVER my belt, but you get the idea.  The point is that I’ve made, and tasted many salsas in my day, and this one will surprise you.  Over 75% of the restaurants that you eat in that serve salsa start with Pace picante sauce as their base.  Yes, the same stuff you can buy in the store.  If you like your salsa chunky, then open the jar and have fun; we call that really bad ‘pico de gallo’ where I come from.  But if you like actual ’salsa’ as it was meant to be made and eaten, then read on.

• Find your blender
• Clean out the remnants of Margarita’s from your Super Bowl Party
• Didn’t know lime juice and salt would be so hard to clean off, did you?
• Items you will need:
• 1 jar of salsa-I suggest the store brand, cheaper and usually identical
• Guess who probably makes salsa for Wal-mart?  Try and keep Pace with me
• 1 bunch cilantro
• 3 medium tomato’s-ripe/over ripe-buy the mushy ones! They’re not going on your sandwich!
• Water
• Salt and Pepper
• 1 lime
• Put 3-6 sprigs of cilantro in blender. Don’t over do it, it’s strong. Use more or less to taste
• Add 1 1/2 tomato’s, cut in quarters
• Add 1/2 jar of Wal-mart (I said it again!)  Medium salsa
• You can use hot if you like. They also have mild, but then, what would be the point?
• Add salt and pepper to taste-if you over/under do it, you can adjust making 2nd half of batch
• Squeeze in 1/2 lime. FREE TIP: roll lime against the counter (hard) before cutting-more juice!
• Add water: approx. 1/2 to 2/3 cup to start. You can adjust just like with the salt and pepper
• Fire up the Cuisinart-don’t go too long, keep checking consistency, you can’t ‘unblend’
• Pour contents into large bowl and taste. Too salty? Too much cilantro? Now you know what to add more of, or less of with the 2nd half of the batch, just repeat the process.
• Throw away the rest of the cilantro, or go here, I don’t get any more use out of it
• Use liberally on bad food to make it taste better.
• Goes great on the myriad uses of Mexi-Meat
• Don’t forget to yell “Ole’!” when you’re done
• For God’s sake, clean the blender this time

• If chicken isn’t thawed, now would be a good time to start
• Use cold running water to thaw, hot water only gives you funky chicken
• Plan ahead next time
• Never mind, if you had planned ahead, you wouldn’t be reading this
• Look in pantry.  See anything good? Use it
• Chicken is like blue jeans-it goes with almost anything
• Mushrooms, olives, vegetables, mac & cheese-everybody’s a candidate
• Pick a noodle.  Any noodle.
• Spaghetti, fettuccine, linguine, penne-you get the idea
• If using rice instead of noodles, you’re gonna need more sauce
• Use soy, teriyaki, white wine, sherry, and water, if your in a pinch
• Saute chicken with liquid.  When it’s kinda brown, throw in the solids
• When solids get kinda mushy, it’s done
• You did start the rice/noodles, didn’t you?
• Set foundation with rice or noodles
• Spoon chicken (insert ingredients here) on top
• The fussier the kid, the more juice you’ll need
• If all of your kids are fussy, add bread as a side dish
• Name your creation. IMPORTANT! Do this last-you never know what’s going to end up in there

It occurred to me after my last “Cliffipe” entry that some people may be wondering which Steak and Meat Seasoning NukeDad uses in his mexi-meat.   It also occurred to me that some people may be wondering “What the heck is Steak and Meat Seasoning?”, so I decided that I would share that information with you.  It’s not like it’s a closely guarded secret, heck, I don’t even give measurements.  But then, that’s kinda the point, isn’t it? 

So here it is: a link to the greatest steak, chicken, ground beef, pork, turkey, soup, cookies seasoning ever.  It comes from The Mexican Food Capital of the World, El Paso, Texas; my old stomping grounds.  In addition to the best Mexican food on the planet, El Paso also has a plethora of fantastic Steak and BBQ restaurants.  But that is fodder for another post.  Go to the Great American Land and Cattle Company website to place your order.

To answer the question some may be asking, NO, I have absolutely no affiliation with this restaurant and will receive no monetary gain for plugging it.  In fact, when I lived in EP, I actually worked for one of their competitors.  It’s just great stuff, and people need to know about it.  Happy Grilling!

• Brown alot of Ground Beef
• Season with: Steak and Meat Seasoning, Chile Powder and Cumin
• Add potato (cubed) and diced green chiles
• Lay mexi-meat in small flour tortilla. Fold it in half and you have a soft taco
• Roll it up in big flour tortilla, you have a burrito
• Deep fry burrito, you have a chimichanga
• Place in store bought formed taco shell, you have a crappy taco
• Place in corn tortilla, fry in oil, you have a good taco
• Roll up in corn tortilla, fry in oil, you have a flauta
• Go far enough North and your flauta becomes a taquito
• I could be here all day
• Roll in corn tortilla, put cheese and red sauce on top and you have red enchiladas
• Roll in corn tortilla, put cheese and green sauce on top and you have green enchiladas
• Fry corn tortilla flat, place mexi-meat then lettuce, you have a chalupa
• Fry corn tortilla flat, place lettuce then mexi-meat, you have a tostada
• Try telling a 4 year old why beans have to be re-fried
• Try telling a 10 year old why all Mexican food comes with Spanish rice
• I did the math: you have 267,583 possible meal combinations
• Pitcher of Margaritas HIGHLY recommended during preparation
• Yes, Margartia Cliffipe to follow…later….my fingers hurt

• Boil Water
• Throw in fettucine noodles (”place noodles” if you don’t like splashes)
• In separate pan heat milk, Philly cream cheese & parmesan
• Toy with it a little, it’s not like I have this stuff written down somewhere
• Drain noodles-resting spoon on the edge of pan to hold back noodles method not recommended
• Write “strainer” on shopping list
• Pour alfredo sauce over fettucine
• I’m assuming you put fettucine back in pan
• Mix well
• Start another pot of water to boil
• Serve Fettucine Alfredo to family
• Yell “Bellissimo!” as you place it on the table
• After 3 bites ask kids why they aren’t eating
• By now the other pot of water should be boiling
• Take 4th (and last, for a while) bite of your Fettucine Alfredo
• Get up and go cook ramen/spaghetti/ravioli for kids
• Give kids their food
• Sit back down and enjoy your cold, clumpy Fettucine Alfredo

• Who are you kidding?
• Go get the phone book
• Domino’s delivers
• Choose closest location
• Call and place order
• Wait 30 minutes
• Pay Driver
• Serve with chilled soda or juice box

• Have wife pick up chicken from store on the way home from work
• Cuss at built-in BBQ grill ignitor that hasn’t worked since the day you bought it
• Go in house and get BBQ ignitor (Or throw matches through grill)
• Unpack chicken and say “Ewwwww” when you see chicken tray maxi-pad
• Put chicken on grill
• Put out raging fires caused by accumulated grease from the last 3 years
• IMPORTANT!  Put BBQ sauce on last unless you want to battle a sugar fire in addition to the grease fires you just brought under control
• Take cooked chicken into house and place on table
• Ask wife why the table isn’t set yet
• Dodge plate thrown by wife
• Tell wife you were just kidding
• When asked by son say: “Yes, it IS supposed to look like that”
• Go outside to BBQ Grill and lift lid.  If fires are out, leave lid open.  If fires are still burning, close lid and check back in 1 hour
• Go to medicine cabinet and apply aloe-vera to forearms
• Tell daughter you don’t know where your eyebrows went
• Sleep contented, knowing the family didn’t go hungry