EVEN THE COMBO MEALS ARE RUNNING SCARED

A little girl in Texas accepted a Jolly Rancher from a classmate and is now spending a week in detention.  The “friend” is in detention too, but I think they should skip the trial and get straight to the execution.  The teacher had her taser drawn, but after shouting; “DROP THE CANDY AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!!” The terrified 8 year old did what she was told.  I don’t know if there is any truth to the rumor that the principal has authorized the use of deadly force for a Snickers bar, but I wouldn’t doubt it.

Is this seriously what our schools have been reduced to?  The school is claiming they did what they did because they were afraid of losing their funding due to the new “junk food” laws that the state had implemented.  The State of Texas said it was an incorrect interpretation of the law and that the school was in no danger of losing their funding.  That’s the nice PR department way of saying; “What the hell are you guys thinking?” and running as fast as they can the other way.  The school is refusing to talk to reporters.

It’s not like the kids were taking Butterfinger hits off of a chocolate bong and freebasing SweeTarts in the classroom, it was ONE JOLLY RANCHER IN THE CAFETERIA!!  The junk food laws being passed by States across the U.S. are designed to keep fast food vendors out of the schools, which is also bullshit and now Michelle Obama is getting ready to stick her nose in it, and I’ll rant about that in a minute, but; really?  You think teachers and administrators don’t have enough to worry about that now we’re going to make them our child’s nutritionists also?  Want to combat childhood obesity?  Here’s an idea: how about we go back to having PE everyday instead of every 3rd day?

Kids need nutritious food, I understand that; but do they honestly think that they have the right to tell me what I can pack in my kids lunchbox?  Or what food I can bring into school if I come to have lunch with my kids?  Just try and get my Chik-fil-A or McDonald’s bag away from me; I’ll take hostages.  A kid brought in a couple of Jolly Ranchers to share with her friend at lunch, so what?  Take the candy away, give a verbal warning and move on.  Instead their solution was to traumatize a little girl who had never been in trouble in her life and made her take home a form stating her crime.  Are those the memories and life lessons you want your kids bringing home from school?

DON'T WORRY, HE'S DRINKING DIET COKE

Before I go on, is there anyone out there that doesn’t understand that eating a Big Mac will not give you six pack abs?  Anyone unclear on the concept of a Wendy’s Triple Baconator being a bad idea if you’re trying to lose 10 pounds before the wedding?  Good.  Anyone not understand that we live in a free country and we can put pretty much whatever we want (and some people do) in our mouths?  I didn’t think so.  I’m overweight-it’s not like it’s some big mystery to me how it happened; I didn’t wake up one day and say; “Oh my gosh! I’ve put on 25 pounds!  I’ve got to lay off of those vegetables and quit going to the gym!”

For now, we are still a nation of choices: you can choose to take care of yourself, or you can choose not to.  You can choose to feed your children skinless chicken breast and steamed broccoli every night for dinner, or you can drive thru McDonald’s four times a week, either way, it’s your CHOICE.  Well, that’s getting ready to change.  Michelle Obama is heading up a task force to “end childhood obesity in one generation.”  Great, let’s do it; send her out to give speeches and promote healthy eating habits to school children and parents that don’t know any better; I’m all for it.  The problem is that isn’t what the true plan is.  Follow this link to see what I’m talking about.  Halfway through the article the FTC commissioner says they’ll see “whether we can make them do more” after giving a non-denial/denial that they are offering anything but a gentle push to marketers to quit marketing unhealthy food to kids by enticing them with toys (can you say “McDonald’s”?).  You know, like they did when we were young.  I can’t remember seeing ONE single cereal commercial telling me to dig down to the bottom of the box to get the prize.  Maybe they can get the Cracker Jack folks to pay reparations for the toys they’ve been sticking in their product since 1912.

There is also talk of implementing a tax on sugar.  They are letting the state and local governments test the waters right now, and though they deny it, a federal sugar tax is on the way.  NYC has toyed with the idea of a tax on trans fats; the “fat tax” is expected to raise over $400 million a year in revenue.  Even the Governor is defending it.  It’s almost like they are looking for new things to tax to make up for the shortfall from all of the other things they are already taxing.  How come every time there isn’t enough money to go around the government’s first reaction is to raise taxes or tax something else?  Why not cut spending first?  Why?  Because it means less money and power for them, that’s why.  Why is it that those that scream loudest to; “keep your hands out of my uterus!” and “you can’t tell me what to do with my body! I’ll have an abortion if I want to!” are the same ones wanting to tell you what you can eat?  Kill an unborn child, sure; but how dare you eat a double cheeseburger!

AVAILABLE WITH LOW FAT MAYO

The Do-gooders say all they are trying to do is help people.  They state that 1 in 3 children living in poverty are obese and they need the help.  My question is; if they are living on food stamps, then it’s obviously the government food making them fat, and if it isn’t the government food, then how are they able to pay for McDonald’s and KFC with food stamps?  Doing something about childhood obesity is admirable, but like most behaviors, it can’t be, and shouldn’t be legislated.  Do you really want the government telling you what you can and can’t eat?  Do you really think it would stop at food?  Do you want someone deciding what clothes you should wear?  Where you should live?  What movies you can watch?  Which books you can read?  What kind of light-bulb to use?  Oops, too late for that one.  They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions; I say it looks like they’re trying to make it a 6 lane expressway.  It’ll be a toll road, of course.

Some will argue that all of these behaviors raise the cost of health care and that these measures will curb those costs; a necessity now that health care has passed.  I would argue the opposite; there is no incentive to look after your health anymore.  Why bother?  The government will take care of us all now and it’ll be “free”, why should I worry about it?  Before you tell me to put my tin foil hat back on, I would encourage you to take a look around at what’s happening in the world.  You might want to start looking out for your own best interest, before somebody else does.

*A special shout-out to Cathy at Tadpoles and Teacups for the title inspiration.

Now, normally, I’d laugh myself silly, and in all honesty, it IS pretty funny, but how about a quick flash of Toby’s artistic interpretation?  Did we really need to be subjected to 4 1/2 seconds of his technique?  Did you really have to go back to him after the cut away?  Did you think that I’d missed the point?  Do you realize how long 4 1/2 seconds is in a 30 second spot?  It’s almost 1/6th of the whole!  Proportionately, watching 5 minutes of a news anchor getting caught picking their nose in a 30 minute newscast would be almost as bad.  I also like how you flash to the poor little boy’s face when he realizes that he’s just gotten his best pal and pet friend Toby banished to the yard for life.  The anguish on his face is priceless.  Maybe you can do a follow up commercial showing Toby frolicking in the yard and happily dragging his ass along the patio while the camera cuts to the little boy sitting cross-legged in the corner of his room.  As he rocks back and forth clutching his knees he can be heard quietly whispering; “No, Toby, bad boy Toby, make him stop Toby, 15 minutes to Wapner.”

Dumbing down commercials is nothing new, but good God Mr. Steemer!  I know what a dirty carpet is; I’m well aware of the fact that over time carpet becomes dirty and needs to be cleaned.  I’m even smart enough to know that I can purchase this thing called a vacuum cleaner to help me eradicate the dirt on a schedule; like, every few days, or twice a week maybe.  Was this the best you could come up with?  Did Baby Sophie projectile vomiting her peas on the carpet not test well with the focus groups?  Did Aunt Edna’s drunken trip and fall and subsequent spilling of 32 ounces of Chianti on the shag offend too many alcoholics?  I’d work on your copywriting department if I were you; I don’t need my dog to wipe his ass on my carpet to realize it’s time for a cleaning.  Besides, I feed him better food than that.  I guess with a last name like “Steemer” you had no choice butt to go for the poop angle.

I’m frustrated.  I know there are a lot of other frustrated people out there as well.  The frustration comes from seeing all of the senseless, childish, immature bickering that our so called “leaders” engage in on a daily basis.   We aren’t the first Americans to be frustrated, though.  I mean, is there anyone out there that truly believes that political partisanship and demagoguery is a new thing?  The founding fathers wrote the book on it.  They differ from today’s politicians in that they were at least civil in their debate and they were able to set aside their differences when the fate of the country hung in the balance.  233 years ago, the Constitution wasn’t exactly signed over punch and cookies; it was more like punch and then knee to the groin.  The point is; the founding fathers knew that they wanted a government of the people, by the people and for the people and they were willing to fight like cornered wolverines to make it as idiot-proof as possible.  When the days’ debate and fisticuffs was over, they’d retire to the pub and down a few beers like the friends that they were, but during the battle, it was everyman for himself.  Too bad they didn’t have a crystal ball to see what they’d be up against in the beginning of the 21st century.  The most dangerous place in Washington DC today is between Chuck Schumer and a TV camera.

I think at this point, shouting out your party’s beliefs is an exercise in futility.  Neither party cares about the American people anymore, they only care about elections and congressional majorities.  It has everything to do with power, and absolutely nothing to do with you.  They don’t want to hear your babble, you silly citizen, you.  Just try and call them or email them with your concerns, they’ll just shut off the computer and take the phone off the hook and then tell you they need 20 billion dollars to upgrade their communication system.  These are the people that are trying to take over private industry in the United States?  111 members of the 109th Congress (2005-2007) had a hand in bankrupting at least 2 businesses.  79 of them had credit reports that were so bad that they couldn’t get an American Express card.  They got one anyway, after being elected.  I guess membership really does have it’s privileges.  64 of them would have been denied security clearance if they were in the private sector; but, you guessed it, being elected to Congress washed all of that away.  31 spousal abusers, 33 DUI arrests (34 if you count Bush), 17 drug arrests, 6 shoplifters, are you getting the picture?  They’ve got to go.  All of them.

The silver lining is that the 800 pound Gorilla in the room; the American people, are tired of having their bananas taken away.  Say what you want about Tea Parties, talk radio and cable news; but the American people haven’t been this involved in the political process in a very long time.  It’s not just professional sign carriers that get media time anymore.  You can expect to still see the agenda pushing that goes on at every network and cable outlet as well as the Internet, but the thing that has the politicians and the media running scared is the idea that the public is actually paying attention and taking action.  People are just sick of it.  I am, aren’t you?  I don’t care if you’re Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, Socialist, Communist, Orwellian, Liberal or Conservative; there comes a time to say enough is enough, and that time is now.  Everyone just needs to exercise their right to vote.  You can do it, and you DO do it, everyday.

What do I mean by that?  I mean that voting is a choice that you make, right?  You choose a candidate to support and then you vote for them.  The problem is that most Americans think that this is an exercise that they only  participate in every 2 or 4 years, when the fact is; they do it dozens of times everyday.  You vote when you pick up the remote.  Did you vote for Harry Smith or Matt Lauer this morning?  You vote in your closet; is it Versace or Halston? (Man, I’d love to see YOUR closet)  Which grocery store did you vote for when it was time to feed your family?  What church do you go to?  Did you vote “no” on church?  Which state got your vote when it came time to choose a place to live?  Which NFL team won your election?  What ice cream flavor?  School?  Gas station?  Magazine?  Candy bar?  I hope you get the point, my right pinkie has a blister from all of those question marks.  Make no mistake, companies spend millions of dollars a year trying to win you over, that’s why it’s called an ad campaign.  In the old days this used to be called the free market; I don’t know what they’re trying to call it now, but it still works and it can be effective if we all use it.

Nothing gets a politicians attention faster than a donor who quits giving.  If you think that Harry Reid is a horses ass and you know that JP Morgan bank was his 4th biggest contributor, then you can choose not to bank with them.  There you go, another ballot cast and you didn’t have to wait for a November in an even numbered year.  If enough people do it, then you can be sure that JP Morgan will take notice.  If you live in Texas and think that Governor Rick Perry is so stupid that it takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes, and you know that one of his biggest contributors was Houston home builder Bob Perry, then don’t buy one of his houses.  If you live in Houston, of course; and are in the market for a house.  You get the idea.  The point of all of my rambling is that you have a voice, you have the power to change things.  A bucket will still fill to overflowing, even if the faucet is only adding the water one drop at a time.  I think America’s bucket is just about full, don’t you?

The top of the paper stated:

The purpose of this exercise is to determine how many trees would need to be planted to offset the carbon produced by one of your families’ cars in one year.

That’s sort of dancing around the issue, don’t you think?  Why didn’t they just come out and say it:

Every time your Dad drives you to your guitar lesson, another polar bear dies.

Or maybe they could have tried to raise his guilt level by stating:

Way to go, you selfish, selfish child; asking Grandma to fly up for your birthday has caused an ice sheet the size of Manhattan to break away from the polar ice caps.  We are all going to die!

Unbelievable; not only is the indoctrination of our children rampant in the schools, now they are inserting it into math problems!  Do the assignment with an adult?  As in; your parents are obviously too stupid and uncaring to understand this, so by doing the assignment with them you’ll help us raise their guilt and shame level to the point that from this day forward you will only be fed organic vegetables, tofu and NPR.

Look, I’m all for a clean environment and being a good, responsible steward for Mother Earth; but I also realize that scaring the crap out of people is great for slasher movies, but not so good for normal human existence.  We teach our kids not to throw trash out the window of a moving car and to turn the lights out when you leave the room.  Admittedly, the turning out the lights is more a financial motivation for me than a save the planet one.  Save the planet?  Hell, save my electric bill; it was over a hundred dollars last month!  The point is; I’m sick and tired of being told that we evil Americans are killing the planet when India is pumping out more CFC’s and carbon emissions in 6 months than we have since the Industrial Revolution.  And China?  Oh, don’t get me started on China.  You want to see responsible environmentalism in action?  Look at what the USA has done over the past 5 decades in technology advancements that make the world a better place for everyone.  Quit telling all of us that we are the problem when in actuality, we are the closest thing to an answer that you eco-warriors have got!  The combined populations of the 2 biggest emerging economies on earth; India and China, is 2.4 Billion people.  They account for nearly 40% of the worlds population.  The United States?  About 300 Million, or 4 1/2% of the worlds population.  You could have 8 United States of Americas and just barely be even with India and China population wise, yet our little 4.5% of the worlds population manage to produce between 20 and 30% of the worlds goods.  And we do it in a clean, efficient way.  China pollutes more making a few thousand lead-filled baby cribs than we do with our entire auto industry.  Well, what’s left of it.  You know why you don’t see environmentalist protesters in China?  Because Chinese tanks can’t read protest signs.  You want to see an accurate block quote of what environmentalist policy can do for the world?  Here’s one:

Every time you pass ethanol legislation, a family in Mexico goes hungry.

There is a reason that you love Mexican food; because that stuff is good!  Corn is a staple in Mexican food, and when the price of corn goes up 60% in a matter of month, it gets harder to feed your family.  Especially when you are trying to survive on 4 dollars a day.  The fallacy of using Ethanol to save the planet is the fact that corn effects so many other things.  Corn is used to feed the cattle, chickens, turkeys and hogs that are on your dinner plate every night.  It is used for cooking oil, corn meal, beverages; ever heard of high fructose corn syrup?  Where do you think it comes from?  Eat eggs?  Eggs come from chickens, do you see where this is going?  There is a reason that you saw beef, poultry, cheese and soda prices skyrocket last year during the summer.  The domino effect is finally making some of the policy makers take pause.  Thank God.  Let’s not forget how many acres of forest would have to be razed by carbon spewing tractors to add enough corn fields to meet the demands of the Ethanol peddlers in Washington.  Talk about your carbon footprint.

This debatable issue could be avoided if the government would just do one thing; get out of the way.  Let Americans do what Americans have always done; figured out a better, faster, cheaper, cleaner, more profitable way to do things.  You can’t legislate innovation.  Quit telling my kids that they’re killing animals and ruining the planet every time they fall asleep with the television on.  Don’t send condescending homework home with my son expecting me to break down in tears and then teach him the words to kumbaya.  Oh, the answer to his homework problem?  346.  346 trees would need to be planted to offset one years worth of carbon emissions from our little ole Dodge Caravan.  I did some rudimentary calculations and figured that our neighborhood will have to purchase the State of Kansas and plant trees no more than 18 inches apart to offset it’s carbon footprint for the next 10 years.  After that?  I don’t know, but Nebraska better get ready to relocate too.

It’s not like it’s The Cleavage Exploiter.  Wait.  I forgot; they changed the name to The Ghost Whisperer; anyway, that show could give 2 pages of description and still leave you unsure of what you might see.  Ever seen the description for any movie on IFC?  Rest assured that you’ll be so frustrated by the teaser that you’ll give up and watch The Breakfast Club for the 12,000th time instead.  News programs?  Forget it.  THAT, I can understand, but still; with today’s technology you’d think that they could insert something pertaining to the news of the day.  For instance, the earthquake in Italy happened last night/early this morning; would it kill them to put a 2 word blurb on NBC’s summary of tonights broadcast?  Italian Earthquake.  There.  Done.  Now somebody who doesn’t pay attention to the news all day will be able to discern if they want to partake of it or not.  It’s not too much to ask, is it?

I had to get it finished due to a quick weekend trip and the threat of rain.  Overkill?  Maybe.  My next project is to build a canary cage out of cinder block.  See you Monday.

What happened to livin’ the high life, Chief?  Isn’t your baby girlfriend calling you relentlessly on your Blackberry anymore?  Are you being shoved out for a younger spokes-baby, like a newborn, or maybe an embryo?  Tell the truth, Poopy Pants, you’re over extended like the rest of us and you had to take a second job, didn’t you?  You expect people to trade with the company that you represent when you can’t even keep your own lifestyle in check?  How dare you!  I guess your agent won’t be able to invest his 10% in the market now either, will he?  Don’t you ever think of anybody but yourself?  What, it’s not enough that you get spoon fed by Mommy, have your bottles warmed to a soothing 98.6 degrees and are allowed to crap in you pants?  You should be ashamed of yourself.  You had it all, and now you’re destined to become a footnote on some VH1 show.  We all know how this is going to turn out, so do yourself a favor and call Todd Bridges and Danny Bonaduce as soon as possible.  Oh, before you go; what do you think about Dell in 2009?  Should I sell it, or hold?

You back?  Good.  Now, never mind the fact that I’m being a total hypocrite for doing exactly what I’m calling “Anonymous” out for: ranting rather than addressing the body of the post, but this guy (gal, whatever) deserved it!  At least I think so, anyway.  I haven’t posted in almost a week, and if you’re a regular reader of this blog you know that that means one of two things: One (or all) of the NukeKids is ill, or I’ve been moping.  Maybe moping is too sissy-ish a word; let’s say; brooding.  Or dawdle.  Take your pick.  I’ve had “Stimulus” shoved at me so much this week that they may as well just call it Congressional Viagra.  I’m a bit put out, to be honest.  I’m not exactly known for being afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve.  I did it here, and here, and most definitely here.  If you agree with it, great, if you don’t, no big whoop.  Just one guy’s opinion, that’s all, and if you disagree with it and you choose to let me know about it, at least have the testicular fortitude to leave your name.

That’s my biggest beef with this whole thing.  I don’t even disagree that much with some of what they were trying to say, it’s how they said it.  I certainly don’t want to pay more in taxes, but I certainly wouldn’t be so ignorant as to say that the only thing taxes pay for are “murder abroad”, Good God man!  What color is the sky in your deluded world?  Checked out the United Nations’ donor rolls lately?  No, not being able to pay your share because you need all of your money to pay off Manhattan parking tickets is not a defense.  Asked the EU if they’re glad they aren’t speaking German and Japanese as their native tongues?  Maybe you’d like to ask some East Berliner’s if they’d like us to put the wall back up?  Perhaps you’d like to ask Japan, a country barely the size of the state of Montana, if they had a problem with us helping them reconstruct their county into a democracy that is now the 3rd largest economy in the world?  Don’t forget; this was after they declared war on us!  I’d engage you on the whole Hiroshima debate, but I fear you’d take 6 months to develop and disseminate your Manifesto, and you’d lose the argument anyway because President Truman didn’t do it to show how many Japanese citizens he could kill, but to prove how many Allied lives he could save.

You do realize that your ire was brought about by a Dear Abby article, don’t you?  Let me type that again; slowly, in case you’re still playing catch up: Dear Abby!  She’s as American as pre-steroid baseball, the proverbial apple pie and Chevrolet before the bailout.  Every Mom and Dad in America had a few Dear Abby articles clipped and hanging on the kitchen bulletin board or refrigerator.  Ours hung next to a few Snuffy Smith cartoons.  My Dad was a sucker for a good Snuffy Smith strip.  If you’re old enough to remember those, then you’re old enough to know that once upon a time America was all about self reliance, leading the way in the world and raising kids to be respectful and independent.  That’s a key word there; independent.  There’s a pretty important document that has that in the title.  You might want to do some research.  It’s about standing up for yourself, your family and your country.  I recall a young idealistic President once stating that you should ask what you could do for it, rather than what you could take from it.  If he could only see us today.

It used to be that you could, should and would stand up for yourself in the face of adversity, be it with your friends, your siblings, or, when you became old enough, your parents.  It was done with respect, and it was done in person; not phoned in (or anonymously posted).  If you don’t have the courage of your convictions, then you have no right to complain about anything.  Ever.  The easiest job in the world is critic.  It requires no courage, integrity or character.  You stand up for what you believe in to honor the gift of freedom that you’ve been given.  Then you prepare to be knocked down occasionally while defending that gift, but you always, always, get back up.  Then you tell others about it.  You show them how it works.  You brag about it, because you are lucky enough to live in the 46% of the world that is free.  3.6 BILLION people don’t have that privilege, and the number is growing.

Lastly, “Anonymous” claimed that there was no freedom of speech, just a lack of law enforcement to wrangle the dissenters.  Can’t even go there, we’d be here for days.  Besides, the party that screamed the loudest about wanting their voice heard is now doing everything it can to stifle the voice of the opposition.  Just more of the new “transparency”, I guess.  Good thing Pelosi gave us the 48 hours she promised to look over the bill before jetting off to Europe.  Oh, yeah, didn’t happen.  Oh well, The sheeple won’t care anyway.  I’d  better go listen to some Ambrosia and have a glass of Merlot before I have an aneurysm.

Let’s say (just for arguments sake, work with me) that someone comes in with a gift that was (gasp!) purchased by someone else?  I know, I know; the horror.  Would your policy allow that person to return said item to your store for a refund or store credit?  OF COURSE NOT!  Why in the hell would you do something like that?  It’s not like you can put the un-opened, never tampered with product right back on the shelf and sell it again, NO!  That would be too much of a hassle!  Besides, your policy is in place to help protect your company from the “Rampant Fraud” that has been perpetrated against your unsuspecting company for years by wild bands of parents and children who have been assaulting your stores one toy at a time!  I know this to be true because it was so gingerly related to me by one of your “associates”.  It was almost done with a smile.  I can’t blame the associate, it’s not like it’s her policy; in fact, as she told me numerous times: “It’s a corporate policy”.  Know what else could be termed a “corporate policy”?  Bankruptcy.  I’d look into it.  A google search tells me that 11.4 MILLION people agree with me.

Look, Geoffrey, I understand that sometimes people do the wrong thing; like buy a DVD player so they can use it on their road trip only to return it when they get back.  I know you need to have policies in place to protect you from that sort of thing, but are you incapable of looking at customers on an individual basis?  Do you honestly think that I would bring my 3 children with me to your store to return 1 measly $50 stolen game?  If it’s fraud you’re worried about, then work with the Justice Department and other retailers; ‘cuz I can tell you that trying to stop it at the return desk ain’t cuttin’ it. 

You know what galls me the most?  You aren’t even a decade removed from paying out over $50 MILLION dollars in an anti-trust suit because of your involvement in a conspiracy with toy makers to keep certain items out of Sam’s and Costco because they were kicking your ass!  Want to sell more toys, Geoffrey?  COMPETE!  Worry about the customer instead of trying to cheat yourself into higher market share.  The ‘nads on you!  You wanted to dictate how the toy manufacturers would market and sell their products?  First right of refusal, and all of that other BS?  Are you serious?  You actually got back on the right track for awhile, but, I guess it was to good to be true.  It was smart of you to wait until after last Christmas to change your return policy, but I guess you forgot about the one coming up: this one.  Sounds like the choir, of which I am now a proud member, is growing.  And getting louder.  Can you hear it yet?  If not, you will.  Oh, one more thing: We won’t be shopping at your store again until, um, let’s see…how does NEVER sound?  We’ll make sure that we let as many people as possible know about your “corporate decision” as well.  Don’t blame ME, though, I’m just an “associate”.  See, the kids run this family “Corporation” when it comes to toys; and the “corporate decision” has been made.  I hear Disney Wild Adventure is hiring; you may want to update your resume.

Raising kids is hard enough; watching several hundred of them going bonkers, unsupervised, in our Nations’ capital with no Ritalin in sight is torture.  I find it funny that it took the House almost a week to come up with 3 pages, but the Senate was somehow able to find an additional 448 pages of pork in less than 24 hours.  Yea, no one saw this coming, did they?  You can vote for more than President on November 4th, you know.  We have 435 chances to send every member of the House back to their house so they can think about what they did (well, the ones who voted for it, anyway).  The Senate will take a little longer, but we could send all 100 of them home soon too.  They couldn’t even run their own cafeteria!  They had to outsource it because they were losing 2 million dollars a year and now they want us to trust them with a Billion dollars?  What they don’t realize is they just opened up the cookie jar, and every kid in the neighborhood heard it.  California says they need 7 billion or their state will go bankrupt.  New York’s Governor called a few hours later with the same claim.  Who’s next?  Where does it stop?  When does it stop?  Which kid isn’t going to get his cookie?  Put your aprons back on, people.  Washington just realized the bake sale isn’t over.  They’re going to need another couple hundred billion cookies.  I, for one, am out of (cookie) dough.

OH, by the way, they just flashed that OJ IS GUILTY! 13 years TO THE DAY that he was acquitted of murdering his ex-wife Nicole and Ron Goldman, justice is finally served.  Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it, OJ?