Armed And Packing Heath (Bars)
A little girl in Texas accepted a Jolly Rancher from a classmate and is now spending a week in detention. The "friend" is in detention too, but I think they should skip the trial and get straight to the execution. The teacher had her taser drawn, but after shouting; "DROP THE CANDY AND PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!!" →
Skidmarks
I've posted my share of TMI (Too Much Information) stories here, but having somewhat of a captive audience, I didn't perceive it as being too big of a deal. After all, you can choose not to read it, right? I also did my best to make the stories humorous and self-deprecating, so I think I accomplished my goal of sharing →
You Cast Them Daily
I'm frustrated. I know there are a lot of other frustrated people out there as well. The frustration comes from seeing all of the senseless, childish, immature bickering that our so called "leaders" engage in on a daily basis. We aren't the first Americans to be frustrated, though. I mean, is there anyone out there that truly believes that political →
Earth Daze
Yesterday, I asked NukeBoy1 if he was done with his homework because we had to leave soon to get him to his guitar lesson. "All except the assignment that I have to do with an adult", he said. As the only "adult" in the house at the time, I sat down with him to do the assignment. I had forgotten →
Obvious
I love it when TiVo gets too lazy to do it's job. The summary for tonight's episode of 24? Jack and the FBI create a plan to prevent more terror attacks; events take a surprising turn. Really? Could you be a little more vague? A surprising turn? Like what? Jack quits in mid-pistol whip and returns to school to get →
Where Have I Been?
This has been the bane of my existence for the last week: I had to get it finished due to a quick weekend trip and the threat of rain. Overkill? Maybe. My next project is to build a canary cage out of cinder block. See you Monday.
Scammed By The E*TRADE Baby
Talk about your down economy. I was watching TV with NukeGirl this morning before school when a commercial came on for the Clipo Hippo. Who do you think is the star of this shameless attempt to extort money from hard working parents nationwide? That's right, the E*TRADE Baby. I know it was him. The commercial isn't on You Tube or →
Going Off
I broke one my rules today. I used someone else's blog to fire back at a commenter rather than comment on the post itself. I couldn't help it, though. Go read Momo Fali's post and the comments and then come back. You back? Good. Now, never mind the fact that I'm being a total hypocrite for doing exactly what I'm calling →
Dear: Geoffrey The Giraffe
Hey there, you greedy little bastard; How are you? I'm a bit put out myself. It has to do with your "return" policy. That's kind of funny; calling it a "return" policy when there's actually no chance of "returning" anything to you without knowing how to jump thru hoops dressed like a clown with my ass on fire. If I →
Maybe We’ll All Get A Free Toaster
I guess this is what they call writer's block. Haven't had a whole lot to smile about or find funny this last week or so. Nukegirl turned 5 on Thursday and that was a good day, but I still have issues with being told that the world is going to end if we don't surrender a BILLION dollars to the →
Ain’t Nobody In Here But Us Chickens!
I knew I should have bought The Biltmore when I had the chance! Man! I BLEW it! I could have gone in with a library card, no job, no collateral and no hope of ever paying it back, and Fannie, Freddie or Countrywide would have given me a 6,000 year mortgage (Interest Only) with no money down. How cool would that have been? →
Rock Me Like A Hurricane
Love Drive, Loving You Sunday Morning, The Zoo, Blackout, No One Like You, Big City Nights, Rock You Like A Hurricane, Still Loving You. Recognize those? Some of them? They're all songs by the German rock band Scorpions. This was the band who's lead singer learned English by SINGING it. No lie. That's why you can still hear; on Rock →
Mr. Forrest Robinson Gump’s Neighborhood
I love a good story. I remember hearing exotic tales as a kid and imagining myself in those situations. Situations like rescuing people trapped in a car that is perched perilously over the guardrail of a bridge. At the last second, I pull the victims from the car just as it plummets to the ground and explodes into a fiery →
Dear Mr. Internet Pharmacy Billionaire:
Hello. You don't actually know me by name, but let me introduce myself. I am the severely depressed, erectile dysfunctional, herpes inflicted, anxiety disorder victimized, panic attack having, AD/HD....Hey look! A squirrel!......sorry about that, AD/HD suffering, narcolepzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz oops; dozed off again, didn't I? Narcolepsy suffering, heartburn bemoaning insomniac who's blog comment box you have been filling on a daily basis →
The Narcoleptic Labrador
My neighbors dog is killing me. It barks incessantly. But ONLY at night. Usually between the hours of 2am and 5am. I think it suffers from daytime narcolepsy. Barring a poisoned pork chop; I'm running out of options. I have several that I can still employ, but the pork chop is looking better and better. Now, before you call the →
Would You Like Some Mustard On That Crow Sandwich?
Wow. What a great day this turned out to be! I woke up to find a ton (for me, at least) of comments on my Father's Day post; linky love from Mr. Lady at Whiskey In My Sippy Cup and Melisa at Suburban Scrawl, and then I got TrampledUpon StumbledUpon. It's been a busy day. To top it off, the YMCA flag football →
You Wanna Kiss Me Before You Give Me That Invoice?
The NukeVan is back in the shop. No Air Conditioning could definitely lead to a meltdown. We found out about this back in September, but decided not to spend the $1,200 to get it fixed right then. Call me frugal, but it didn't make sense. It's like trying to teach a pig to sing: it wastes your time and annoys →
Don’t Pull A Muscle
Have you ever wanted to commit murder? I mean, we all know it's a sin and all, but if you could be reasonably sure that you could get away with it; would you? No? OK, how about this scenario then: the local sheriff deputizes you and puts you in charge of ridding the town of all the oxygen thieves that happen →
My Sleep Number Is Minus 53
We had a Sleep Number bed up until a couple of weeks ago. While it was nirvana in the beginning, the end was bloody. After 5 years of dutiful service, the box spring, or, what a sleep number bed uses as a box spring, decided it had had enough. Enough of people sleeping on it, of kids jumping on it, →
As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Have All Day
Common courtesy is officially dead. It died, yesterday morning around 10:30am. It was MURDERED by the convenience store clerk and the guy in line in front of me. Common courtesy was born a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away and prospered through much of the early 20th century. Common courtesy fell out of the mainstream in the →
I Am Not Amazed
As one who came of age during the 80's, I am proud that I survived the era without owning parachute pants, or wearing a Member's Only jacket with the sleeves pushed up. I am even more proud of the fact that I avoided the use of the word "awesome" as my main adjective. I thought I was free and clear, until a few months →
We Have Two Sizes: Medium And Large
This happened a while back, so hopefully right-minded companies have corrected their menu script. We were at a concert, a rodeo, WWF On Ice or something along those lines; at a venue that uses Aramark, Sodexo or a company like that to manage their concessions. These are the good people that negotiate contracts with local and state governments to run the →
The Left Lane Is For Make-up Application Only
This is definitely a Peeve's topic. I know I'm not alone in my disdain and general loathing of those drivers who seem to think that the left lane is their own personal HOV lane. I know the title suggests this is just about the ladies, but there are some men out there who need some re-edjukatin' too. Say it with →
Handicap Tags
Why do people with handicap tags feel it necessary to have them hanging from the rear view mirror when they are driving? All it does is create a huge blind spot which may cause them to hit me, and possibly make me handicapped.
