What Fits Into Mother Russia?
NukeGirl lost her first tooth the other day. It was a long road to extraction, but when I noticed that it was laying back at a 45 degree angle in relation to the rest of her teeth, and that it was black, I told her maybe it was time to try another tug. She had been toying with it for days. At the dinner table: “Daddy! Look!” I’d glance up from my plate to see her tongue rotating the tooth back and forth, manipulating it like a NASCAR driver downshifting going into turn 3. “That’s nice, honey, but I’m trying to enjoy my dinner and that isn’t making it any easier.” Being that it was her first loose tooth, she was a little unclear on the concept. We went to dinner one night, and after a four and a half year precedent of ordering fries with her meal, she decides she wants corn on the cob. The next day she asked for an apple in her lunch. She hates apples. Maybe nature gives us that extra nudge to request things to eat that it knows will get that sucker out of there and take away the pain. I remember as a kid, I once lost a molar to an over exuberant Sugar Daddy. It got stuck back there and I pulled and I pulled and I pulled, and it wouldn’t come out. I twisted, I yanked, I twisted and yanked. It was…well, it was like pulling teeth, I guess. After about 5 minutes I finally got it out and immediately noticed that this particular Sugar Daddy tasted like crap. The taste, of course, was the 1/2 liter of blood that was now mixing with the chocolate and caramel of my candy. I looked at the Sugar Daddy and saw my molar sticking out of it. Cool, I thought; a dollar! I don’t think I’ve had a Sugar Daddy since.
The experience did teach me that caramel is good for getting out stubborn teeth. Later I used a box of Milk Duds to extract another molar, and a Brach’s caramel chew to eradicate an incisor. My dentist lost money on me that year. I also remember the weirdness of running your tongue in the gap where your tooth used to be. NukeGirl has discovered that as well. “Daddy! Look!” I look up to see a tiny piece of her tiny little tongue peeking through where her tooth used to be. Then she went and got a Capri Sun and realized that she could lock her jaw and still drink it; she just slides the straw in the hole where her tooth was. She thinks this is the coolest thing in the world. “DADDY! LOOK!” I look up to see her, jaw clenched tighter than a Rottweiler, with a straw stuck through the gap and can’t help but join her in uproarious laughter. She tried her pinkie finger, and while it can be wedged in there, she learned the painful lesson that she can’t clench her teeth. She also tried a pencil and almost lost the 2 neighbors. “Daddy! Ow!” Since then I’ve caught her with her toothbrush, a hair barrette, a bigger straw and a paper towel folded to various thicknesses. She just keeps folding until either she can’t fold anymore, or it won’t fit anymore. She’s doing all she can to find out exactly what will and will not fit where her tooth used to be. It made me think of an old skit from SCTV; the great Canadian show that gave us John Candy, Rick Moranis, Dave Thomas, Catherine O’Hara and many others, called; “What Fits In Mother Russia.” It was a recurring skit that featured Dave Thomas as a Russian who got great delight figuring out what countries could fit inside the footprint of the Soviet Union. The video is below. One of my first posts ever was a tooth post-you can click here if you want to read it. Enjoy.