Snidely DoGooder And The Behavior Police
SNUFF IT, SUBJECT!
North Carolina rang in the New Year with legislation enacted on January 4th that banned smoking in all bars and restaurants. Snidely DoGooder, economist and Job Destruction Czar for the state of North Carolina summed it up this way;
“For too long the evil tobacco companies provided our country with over 15 Billion dollars and our state with over 171 Million dollars a year in tax revenue. We felt that it was unfair for smokers to be the only ones carrying such a large tax burden, so the only logical conclusion was to tax the tobacco industry out of business. We are well aware of the fact that people can still smoke in their homes, but if we can get the help we need from Washington to tax the air, then we’ll be well on our way to abolishing that right as well. Cap and Trade legislation should help us in this endeavor as it taxes carbon dioxide, or, the air that people exhale; we’re hoping to tax the air that they inhale as well. This will be more fair as not everyone smokes, but everyone breathes.”
Why not allow bar and restaurant owners to wall off areas for their smoking customers? “We thought about that, but the fact is; if we allowed these owners to remodel their own private property to allow smoking, that could create thousands of jobs in the construction and the air filtration industries. We simply weren’t prepared for that” Mr. DoGooder said. “Besides” he continued, “what will they expect next? Freedom to choose what foods to serve? The ability to serve alcohol AND food at the same time? Who do those people think they are?”
Mr. DoGooder’s work has been well documented. Between 2001-2007 Mr. DoGooder and his team were able to destroy almost 80,000 jobs in textile mills and furniture plants alone. “It just got out of hand,” Mr. DoGooder stated; “There were workers coming home from a shift with achy hands from running the sewing machines, workers who were bringing home samples given to them by their employers, we even had over 1,000 cases of chair caners coming home with splinters! That’s just unacceptable. It got so bad that some of the workers were actually coming home with enough money to go out and purchase cigarettes; we couldn’t have that.” Mr. DoGooder went on to say; “It’s the old parable your Mom used to use at the dinner table; ‘Eat your food, there are starving children in China!’, this is our way of giving back; our Mom’s couldn’t feed those kids in China, so it’s up to us to send those jobs to China. It’s all about their kids.” When asked what about our kids here in North Carolina, Mr. DoGooder responded; “Oh, we have welfare for that; our kids will be fine.”
When asked how he felt about the agricultural renewal happening in North Carolina, with many former tobacco farmers now growing wine grapes, he chose his words carefully; “While our banking industry suffered due to a decline in farm machinery repossessions and farm foreclosures, we don’t feel that the NC vineyard industry is large enough yet to be an issue. Once they employ over 10,000 people, then we’ll look at eliminating those jobs.”
What about the issue of drugs in our schools? “Although we don’t have the capability yet to produce a How-To guide for injecting heroin like our friends in New York, we are working on it. They’ve promised to share some of their information with us, but we’re still lacking the information for the 3rd and 4th graders because their veins are so small. We’re hoping health care reform will allow us to take over some of the big pharmaceutical companies so that we can manufacture the smaller syringes ourselves. Once we make enough of them, we’ll be able to hand them out at no charge.”
WeaselMomma
No doubt about it, NUKEDAD IS BACK and bigger & better than ever!!!!!!!!
I love this, if you couldn’t tell.
(NukeDad) Just trying to call it like I see it. People are hurting in this state and nobody gives a crap.
WeaselMomma´s last blog ..Sunday Mish-Mash
Jan 11, 2010 @ 11:55 am
Tara R.
Florida is another state that has a smoking ban in restaurants and I am thrilled. Not sure how the NC legislation was passed, but here it was put to a public vote. The people of Florida called for the ban… I’m cool with that.
(NukeDad) I prefer non-smoking establishments as well. It wasn’t put to a public vote up here because I think they knew that the number 1 tobacco producing state in the union would vote it down. My only point is that there are other options than just telling people what they can and can’t do.
Tara R.´s last blog ..Weekly Winners ~ dark and light
Jan 11, 2010 @ 3:06 pm
Otter
I used to smoke. I quit. I hate smoking and being around smoke, but I believe it should be a person’s right to choose. I hate it when the government tells us that we are too dumb to make our own choices so they will make them for us because they know what’s best. I really hate it.
(NukeDad) Agreed; most restaurants had gone non-smoking anyway-people vote with their pocketbooks, but I still think someone who smokes should be able to go out to dinner and have a cig after their meal.
Otter´s last blog ..I’ll Be Watching You
Jan 11, 2010 @ 4:21 pm
PJ Mullen
What they should do is make all these criminal bankers work in the textile mills and give the out of work textile mills the bankers jobs. Help even things out a bit for a while.
(NukeDad) That might work, PJ; or at least spread the bankers’ huge bonus pool up to include some of the textile workers.
PJ Mullen´s last blog ..Making some changes…
Jan 11, 2010 @ 11:20 pm
Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo
In Australia smoking has been banned in bars and restaurants for years. And since then the incidence of violence in the streets outside these establishments has escalated.
Coincidence? Apparently…
(NukeDad) Nicotine withdrawal can wreak havoc on anyone, I hadn’t heard about the physical violence aspect, though.
Jan 12, 2010 @ 5:56 am
Clark Kent's Lunchbox
They passed the ban here in Houston a few years back. It’s really been a city decision in Texas thus far.
Still, the hit to tobacco producing states is clearly devastating, and unfortunately, hitting those working the hardest to make a living. Meanwhile, in the corporate world they’re playing find the peanut with net profits in order to protect bonuses.
Can you imagine what banning oranges in restaurants would do to Florida?
(NukeDad) Ha! Who knows? Maybe oranges are next; I’m sure the Center For Meddling In Your Life and Body will issue a report that vitamin C is actually bad for you. Coffee, butter, Movie theater popcorn; they’re all on the hit list.
Clark Kent’s Lunchbox´s last blog ..2010 …And I’m Already Behind The Times
Jan 12, 2010 @ 10:01 am
Michelle
OK, I think I just found my new favourite blog. I read your most recent post, loved it, and kept on reading. I’m hooked. Brilliant and irreverent, you can’t beat that combo. A big thank you to @CK_Lunchbox for pointing out @nukedad to me.
This is me still laughing…
(NukeDad) Wow! Thanks for the praise Michelle! Take a look around and let me know what you think!
Jan 12, 2010 @ 12:37 pm
Tom
While I’m not big on smoking and I’d rather breathe clean air… I don’t think it’s right to ram legislation like that down our throats. Another example of government deciding things for us ’cause we’re too dang stupid to figure it out for ourselves.
They could have employed people by opening up an air-filtration systems company instead; just suck the smoke out of the smoking section and scrub it real good.
It’s always easier to react than to respond.
(NukeDad) I worked restaurants for over 20 years, and while I hated smoke and smoking, I thought that a separate smoking area was more than fair. If you wanted to go to a bar then you took your chances-I preferred the ones that were less smokey or had an outdoor area.
Tom´s last blog ..The First Day
Jan 12, 2010 @ 7:38 pm
Keith Wilcox
They make these very powerful filtration things that can be installed just about anywhere, and they take away virtually all smoke. So, not only could bars make special sections for smoking, they can effectively filter it too. But, of course, our lovely government won’t have any actual free market shit going on. Nope, one size fits all.
(NukeDad) They’re called Smokeaters and they are awesome! We had them in a restaurant I used to work at and they were incredibly effective. At least people are starting to wake up to the fact that they are having a lot of decisions made for them now.
Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Super Mario Wii: Retro in a Good Way
Jan 13, 2010 @ 12:54 am
seashore
Love the post today. As a “regular joe” the laws are irritating, but it is business owners who are really getting stomped on. Being told what legal activity you can and can’t allow in YOUR OWN bar/restaurant has to be mind-numbingly infuriating.
(NukeDad) I think that’s all anybody wants, really, is a chance to make it on their own based on their own decisions.
seashore´s last blog ..Shy People Need Dogs
Jan 14, 2010 @ 6:36 am
Audubon Ron
Happy New Year punk.
(NukeDad) I thought you were still dead.
Audubon Ron´s last blog ..On My Wedding Day
Jan 14, 2010 @ 10:04 am
Web Design Richardson TX
This sound very liberal. I don’t think people realize what they are really up to. I smoke and people that don’t smoke think that it is a bad thing and should take that right away. People are too soft and no body want to offend any body else. I say people need to be offended more often. I think people are starting to wake up to the fact about what’s going on.
Samuel
(NukeDad) I meant for it to sound liberal. It was a totally fictional article highlighting the Nanny State through sarcasm. I guess it worked.
Jan 15, 2010 @ 1:24 pm