I Scream, You Scream…Yada, Yada, Yada

THIS..IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

I’ve got issues with NukeMom. It’s nothing major, just a little food faux pas that drives me crazy. She’s an Ice Cream Candlewicker. Don’t Google that, I just made it up. What exactly is an Ice Cream Candlewicker you ask? She’s one of those people that will only dig half way through the 1/2 gallon carton when dishing ice cream. Once she hits the half way point, she’ll flip the carton over and start digging from the other end. Think The China Syndrome, but with frozen dairy treats. Now, when it comes to ice cream cartons, I’m a backhoe kind of guy; you dig till you hit bottom and you’re done. I don’t mind the sticky, gelatinous, gummy remnants on my knuckles when I reach the bottom ‘cuz I’m going to lick it off anyway. It’s no different than making a cake and licking the bowl. And the spatula. And the spoons used during mixing. And those few drops that fell on the countertop. And the oven rack. Of course, you need to make sure the oven has cooled down first. It only took me one experience to learn that. I also learned that gauze and athletic tape will not stick to the human tongue for more than 45 seconds, tops. It hasn’t been an issue of late because she and the kids like chocolate, and I like chocolate chip. Well, that is, until a couple of weeks ago when she convinced NukeBoy2 and NukeGirl that they reeeally would like the chocolate chip if they would just ask Daddy for a bite. Daddy? Daddy? Her ploy worked; now 2 of us like chocolate and 3 of us like chocolate chip; which brings me to the reason for this post. Now that I’m having to share the chocolate chip, it’s shelf life is noticeably shorter. I went for a bowl tonight and it wasn’t there. I retaliated by reaching for the chocolate. Mumbling something under my breath about proper family dessert hierarchy, I jammed the scoop in the middle of the chocolate ice cream and experienced what the people in the video below experience for the first 4 seconds.

Now, I know I said I don’t mind licking my knuckles every now and then, but what I do mind is going forearm deep into the carton when I’m least expecting it. I’m also not crazy about digging dried chocolate ice cream out of my arm hair for the next 4 hours. A shower, you say? Sure, but I have forearm hair like Robin Williams; it isn’t easy. When the NukeBeagles come inside and want to get warm, they lay on my forearms. I lost my keys once. For 2 days. I found them in my arm hair. Just sayin’. We tried the other way, where you open up the whole side of the carton, and while it was easier to dish, storing it was a pain; it didn’t fit on the door the right way. I know, I know; call the wahmbulance, poor NukeDad. All I’m saying is; if you’re going to convince the kids to eat my ice cream and insist on scooping from both ends of the carton, then be prepared to dig a few arm hairs out of your bowl. Love, your hairy hubby.

Launch It:

This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 16th, 2009 at 3:02 am and is filed under Battlefront. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Tara R.

Why not just scrape the ice cream evenly from across the top? The side stuff is pretty good too.

But, I’m with you… let the heathens get their own ice cream. Leave mine alone.

(NukeDad) She starts by taking off of the top, then it all goes downhill from there. I may have to double the ice cream budget to save my sanity.

Tara R.´s last blog ..Mother Earth

Dec 16, 2009 @ 7:51 am

Melisa

So, I don’t get it…are your arms hairy or something? haha

I must admit, I have never heard of anyone turning the ice cream carton upside down once the “top half” has already been scooped out; that would also drive me NUTS.

That being said, and although this post was hilarious, if that’s one of Nukemom’s biggest faults, she’s still a wonderful woman and you’re a lucky guy.

THAT being said, that was a dirty trick, to have the kids ask you to try some of your chocolate chip. That happened to me once, and since then, I never get more than one serving of Fudge Brownie Swirl before the box disappears.

(NukeDad) I think I might change flavors to something they won’t be so quick to enjoy; like Spinch Chip, or Onion Swirl.

Dec 16, 2009 @ 7:53 am

tom

Ah, the old ice cream cave-in, eh? I’m fortunate that my family is all of the backhoe school; not a candlewicker in the bunch. Of course, the way they go through the stuff (and given the ever-shrinking carton sizes these days), the kids usually hit hardpan the first day and polish it off the next; so I rarely get to spelunk in the mint chip anyway.

(NukeDad) THANK YOU! Someone else noticed! Do you think many people realize they aren’t buying a 1/2 gallon anymore? First they lowered it to 56oz for the same price; now they’re down to 48oz for the same price. 2 cups gone, just like that, and no one notices because the price hasn’t gone up. The sneaky food thieves are doing it with all of the packaging now.

tom´s last blog ..More Tips for Teens!

Dec 16, 2009 @ 8:17 am

WeaselMomma

I too have never heard of anyone digging 1/2 way through and then flipping it over and opening the other side. That makes no logical sense.

I do however find humor in NukeMom’s back stabbery. Smart woman.

C. It looks like you will have to employ the Wells family food protection technique. As soon as the ice cream enters the house, pull out a sharpie and cover the packaging with the NukeDad gang tag to warn others off your turf.

(NukeDad) The scary thing is, if you want clean knuckles it makes total sense-I just hate being the one who falls through the floor. I need to save a broccoli bag to put over the carton-perfect camouflage.

WeaselMomma´s last blog ..Field Report

Dec 16, 2009 @ 9:49 am

Oh, and I sincerely hope that NukeMom doesn’t have the same “it’s all stuck in my sasquatchian arm hair” problem that you do. If she does, you should get her a gift certificate for arm waxing this Christmas.

(NukeDad) Her arms are as smooth as a babys bottom. No problems. I can’t believe you called me a sasquatch.

Dec 16, 2009 @ 9:54 am

Otter

I can join in and say I have never heard of that either. Of course I don’t eat enough ice cream to ponder things like this. I am usally too busy trying to remember where I left my beer.

(NukeDad) Maybe we can come up with a solution: Chocolate Lager? Peaches and Ale? Chocolate Chip Cookie Bock?

Otter´s last blog ..Developing Sports Related Skills

Dec 16, 2009 @ 11:53 am

I TOTALLY know about how the ice cream is more expensive, yet in a smaller container. It ticks me off to no end. One of our generic brands here in Chicago actually still makes their ice cream in half gallon containers, and I buy that whenever possible.

Of course, isn’t almost EVERYTHING more expensive, yet in a smaller container??

(NukeDad) Just about. If only the food manufacturers could show the Government how it’s done.

Dec 16, 2009 @ 3:49 pm

Tom

Now I’m reminded of the guy who, a couple of years ago, challenged Cadbury’s claim about the size reduction of their chocolate Easter egg. They’d claimed “It’s not getting smaller, you’re just bigger!” in response to folks noticing how they aren’t as big as the used to be.

Some guy had kept some in his freezer for a couple of decades, pulled one of the really old ones out and compared it to the new models, and reported his findings on the news. Yep, size reduction is indeed the case. Cadbury had no comment.

(NukeDad) They had no comment? They should have sent out their cute little talking bunny. People are suckers for cute little talking bunnies. Look at the empire Hef built on that premise.

Tom´s last blog ..More Tips for Teens!

Dec 16, 2009 @ 5:57 pm

Keith Wilcox

I’m guessing you aren’t the kind of guy who buys those little Ben and Jerry’s cups! We are forced to do that because everyone in the house likes different flavors: Strawberry, Mint Chocolate Chip, Vanilla and Cookie dough. What are you going to do when they get bigger and start downing the entire tub in one sitting?

(NukeDad) We buy the pints on occasion; the little cups are a good way to go broke! My sister introduced me to them when I was back home. Her kids actually eat the Haagen Daz cups. The way they keep shrinking the packaging, we may end up buying those as “half gallons” soon.

Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Call of Duty Endowment: A Worthy Charity

Dec 16, 2009 @ 10:33 pm

Chris | Advice for Dads

Sigh…. I hate to admit it, but I am a candle-wicker. I just hate getting all sticky!

*Hands in man card*

(NukeDad) You candlewickers; I swear….Just kiddin’. You can keep your man card so long as you don’t tell me that you leave 6 or 7 sheets of TP on the roll and call it “sufficient”. Can you tell that’s another one of my peeve’s? Don’t want to get caught with only 6 or 7 sheets after taco night.

Chris | Advice for Dads´s last blog ..Introducing Solid Foods

Dec 16, 2009 @ 10:35 pm

Leta

Candlewicking…..a little odd if I do say so…but what is worse is your response to Chris….waaaayyy too much info about the morning after taco night!!!! Love ya….sis.

(NukeDad) Ha! I was just trying to properly represent the negative effect that those actions can produce. Love you too.

Dec 17, 2009 @ 7:42 am

Jason @ The Devoted Dad

Wow- That would way get on my nerves as well! Looks like you are going to have to become a 3 carton house, and you are going to have to get a hankering for some mint or chocolate coffee style (flavors that some kids don’t tend to like). And I am right there with you about the arm hair. It’s like cleaning out a paint brush- takes forever to get rid of all of that wholesome sugar milk goodness.

(NukeDad) It’s like cleaning out a paint roller after putting tar on the roof. I did buy an extra carton.

Jason @ The Devoted Dad´s last blog ..Paying Forward a Random Act of Kindness! Continued!

Dec 19, 2009 @ 12:25 am