The Weasel Momma Chronicles
Leading the resistance was never easy for Sarah “Weasel” Momma. She didn’t choose to lead the last few remnants of humanity through the vast wastelands of a post apocabrewtic world; but when the cans and bottles of BudNet became self-aware at 2:14am on August 29th, 1997, her fate was sealed. AnheuserDyne Systems had developed BudNet for the United States Grocery Forces to ensure the freedom of all cases of beer throughout the land. Lagers, Ales, Bocks and Stouts; the market was supposed to be free to all, but it didn’t turn out that way. The mighty overwhelmed the weak, laying waste to competitors far and wide; the dark, looming presence of BudNet always just over the horizon. Soon small pockets of resistance began to surface in the suburbs; taking victory in small bites–a neighborhood bar promotion here, a Greek Orthodox Church festival there–longing for the day that they could mount a large scale campaign to unseat the mighty BudNet and its ill-gotten market share. Weasel Momma and her band of Silver Bullet rebels led the insurgency valiantly, taking the fight to convenience stores and Mom and Pop grocery stores throughout the Tri-State area; but in the end, the Evil Axis of Sam’s Club, ESPNZone and Applebees proved to be too much. Led by the evil Brewmaster Dr. Doofenshmirtz, the Axis was able to secure prime shelf space and numerous end-cap displays for BudNet products nationwide. With Jimmy Football commercials airing during NFL games, Microbreweries disappeared one by one as the war progressed: Shiner, Fat Tire, Blue Moon, Lone Star, Samuel Adams; like dominoes they fell. The BudNet Cyborg Girls patrolled the bars terminating any non-conformists. In the end, it was up to the new coalition of Miller and Coors to mount one last push to try and defeat BudNet and its Axis of Evil.
Sarah “Weasel” Momma was born into a military family, so giving orders and preparing bad meals came naturally to her. The day the T-1000′s came on the scene was the day Weasel Momma knew she had to join the fight. She was at a kegger on the Jersey Shore when a just tapped keg of Coors Light morphed into Robert Patrick in a police uniform, who flashed a photograph of Bob Seger and asked; “Have you seen this boy?” Weasel Momma cried bitter tears that day; tears for the 15 and 1/2 gallons of Coors Light that lie sinking into the sand. She swore revenge and hopped into her AMC Pacer and headed for Detroit; home of Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band of Brothers. She had no way of knowing at the time, but Bob Seger was actually the father of her unborn son; Jimmy the Weasel, who had tried to send Bob Seger back from the future to the year 1984. Jimmy’s plan was to protect his mother from the 800 series of Terminator that had already been sent back to kill her, thereby erasing him from existence. He couldn’t very well lead the resistance if he was never born now, could he? In what can only be described as a Doc Brown McFlyism, Bob Seger missed his target of Philly in 1984, and ended up in Detroit in 1964. He quickly established a deep cover alias as a multi-platinum recording artist, dominating the charts from the mid 70′s to the late 80′s. Check his Wikipedia page, I’m not lying. Weasel Momma caught up to Bob Seger’s tour bus in Sandusky, Ohio and told him of the morphing beer keg/policeman. Bob sat her down and gently told her of his journey from the future, about the bleakness of living in a world dominated by Bud products, no pork rinds and the occasional Schlitz Malt Liquor 40 oz. He explained how he’d had to hide out for 20 long years waiting to finally meet up with her, how he’d had to “Get Out of Denver”, felt like he was always running “Against The Wind” and how (if he ever got out of here) he was going to “Katmandu”. That’s really, really where he’s going to, and that unless she was a “Beautiful Loser”, she’d follow him back to the tour bus, that was parked on “Mainstreet” but could she wait just a minute because there’s a bathroom right there and he had “The Fire Down Below.” Bob Seger and Weasel Momma traveled the world together; both reluctant soldiers in the Beer Wars. Bob taught Weasel Momma how to fold and properly display overpriced concert t-shirts, she showed him how to play beer pong and how to properly skin and field dress an 18 pack. Together they worked on strategy and logistics for the coming conflict.
During their travels, Bob Seger would write songs on the tour bus as they drove from show to show. One song in particular would give Weasel Momma the urge to slide across the bus in nothing but socks, her underwear and an oversized oxford shirt. It also made her want to play Xbox 360. It was on just such on occasion that Bob Seger told Weasel Momma; “We’ve Got Tonight”, and that was the day that little Jimmy the Weasel was conceived. Shortly thereafter, Bob Seger suffered a debilitating scapula injury when the tour bus was forced off the road by a Bud Light truck and hit a tree. Witnesses said they saw a cop that looked like Coach Willis from “The Faculty” driving the beer truck. Not long after, Bob Seger’s career died and Weasel Momma fled to Mexico to learn all about home brewing and how to make fragmentation grenades. Knowing that she was soon going to be a Mother, she educated herself on appetizers, beer games, how to make a diaper out of a 12 pack carton, what time does the drive thru window at Taco Bell close, how to pass a breathalyzer test, the 7th inning stretch and the designated hitter rule. When the war started; she’d be ready. Oh, yes, she’d be ready.
Happy Birthday Weasel Momma! You’ve been BLUNKED! Just as you, Momo, Tom and Melisa blunked me, I am now returning the favor. Visit these links to read the blunking of Weasel Momma by Momo Fali, Being Michaels Daddy and Suburban Scrawl. For my response to my blunking, click here.