Great Moments In Incredibly Inappropriate Children’s Birthday Gifts

OOOOOKAY!

I saw a story this morning about a new doll that is causing quite an uproar. Like most dolls, it allows little girls to act all grown up. This doll, however, allows little girls to play “Mommy” in the biblical sense. It’s a breastfeeding doll. Yep, just slap on the suckling vest and go to town. I am an advocate of mothers breastfeeding their children, I just think that the mothers should be biologically equipped for it before they learn the procedure. Was this really the next progression in dolls? They made the doll that cries, the doll that eats, the doll that wets its diaper, so, yeah, I guess nursing was next on the list. Where do they go from here? Maybe they could make Beasty Buffet Barfy Barbie to teach girls how to develop that eating disorder. Bratz could counter BeBuBaBarbie with Fat To Phat Party Chick. Bratz makes edgier dolls, so this one would teach the girls how to evacuate before they hit the clubs. Why stop there? Next could be Oops-Am I Really Pregnant Barbie, Whoa-Girlfriend I’m So Drunk Disco Bratz and Tats and Brats Barbie: Tailgate and get a Tattoo! What parent wouldn’t want the role-playing help that these wonderful dolls could provide their 1st and 2nd graders? All I know is that I’ll feel no guilt whatsoever telling NukeBoy2 no when Erectile Dysfunction GI Joe shows up on his birthday list.

THE MEADOW MUFFIN EXPRESS

The timing of this story couldn’t be better as I had a brush with an inappropriate gift just last week. NukeGirl got invited to a birthday party so I took her to the store to buy the gift. I was in a terrible hurry so I told her to choose quickly. She headed straight for the Barbie aisle and chose a Barbie that came with a dog. “She likes puppies, Daddy; let’s get this one.” I threw it in the cart and we dashed off to the frozen foods. It wasn’t until later that night that I finally got a good look at it. I was putting it in the gift bag when I noticed that what I thought was a leash now seemed too big. As you can see from the package, all it says is “Barbie” and “Tanner”; there’s no hint at what Barbie and Tanner plan on doing together. Then I spotted the 2 pink circles designed to blend in with the packaging. One read “Tanner loves treats!” I glanced up and saw the “treats” that made me queasy because they looked like brown tic tacs. The second pink circle read “It’s clean-up time!” and it all hit home. I had bought a pooping puppy. The leash was actually a pooper scooper. The brown tic tacs were Tanners treats AND his road apples; in one end, out the other. While it is an educational toy that teaches kids that dogs make a mess and require work, I didn’t feel that it was the right way to associate my child to another. I could just see her Senior Yearbook; “Wow! What a year! Thanks for helping me in Chemistry; I am so not a science girl! Hey! Remember that time in 1st grade when I first met you and you gave me that Barbie doll with the dog that liked to take a shit? Yeah, just wondering….Have a great summer! Call me!” Not exactly the first impression we were looking for with a new friend. NukeMom took NukeGirl to the store on the way to the party for a new present. There were so many choices, but I think they finally settled on Bi-Polar Schizophrenia Barbie. It came in two boxes.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, August 6th, 2009 at 1:51 am and is filed under Battlefront. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

WeaselMomma

I have heard about both of these barbies. The pooper scooper version I found funny due to the absurdity. The breast feeding model I just found to be over the line. I’m glad that it comes with a vest. The news channel has just explained it as the doll latches onto the daisy flowers and suckles. I thought they may be pasty style flowers.
Oh, and the tattoo barbie already exists. Eldest Weasel was gifted with it on more than one occasion when she was in 1st or 2nd grade. The kid gets to apply the tattoos to barbie themselves. They come in different sizes and designs, mostly butterflies and flowers and one that is the perfect size for a tramp-stamp.
I told her that it was a collectors item and we could never open the box. I’m not sure if I ever threw them away or not.

(NukeDad) The whole treat thing is what got me; I will never eat another tic tac as long as I live. Collectors Edition Tramp Stamp Barbie; you, my friend, are a genius.

WeaselMomma´s last blog ..Getting Back Out There

Aug 06, 2009 @ 4:51 am

Melisa

I am sitting here CRYING from laughing. I have many points I want to address:

1. I wrongly assumed that when Nukemom went to the store to get a replacement gift, you were going to RETURN this one.

2. I’m glad you didn’t, because it was wicked fun to watch you play with poop-ish tic tacs as Nukegirl laughed in the background. I can see it now…”Daddy? Can I have a turn?” “NO! Daddy’s busy! Come back later!”

3. My dog doesn’t tilt her head when she poops; rather, it just spins around 360 degrees as it makes a “whoop, whoop!” noise.

4. Extra Super Bonus points for remembering, in the middle of your playtime, the story of my sister and I and the “b*&#h incident”. I have to subtract points though, because your left hand didn’t actually call your right hand a bad name and then run to your mom to tell on itself.

HILARIOUS STUFF!!!

(NukeDad) We didn’t return it because NukeGirl wanted to keep it, and hey, anything that will help get the NukeKids On The Block out there helping clean up the poop is worth it. I won’t tell NukeBoy2 that you thought he was NukeGirl (shhhh!). This was for demonstration ONLY; I only SEEM to be having a good time. I’ve never played with it for more than 10 minutes at a time….on several occasions. I was hoping you’d catch the shout out; as soon as I did it i pictured you cursing your sister with dog crap on your hands.

Melisa´s last blog ..Let Me Take You For a Spin…

Aug 06, 2009 @ 6:22 am

PJ Mullen

Wow! Scary, funny, disturbing all at the same time. Who green lights these toys? Does playtime really need to be that close to reality? On the other hand, who knew tic tacs had that much fiber?

(NukeDad) I think I’d rather dry chew a carton of Metamucil before I’d eat a brown tic tac. Just sayin’.

PJ Mullen´s last blog ..Stepping Out

Aug 06, 2009 @ 8:13 am

Oops…well, if Nukeboy2 reads this,

I’M SORRY!

And…

Don’t worry…your voice will change in a few years and nobody will make that mistake ever again.

(NukeDad) Ha ha, they say the camera adds 10lbs of estrogen…

Aug 06, 2009 @ 8:58 am

tom

You know, there are just some human functions that don’t need to become the major focus of playtime. Kids have active imaginations, and if they find the need to exemplify the private but otherwise age-appropriate matters, they’ll figure it out on their own.

But the sucking baby thing just really goes beyond. What’s next? “Obstetrician Barbie?” “VBAC fun set?” It boggles the mind.

I’m glad Michael’s a boy, and my daughters are well beyond this stage.

(NukeDad) My sentiments exactly. Kids aren’t stupid; they pick up on plenty. I agree that age appropriateness will work itself out in time, kids mature at different rates, but giving a 5 year old a nursing vest is a bit much.

tom´s last blog ..Just Gone

Aug 06, 2009 @ 11:42 am

HouseofJules

I’m impressed you didn’t call yourself a b***h and then go tattle about it to avoid getting in trouble like SOME PEOPLE (cough *my sister* cough) I KNOW!

(NukeDad) Ha! I thought you two would like that reference. I had childhood trauma with dog crap too; I know how badly your sister scarred you.

HouseofJules´s last blog ..He’s in touch with his feminine side. Sometimes.

Aug 06, 2009 @ 4:46 pm