Blunk’d

I was mercilessly attacked yesterday.  My character was assaulted by four, count ‘em, FOUR fellow bloggers!  They beat me with the parody stick and then threw my bloodied carcass into the pond of satire, leaving me for dead.  But it didn’t happen; I’M STILL HERE!  And like Michael Myers, I shall have my revenge.  Granted, I’m not a 7 foot tall hockey mask wearing sociopath, but I’m a quick study.  My chainsaw lessons start at 3 o’clock.  They were able to coerce my sister Leta into helping also; I can only surmise that they used Internet voodoo to make her do it.

This all started in the mind of Melisa at Suburban Scrawl.  Apparently she was reading one of the Tiger Beat back issues she keeps locked in her hope chest and came across a picture of Ashton Kutcher.  As she was dreaming of how best to knock off Demi Moore and take her place, she thought of Punk’d; Ashtons MTV prank show, and thought; “What if we punk’d someone on our blog? They would be BLUNKED!”  I think she should have gone with the apostrophe instead of the “e”, but until she becomes Mrs. Ashton Kutcher, she can’t risk possible copyright infringement.  She knew she couldn’t pull it off herself, so she recruited three of the better known interenet delinquents: WeaselMomma, Momo Fali and Tom from Being Michael’s Daddy.  Individually, they are tolerable; together, they are insufferable.  They’re like a reverse gender version of Blondie with Tom taking the Debbie Harry lead: they sound good, but after the show, you know they’re trashing hotel rooms and tossing TV’s into the pool from the 12th floor balcony.  They each had a turn at the “blunking”, so now, it’s my turn to add to some fiction, and clarify a few facts.

Melisa-Suburban Scrawl

Melisa’s blunking of me was centered around movies from the 80′s.  In an obvious cry for help she referenced 2 John Hughes movies; Ferris Buellers Day Off and The Breakfast Club.  Both great movies, but the sad truth is that Melisa is so delusional that she thinks she’s Molly Ringwald.  Seriously.  Just last week a customer in a salon on the west side of Chicago paid 5 dollars to look at her underpants.  I know; can you say stuck in the 80′s?  How many people do you know that have been sent home from work because they wore Sasson jeans and jelly shoes?  She eats sushi because Molly didn’t in The Breakfast Club, not because she likes it.  Then again, she isn’t a vegetarian because she loves animals; it’s because she hates plants.*  She peppered in several references of my ability to dance.  For the most part, she is correct; I dance like a a typical white guy when sober; give me a 12 pack though, and I’m Travolta.  The Fandango reference was nice; a Groover always appreciates accolades, and for the record; I DID once bury a bottle of Dom.  It was subsequently dug up and consumed when that chapter of the young NukeDad chronicles came to an end.

* Humble apologies to A. Whitney Brown

Tom-Being Michael’s Daddy

Being the only male wielding the blunking club, Tom had to swing harder.  I guess that’s why unlike Melisa’s 80′s references, Tom smacked me all the way back to the 70′s.  That deaf, dumb and NukeKid sure plays a mean pinball!  I write one post about the roller rink and all of the sudden I’m a duet partner with Olivia Newton-John in Xanadu.  That movie, by the way, was the end of ELO as a group.  You just don’t do stuff like that.  God will punish you.  Just ask Peter Frampton and The Bee Gees; God sent them into exile after that whole Sgt. Pepper fiasco.  He also made Aerosmith wait another 10 years for a hit.  Tom had a perfect opportunity to knock it out of the Park with an Asia reference, but blew it.  I think he got sidetracked.  He pulled out his Asia catalog and wanted to listen to every song with Eye or Eyes in the title or the lyrics.  His wife didn’t see him for 3 days.  I think he was also shocked to see that Steve Howe now looks like the Crypt Keeper.  I also need to thank him for ensuring that I will NEVER be invited back to my friend Patsy’s parents’ home after he mocked their cabinetry.  It was the 80′s!  Give them a break!  At least they got plantation shutters…eventually.

Momo Fali’s

Momo.  Poor, sweet Momo.  She just can’t let this football thing go.  It’s not my fault that her Buckeyes couldn’t stop an obviously superior Longhorn football team from scoring in the final minute to win back in January.  That ‘ole boy from Texas knew which way to run on that play, didn’t he, Momo?  What’s her blunking retaliation?  Telling everyone I was kicked in the head by a mule when I was a child.  The sad thing is, she’s not that far off the mark.  My head and solid objects didn’t really get along when I was little.  I cracked my head open 8 times before I was 6 years old.  Most of you are saying; that explains a lot, and Momo is thinking; I’ve got blog fodder for a year! The part of the story that Momo doesn’t want you to know is that the leading scorer in football in Ohio State University history is, in fact, a Texan.  (Did I forget to put THE before OSU?)  He is also a mule.  Ain’t that a kick in the head?  He was a field goal kicker.  He broke the NCAA record for longest field goal when he connected with a 100 yarder against Kent State in 1974.  His name was Gus, and you can see his life story in the movie documentary of the same name.  It chronicles Gus’ time with the team when head coach Don Knotts took them to 4 consecutive Guava Bowls and 6 straight 2nd or 3rd place Big 10 finishes.  This was when the Big 10 actually had 10 teams and not 11.  At least the Big 12 knows how to execute 2nd grade addition when they add teams to their conference.

WeaselMomma-World Of Weasels

The blunking spewed by WeaselMomma was projectile launched like tossed cookies from a Yak buying buicks.  Now that the barfing correlations are out of the way, let’s get a few facts straight.  The night in question that she describes did happen, they just didn’t happen the way she remembers.  It wasn’t ME who threw up in HER bra, she threw up in mine.  It was a mansierre; or maybe it was a bro, I can’t remember, but I was never able to wear it again.  I loved that bra.  It went with everything…it lifted…separated…didn’t dig into my shoulder blade.  She did offer me fresh clothes, but her blouse was ugly and didn’t match my shoes or my handbag.  I had to decline.  They didn’t call me “Yellow Cake” for nothing; it was my ability to accessorize any shade of yellow.  Make up, lip gloss, purses, pant suits, stilettos; I was the complete package.  We gave her some Altoids and a glass of water and let her stay.  She would walk up to guests and say; “Hey, buddy, got change for a dollar?” and then she would laugh hysterically.  Sadly, our contribution to the “Rolls of Quarters For Tots” campaign was way down the next day.  We lost track of her for awhile, but she turned up out back on the picnic table.  She was asleep and no longer posed a danger to herself or others, so we let her stay.  Anne Geddes snapped this picture, but it never ended up in any of her baby books; don’t know why.

The Blunking of NukeDad was quite unexpected, but lots of fun.  Melisa even got her word in the Urban Dictionary.  All of you other bloggers out there had better beware, Melisa may have started a viral campaign here.  When you least expect it you’ll go check out one of your favorite blogs and see a picture of yourself looking like you’re 3 sheets to the wind, even if you aren’t.  (I was only a sheet, maybe  a sheet and a half to the wind in that picture)  I’m flattered that they thought enough of me to assassinate my character like that, it should come in handy when I go looking for a job.