The Ebola Virus Couldn’t Be Worse

A 48 hour stomach virus has swept through the NukeHousehold. Dividing and conquering like Genghis Khan storming through China, with nary a Great Wall in site. It hit NukeBoy2 first. It was easy to blame it on the blueberry slurpee and 12 pack of starburst he ate in less than 10 minutes. Those, by themselves, would have been no problem; putting them on a base of Doritos, Pepsi and Burger King are. This was while we were on our way home from DC. NukeBoy2 is usually a very healthy eater, lots of fruits and vegetables-the kid has about 2% body fat-but get him on a road-trip and he turns into John Belushi in Animal House. Anything sugary or bad for you is all he craves. The one good thing about this virus is that NukeBoy2 will think twice before mixing slurpees with chewable candy again.

sick-001 In a fifteen minute span on Sunday night he went from happy to projectile vomiting. I told him that standing over the toilet bowl with your head resting on your hand on the raised toilet seat might be comfortable, but it does nothing for your aim. It was like trying to shoot water from a fire hose into a soda can from atop a 12 story building. Which is what prompted the sign. I haven’t cleaned that bathroom that many times in the last 6 months. He also learned that caution is key when it comes to all other bodily functions as well. Thinking it’s just a fart is great until the reality starts to take hold in your boxers. The laundry queue tripled.

I was next. After getting NukeBoy2 semi back on his feet by Tuesday afternoon, my stomach began feeling a little “groggy.” By early evening I was talking to Earl on the big white phone. I called NukeMom to get her home before 8pm and took my pillow into the bathroom. A full night of Linda Blair barf-obics and sphincter pilates put me in the clear. Meanwhile, upstairs, NukeGirl was starting her run through the virus jungle. NukeMom only got about 2 hours sleep, but, thankfully; she avoided the plague. NukeBoy1 avoided us the best way he knew how barring a haz-mat suit; he stayed in his room and played guitar.

NukeGirl had the worst of it if you go by frequency. I know this because every time she had to throw up she would announce it to me; “I have to throw up”, then she would let me know how many times this had been; “DAD! This is the 8th time I throwed up!” “DAD! I throweded up for the 10th time!” I lost count when I had to start carrying numbers. She found the sink to be the most convenient place to toss her cookies. This was easiest for her until she started getting lazy and resting her chin on the very edge of the sink; then the path of least resistance was up for grabs and the acreage needing to be cleaned doubled. I reacquainted her with the porcelain bucket.

Now that everyone is done with their bodily spring cleaning, I guess it’s time to start on the house. At least I’ll have one less bathroom to worry about; it’s so clean you could eat a blueberry slurpee and a 12 pack of starburst off of the toilet seat. Though, I wouldn’t suggest it.

Launch It:

This entry was posted on Friday, April 3rd, 2009 at 9:53 am and is filed under Battlefront. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Melisa

EEEEW!!!

I can always count on you to give things a different spin.

I’m glad you’re all on the mend! And hey, silver lining: clean bathrooms rock!

(NukeDad) Made you feel a little icky reading it, huh?

Melisas last blog post..Though She’s a Bit Stiff, She’s New York City’s Greatest Hostess!

Apr 03, 2009 @ 10:17 am

FilmFather

My family dealt with this fun last month, where (as usual with family bugs), I got away scot-free.

But then the next week, I had to go bragging to co-workers about my immunity: “Yeah, I must have a supergene or something,” etc. etc.

Literally the next day, Montezuma came calling for me, seeking revenge. And he found it.

(NukeDad) NEVER taunt a Mayan diarrhea God Celluloid Pop, EVER! You’re lucky to be alive! I did it once in Mexico with some lettuce and to this day I walk with a limp.

FilmFathers last blog post..Bobbie Jo and The Outlaw (1976)

Apr 03, 2009 @ 11:05 am

Eric

Dude, I hope things get better soon! Whew!

But, the question is… was the blue slurpee and starbusts worth it?

(NukeDad) Eric! Don’t you have diapers to change? Just kiddin’, glad to see you out and about. The verdict is in, and the blueberry slurpee and starburst get probation. 3 months-no contact, then supervised visits.

Erics last blog post..Let me just say…

Apr 03, 2009 @ 11:22 am

Matt

Wow. We went through the exact same thing this past week. I’m always amazed at how connected everyone seems to be with illnesses regardless of geography. And I completely dig the sign too. At one point I expected Haz Mat to come out and tent our whole house like in E.T.

(NukeDad) I thought our bathroom fan was going to short out and burn the house down. Candles only made the urge to get sick more intense, so I posted the sign and closed the door. Call me a coward, I don’t care.

Matts last blog post..The Night The Earth Stood Still

Apr 03, 2009 @ 12:37 pm

tom

Glad you all survived. I hope it isn’t transmitted via blog post; I can’t afford to get sick now.

(NukeDad) You should be ok; I typed it after using some Germ-X and I wore latex gloves.

toms last blog post..Myocardial Mon-dnesday: Omega 3

Apr 03, 2009 @ 1:36 pm

seashore

Ugh. Hope that virus isn’t hitching rides down here with the tourists! At least it was a quick attack.

(NukeDad) It was fast; like the Detroit Lions football season, it was over before it really began.

seashores last blog post..The Wind & Weather

Apr 04, 2009 @ 7:26 am

WeaselMomma

I glad you all managed to survived. You must still be feeling a little weak, because you haven’t seen the writing on the wall yet. This was a plot put into action by NukeMom. She must not have been happy with the state of cleanliness of the bathroom before you left for vacation. She wanted it spic-n-span. So she bought a souvenir vial of stomach flu at the Smithsonian to unleash on you. She also managed to pick up vials of anti-virus for herself and her 1st born (don’t you hate when parents play favorites?). That woman is an evil genius. Wow the admiration I have for her is overwhelming.

(NukeDad) Wow. That’s quite the conspiracy theory you’ve got going there WeaselMomma; I’ll have to mull it over. There has been a strange taste in the tea lately, and we keep getting mail from graveyards and funeral homes; oddly, all addressed to NukeMom. Maybe she is up to something….should a stay at home dad be insured for 10 million dollars? Just wondering.

WeaselMommas last blog post..Dad’s Are So Much More Than A Paycheck

Apr 04, 2009 @ 11:29 am

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why

I hate those bugs. Every time one of the kids starts to urping, I know I’m next. Hubs never catches those. My only consolation is that he gets their sniffle bugs. I would definitely keep my eye on NukeMom!

(NukeDad) She rarely catches the stomach/virus stuff, but like your Mister, she is susceptible to the sinus bugs. I think we’re all clear now.

‘cuz I’m the mommy, that’s whys last blog post..300th Post – I Love My Job

Apr 06, 2009 @ 12:43 am

Mike

Don’t take this wrong, but I’m glad my family is out here on the West Coast. Your house sounded like a mess for a while there. I’m going to go out now and rub my rabbit’s foot, knock on wood and say my prayers.

BTW I think I’ll drop by the Circle K and pick up a slurpee and some Starbursts. Just to be safe….

(NukeDad) I wouldn’t disagree with you; it’s been like an episode of House around her lately. Hopefully we’re past it now. Enjoy the cotton candy flavored slurpee and the sour fruit flavored Starburst.

Mikes last blog post..Sleeping With the Enemy…

Apr 06, 2009 @ 5:52 pm

Karen

That totally sucks! My niece arrived at my doorstep last Tuesday covered head to toe in pink vomit, thankfully it was her last purge. Oh and guess what Dad and Sibling forgot to bring… If you guessed the bag they packed her clothes in you would be 100% correct! They were late getting here and I was late for it but I decided to do water aerobics anyway so Sibling could bring her to the locker room and hose her off while I exercised. ISU’s hot water lasts infinitely longer than my apartment’s and no vomit getting tracked around my place, win win!

(NukeDad) You have more patience than me; I would have just tossed her in the pool.

Karens last blog post..Workin’ on my Fitness Melisa Style

Apr 07, 2009 @ 1:52 pm

I think the other water aerobisizers would have protested greatly at a puke covered child being tossed in, lifeguard probably wouldn’t be too thrilled either .

FYI: I wish I were debating flavors of barium to DRINK, contemplating if death is a better option than the test the GI doc is ordering… I so got some bad GI test karma or something for teasing you!

(NukeDad) Uh-Oh, sorry to hear that. Hope everything turns out well. I told you to stay away from those jalapenos!

Apr 08, 2009 @ 1:12 am

Dang, they have me on a different cocktail of drugs, I was so going to steal your miralax express pic if I worked up the time and intestinal fortitude to post about this! Lemon flavored liquid, I am not a fan of lemon, sigh. And my favorite drug dealer refused to give me any cyanide capsules! So far all the tests are coming back fine.

(NukeDad) Cyanide, huh? That’s a one way ticket, you know? Artificial lemon flavoring makes me hurl too.

Karens last blog post..Maddie

Apr 15, 2009 @ 1:17 am