CSI: Appalachia

By now everyone knows that Flat Weasel Momma; heretofore referred to as FWM, came to visit The NukeFamily  a while ago.  OK, so it’s been quite awhile ago.  You’ll find out why she hadn’t been sent on her way until just recently as the story unfolds.  Still, it’s not like it’s been 6 months or something, right Busy Dad?  Don’t give me a hard time, I can call him out because he held FWM hostage longer than I did; but then, he did negotiate for pizza, cash and a hijacked plane to Orlando.  911 wouldn’t even return my calls; not, that is, until things got really bad.  Well, here; let’s do it this way: I’ll just post the notes that I was gathering for this post as the series of events unfolded, that way you can be more in tune with the raw emotion (trauma?) of the siege occupation blitzkrieg visit.

Day 1

FWM is here!  It’s about time! The Microblogologist certainly took her sweet time getting her here.  What was it, like, 37 FWM posts over there?  FWM and Karen at the pool, FWM and Karen with a cold (Well, DUH! You’re in Iowa! It’s winter! Don’t swim!), FWM and Karen go to the Doctor, FWM and Karen OD on cough syrup, FWM and Karen go to rehab and meet LiLo and then start dating chicks, blah, blah, blah.  I just think it was rude to hang on to FWM for so long.  I know that I’ll be the perfect host and then get her on her way in a timely fashion.  Some people, I swear!

Day 3

Whoo hoo!  NukeMom scored the luxury box for the Monster Truck Show!  Wait a minute; the Monster Truck Show?  Not Springsteen?  Or Rounds 1 and 2 of the NCAA Basketball Tournament?  Oh well, who cares!  WE’LL HAVE OUR OWN BATHROOM!  I hope FWM likes loud noises and inhaling jet fuel.

Day 4

Despite being given a bedroom upstairs (the NukeBoys are sleeping on the floor), FWM refuses to sleep there.  She spends all of her time on the couch watching TV; like she’s on vacation away from lots of kids or something.  My God, has the woman never seen satellite TV before?  She’s up until all hours of the night.  If I have to hear that SpongeBob song at 3am one more time….  I got up this morning around 6:30am, and this is what I saw on the couch:

Should I thank her now for breaking into the $30 bottle of single malt?  I thought she said she liked beer?  She reminds me of my friend who used to come over with a 4 pack of Milwaukee’s Best and then spend the afternoon drinking my Sam Adams.  Better call her parents so they can get their charm school tuition refunded.  I think the combination of Monster Truck  exhaust fumes and single malt scotch has done something to FWM, she’s acting really, really weird.

Day 6

OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD!!!  I can’t believe what has happened!  The NukeKids and I just got back from the store and found an empty bottle of Scotch in the driveway and THIS:

What kind of animal would behead Santa Claus?  The NukeKids On The Block are devastated!  2 days before Christmas and THIS happens?  I told the NukeKids that Santa must have been on a scouting mission.  I don’t know if they bought it or not, and at this point, they’re almost inconsolable.

Day 7

I’ve searched all morning and come up empty.  This afternoon I followed a blood trail through the bushes, then the woods, across the highway, down a storm drain and finally to the edge of a spillway of a very large, very tall dam.  Funny; I’ve never noticed this damn before.  Or the river, but regardless; it seems that FWM leapt from the top of this dam like an innocent surgical Doctor who has escaped from a prison bus that was hit by a train, or something.  I called in reinforcements (pictured below) who started screaming about hard target searches, boathouses and outhouses.  The redhead says he’s from Miami.  He’s pretty cocky, too.  I like the guy from NY, but he walks like he’s got magic metal legs or something.  The curly haired guy from Vegas just keeps punching people with cameras.

Day 8

After a whole day of collecting evidence, the CSI team headed home.  They found the murder weapon underneath the bushes next to the driveway.  They also found some Coors Light cans with Doritos crumbs on it which obviously had to have come from FWM.  They were able to lift some good latent fingerprints, but the point is moot as we all know who killed Santa.  I’ve been told to keep an eye out for anything suspicious (ya think?) and if FWM returns, to try and subdue her right away.  I got business cards from all of them and the redhead from Miami also gave me his hairdressers card.  He wanted to give me his agents card also, but I told him I thought his agent had done enough damage for one career.  Seriously; Kiss Of Death? Leave NYPD Blue after the first season?  What was he thinking?  He should’ve dumped that agent long ago.

Day 9

The NukeBeagles had been going nuts all morning.  Then, all of the sudden they stopped.  I peeked out the window and saw them both munching on Doritos.  She’s close; I can feel it.  I checked the garage and sure enough, there was FWM trying to hotwire NukeGirls Barbie jeep.  “Going somewhere?” I asked.  She spun at me with a broken Subway cup, but she missed horribly.  I got her in a half nelson.  Then I got her into a full nelson.  Then I called the neighbor; Bobby Nelson, to help me get her inside.  The CSI team left me appropriate clothing for FWM should I capture her:

I had to think fast, as she was about to regain conciousness.  I yelled for the NukeBeagles and they helped me drag her into her makeshift jail cell.  They could smell the Doritos on her, so it wasn’t hard to get them to cooperate.  Buddy stayed with her to stand guard and lick the orangeness off of her fingers.

Day 10

The CSI investigators are on their way to pick up FWM.  They plan to transfer her to the SuperMax prison facility in Colorado.  I’m glad this ordeal is almost over.  I was in the bedroom when Buddy came sauntering in.  I scratched him behind his ears and then realized; if he’s here, that could only mean….I dashed for the kitchen and was able to snap this picture before FWM broke out the kitchen window and jumped to freedom.

Can you believe this?  Grabbing a slice of pizza as you make your escape?  I ran outside only to be held at bay when FWM jumped from behind the mini-van holding the murder weapon and staring me down with those cold, frightful, heinous, murderous eyes.

She laughed wickedly and jumped into the back of a passing pick-up truck with Canadian plates.  I’m no detective, but I think she picked that truck for a reason.  As the truck made the corner I could heard FWM yell; “I KNOW Big Bad Daddy has Doritos! And I’m a hungry, hungry Momma! AH HAHAHAHAHAHAH!”