New Calendar Year
I have many reasons to be thankful for the New Calendar Year, but highest on that list would be the arrival of a new calendar. The picture you see below is my vantage point when I am ensconced upon my throne at the dinner table. I have a clear view of the family bulletin board and prominently displayed at the top right is the family calendar. The one you see in this picture is the 2009 edition.
Penguins holding hands (fins, flippers, whatever). I can deal with that. Why is this an issue for me? Because for the last 12 months I had been subjected to some of the least appealing calendar pictures ever. It’s hard to enjoy your dinner when you look up and see some of the images I saw. I’ve included a few samples to state my case. First up is Ms. January. She’s an Orange Hairy Frogfish. Ingesting anything with breading during this month was impossible. Coconut shrimp? Forget about it. Chicken Fried Steak? Not happening. Every time the NukeKids get McNuggets now I think they are staring at me.
Say hello to Mr. March. Being a native Texan, I understand the underlying admiration I should feel for the State Speedbump, but I lived in West Texas. The closest an Armadillo ever came to El Paso was on a Jerry Jeff Walker CD. Spaghetti and Meatballs became Spaghetti and Marinara sauce during March. The fact that he looked like he had impaled himself on a pine cone almost ruined Christmas, but I had 9 months to get over it and, thankfully; I did.
Ms. April. Don’t have a whole lot of food analogies for this one, but just look at that; do I need any? 4 of her 8 eyes looking at my rice pilaf? Tell me you wouldn’t be creeped out. To top it off, she’s a jumping spider. All the more reason to keep an eye on her while trying to eat my soup.
Mr. June was like the annoying kid/brother/sister/friend that used to sit in the lunchroom or at the dinner table with you and say; “Are you gonna eat that? Huh? Are you finished? Can I have it? Are you gonna eat it? Are ya? Are ya? Are ya?” You’d finally give them some food just to shut them up. That’s what Mr. Titicaca (no kiddin’) frog made me think of. I’m not sure what’s going on behind his eyes. Those are either 2 bumps on his back or the largest expanse of butt-cleavage ever recorded.
Next we have Mr. August. This is what I looked like after a summer at the pool. Notice the Robin Williams like arm/shoulder/back hair. The Bruce Willis forehead. The total disregard for sunscreen. I’m not sure this is actually an animal; I think it’s Molly Hatchet’s old lead guitarist. Who, or whatever it is (Uakari Monkey), it certainly makes the alfalfa sprouts on your Cobb salad taste a little more gamey.
OK, Ms. October was when I almost lost it. The Spicewood Catepillar can “puff” up it’s head to make it look larger. The fake eyes also help scare away predators. It wasn’t the eyes that got me, it was the Hitler-esque mustache. Whenever I would look up it seemed like it was saying: “Papers? Zyour papers ar en ordah?” Mac and cheese was impossible. So were oranges, but they’re no good in Ocotober anyway. I did manage some orange juice, though; as long as I stood by the sink out of eyesight.
November 2nd is when I started eating dinner in the Den. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Mr. November made spaghetti, rice, noodles and all pork products about as appetizing as Indiana Jones’ Temple of Doom buffet. I ate bread and crackers on the couch. Oh, and I watched “Predator” about a million times. Not sure why….
So, there you have it. My year long descent into the bowels of gastro-intestinal upheavel. It actually explains a lot about my trials and tribulations this year, really. It was a great educational calendar for the kids, but the kitchen/dining area wasn’t the place for it. Too bad I got voted down 4-1 last January. I look forward to a year full of hand (flipper) holding penguins, frolicking polar bears, hugging kittens and butterfly kissing Pandas.
Weaselmomma
Wow. My first thought was “I knew NukeDad was so open to gay penguins”, but after seeing last years fodder I can understand why you are grateful for them.
(NukeDad) I’d look at a couple of asexual emu’s at this point.
Weaselmommas last blog post..In Fond Rememberance………..
Jan 02, 2009 @ 3:58 pm
Audubon Ron
Hum. Now wasn’t that quite a journey.
(NukeDad) Do I sense indignation or wide eyed wonder?
Jan 02, 2009 @ 4:50 pm
Mike
Obviously you went to the wrong bank to get your calendar last year. Probably one of those getting bailed out. Might need to shoot for a “landscape” calender next year… Keep the food down.
(NukeDad) What bank are you going to? Ha ha, I haven’t gotten one of those in years. Grandma and Grandpa were the givers.
Mikes last blog post..New Years Resolutions…
Jan 02, 2009 @ 5:48 pm
azmom
LOL I think it is time for a less odd creature friendly calendar!
Hope you have a great new year.
(NukeDad) Thanks AZ Mom! Hope you do too. The new stomach friendly calendar is up!
azmoms last blog post..Week Recap
Jan 02, 2009 @ 8:47 pm
Kim
You just made my skin crawl with these creepy photos.. blah.. blah.. I am trying to shake it off..
(NukeDad) Now you know how I felt the last 12 months!
Kims last blog post..As I take my first steps into 2009
Jan 02, 2009 @ 10:43 pm
nonna
you know, you could’ve just switched seats with one of the munchkins
if it put them off their feed that would just make them grow slower so you would save tons of money.
1. need shoes less often
2. fit in clothes longer
3. smaller grocery bill
4. fewer haircuts
5. less weight = better gas mileage
i mean really, i think you messed up switching to such a mild non-appetite effecting calendar.
oh, and i tried to get that damn morethananelectrician to tell me the secret of adding replies to comments at the bottom of each comment and even at the risk of me “breakin’ red” on his ass, he has still refused me the knowledge. so how do ya do it??
(NukeDad) You don’t understand the politics of the seating arrangement. It took months of turmoil and tears to get them all set the way we are now. Pre high chair, post high chair, who sits next to Mom now that the high chair is gone; it was like the Founding Fathers penning the Declaration of Independence. I can’t (won’t) upset the apple cart now.
I use WordPress and just skip a line and type; not sure if Blogger will let you do that or not.
nonnas last blog post..think it will work? thursday
Jan 03, 2009 @ 1:34 am
James
Glad I didn’t have to see those pics all year! Unfortunately though, I had to stare at our ilustrious prez on a countdown calendar. I’ll get a better one this year too.
(NukeDad) Don’t get an Obama calendar. At least not yet. You don’t want to countdown for 4 years!
Jamess last blog post..Right Back at Cha!
Jan 03, 2009 @ 10:44 am
BBD
I’m not a squeamish guy, but those images……what kind of person waits to get those shots? I mean really? Sounds like the menu at your house is pretty darn good though, funny, I haven’t seen any invites in my inbox yet.
(NukeDad) You couldn’t pay me enough for that job. Like the guys who filmed the “Planet Earth” series; some of them camped out for 6 days to get 2 minutes of film. Oh, trust me, the menu isn’t that good all of the time. Invitation is always open, but don’t know how far you’ll get on snowshoes in NC.
BBDs last blog post..Wii the people
Jan 03, 2009 @ 12:23 pm
prefers her fantasy life
Yikes! Sometimes these educational things go a bit far. Congrats on the cutesy new calendar!
(NukeDad) It is great; all the animals on it eat rainbows and poop butterflies.
prefers her fantasy lifes last blog post..Mixed Blessings This Season
Jan 04, 2009 @ 12:52 pm
Karen
Haha, the spider totally doesn’t phase me, Ioway is bug central so I am used to bugs in and out of my apartment. I started calling them my roommates just to mess with people. Spiders are special since they eat the other bugs, I welcome them. Glad you like your new sissy calendar!
(NukeDad) I know spiders are good, so I usually don’t kill them; I just scare the silk out of them. Sissy calendar? It’s not mine, it belongs to my kids! I’ll have to be more specific next time.
Karens last blog post..Shopping With Niecey
Jan 04, 2009 @ 9:14 pm
VegasDad
I wouldn’t have survived 2008.
(NukeDad) Sure you would have. You might have been a little skinnier, but you would’ve made it.
VegasDads last blog post..let me tell you a little secret…
Jan 04, 2009 @ 11:41 pm
tom
Bet you lost weight last year. I know I would have. (shudder)
(NukeDad) Not as much as I had hoped, but this year should be better; with or without the calendar.
toms last blog post..When Everything Changes
Jan 05, 2009 @ 6:46 am
Busy Working Mom
I am just glad that you have the penguin calendar. I could not stand looking at those pictures at all. It just creeps me out. I always use my calendar so I can plan out my schedule. And I guess it has to look nice, otherwise I’d be avoiding it. I wish you all the best this year!
(NukeDad) Thanks, BWM! Same wishes to you. I’m glad for the penguins as well, but I think NukeBoy2 is going to have to take it up to his room. Too many people calling me a wussie now. I’ll get a scenery calendar or something.
Busy Working Moms last blog post..How To Deal With Bed-Wetting In Children
Jan 05, 2009 @ 8:10 pm