New Calendar Year
I have many reasons to be thankful for the New Calendar Year, but highest on that list would be the arrival of a new calendar. The picture you see below is my vantage point when I am ensconced upon my throne at the dinner table. I have a clear view of the family bulletin board and prominently displayed at the top right is the family calendar. The one you see in this picture is the 2009 edition.
Penguins holding hands (fins, flippers, whatever). I can deal with that. Why is this an issue for me? Because for the last 12 months I had been subjected to some of the least appealing calendar pictures ever. It’s hard to enjoy your dinner when you look up and see some of the images I saw. I’ve included a few samples to state my case. First up is Ms. January. She’s an Orange Hairy Frogfish. Ingesting anything with breading during this month was impossible. Coconut shrimp? Forget about it. Chicken Fried Steak? Not happening. Every time the NukeKids get McNuggets now I think they are staring at me.
Say hello to Mr. March. Being a native Texan, I understand the underlying admiration I should feel for the State Speedbump, but I lived in West Texas. The closest an Armadillo ever came to El Paso was on a Jerry Jeff Walker CD. Spaghetti and Meatballs became Spaghetti and Marinara sauce during March. The fact that he looked like he had impaled himself on a pine cone almost ruined Christmas, but I had 9 months to get over it and, thankfully; I did.
Ms. April. Don’t have a whole lot of food analogies for this one, but just look at that; do I need any? 4 of her 8 eyes looking at my rice pilaf? Tell me you wouldn’t be creeped out. To top it off, she’s a jumping spider. All the more reason to keep an eye on her while trying to eat my soup.
Mr. June was like the annoying kid/brother/sister/friend that used to sit in the lunchroom or at the dinner table with you and say; “Are you gonna eat that? Huh? Are you finished? Can I have it? Are you gonna eat it? Are ya? Are ya? Are ya?” You’d finally give them some food just to shut them up. That’s what Mr. Titicaca (no kiddin’) frog made me think of. I’m not sure what’s going on behind his eyes. Those are either 2 bumps on his back or the largest expanse of butt-cleavage ever recorded.
Next we have Mr. August. This is what I looked like after a summer at the pool. Notice the Robin Williams like arm/shoulder/back hair. The Bruce Willis forehead. The total disregard for sunscreen. I’m not sure this is actually an animal; I think it’s Molly Hatchet’s old lead guitarist. Who, or whatever it is (Uakari Monkey), it certainly makes the alfalfa sprouts on your Cobb salad taste a little more gamey.
OK, Ms. October was when I almost lost it. The Spicewood Catepillar can “puff” up it’s head to make it look larger. The fake eyes also help scare away predators. It wasn’t the eyes that got me, it was the Hitler-esque mustache. Whenever I would look up it seemed like it was saying: “Papers? Zyour papers ar en ordah?” Mac and cheese was impossible. So were oranges, but they’re no good in Ocotober anyway. I did manage some orange juice, though; as long as I stood by the sink out of eyesight.
November 2nd is when I started eating dinner in the Den. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Mr. November made spaghetti, rice, noodles and all pork products about as appetizing as Indiana Jones’ Temple of Doom buffet. I ate bread and crackers on the couch. Oh, and I watched “Predator” about a million times. Not sure why….
So, there you have it. My year long descent into the bowels of gastro-intestinal upheavel. It actually explains a lot about my trials and tribulations this year, really. It was a great educational calendar for the kids, but the kitchen/dining area wasn’t the place for it. Too bad I got voted down 4-1 last January. I look forward to a year full of hand (flipper) holding penguins, frolicking polar bears, hugging kittens and butterfly kissing Pandas.