Billion Dollar Baby Bills

You’d think that the Medical Gods would have shown some pity on us this week after the fun and excitement of last week.  I guess I’m just an easy mark.  That, or I’ve seriously pissed off somebody up there and they know that the flexible spending account has been zeroed out as we wait for January 1st to arrive so we can start getting sick before taxes again.  NukeGirl stayed home from school today with the sniffles and a little cough; no big deal, right?  We played Candyland until I almost fell into a diabetic coma.  I have no doubt that if I had, NukeGirl would have found an insulin injection for me somewhere just so she could kick my butt one more time.  Gramma Nut tripped me up a couple of times, but in the end it was Queen Frostine (along with NukeGirl’s double purple card draw) that did me in.  She’s just too formidable of an opponent.  NukeGirl, I mean; not Queen Frostine.  She’s a pushover; just offer her some coffee cake and you can sneak right by her.  I’m breaking out the Candyland Calculus Edition next time we play; let’s see NukeGirl beat me in that.

NukeGirl finally went down for a nap around 2:30.  I was thankful that she was getting some rest.  She hadn’t been running fever at all, and the sniffles and cough weren’t too bad; I thought she’d be well enough for school tomorrow.  Until 4 o’clock came.  I think 4 o’clock is now my new Friday the 13th Midnight Hour.  All hell broke loose around here at 4 o’clock.  I checked on NukeGirl and she had a red glow on her cheeks that wasn’t there 20 minutes before.  I woke her up, took her temperature and saw 103.9.  A good number for an FM Classic Rock station, not so much for a little girl.  Right then NukeBoy1 comes in the room and says “Phoebe is bleeding all over the carpet”; Phoebe being the NukeBlackLab who has nails longer than Milli Vanilli’s Grammy reign.  She somehow got one of them caught between boards on the deck or in the carpet, but either way, the carpet now looked like an Alice Cooper concert.  She’d snapped it off almost at the base.  Pedi-Paws was looking like a must have right about now.  I told NukeBoy1 to get her outside and try not to slip on the blood.  It was everywhere.  I called the Vet and asked what I should use to try and stop the bleeding and they suggested flour.  I tried it and succeeded in making Blood Pie.  Not exactly the solution or dessert I was looking for.  The bleeding had slowed and I had to get NukeGirl to the Doctor.  Buddy and Penny (The NukeBeagles) had come over to comfort Phoebe, so I figured 3 dog tongues would provide enough coagulant until I could get back.   

I piled the NukeKids in the car (it was now 4:21; Doctor’s office closes at 4:30), called the Doctor’s office to let them know we were on the way, then called NukeMom.  She’d told me earlier in the day that she wished she could leave work a little early today.  I granted her wish.  She would meet me at the Doctor’s and take over with NukeGirl while I went back to the house to get Phoebe to the Vet.  The wet towel on NukeGirl’s head had helped as her temp was manageable at 101.4 when the nurse temped her.  That was a load off of my mind.  NukeMom showed up and NukeBoy1 and I headed back to the house.  I wasn’t expecting to see the opening scene from No Country For Old Men when I went on the back deck, but it was close.  Phoebe had been pacing on the deck while we were gone and the bleeding hadn’t completely stopped.  Everytime she put pressure on it, it would bleed.  We did our best to gauze it up and put a plastic baggie around it.  The deck now looks like the guest house garage floor at a Drug Lord’s house.  Once we got to the Vet they got the bleeding to stop (mostly) and proceeded to trim the rest of Phoebe’s nails.  Four of them began to bleed.  “Do you own a carpet cleaning business on the side?” I wanted to ask her.  My carpet problem had just gone from bad to you’re sleeping in the garage tonight, dog. 

NukeGirl came home with a virus and no prescription.  Of course.  Had to be a virus, didn’t it?  Couldn’t be a little dose of strep, or even an ear infection; something we could treat and destroy; no, it had to be a stay at home for 3 days monitoring this Devil-spike fever event.  Again.  Bob and his cronies are starting to rear their ugly heads again.  Phoebe is resting comfortably on her bed in the linoleum sanctuary that is the laundry room.  The receptionist at the Vet’s told me that it’s corn starch (write it down), not flour to use when a pet’s nail gets trimmed too close.  She also told me that Rave hairspray will take the blood out of the carpet.  I relayed the information to NukeMom from the Vet’s office and when I got home we had bloody carpets that smelled like a hair salon.  I’ll try again tomorrow.  After the carpet cleaning bill (we just had them done a month ago) today’s little adventure should put us over the $200 mark.  Can’t wait to see what next week brings; maybe a foundation failure, or a water main break?  I’ve still got checks left.