G.I. Blow

Remember when I told you about my wonderful barium sulfate breakfast? I had to drink it for a CT scan my Doctor ordered to try and find out why I had pain in my side. They said everything looked fine. Well, somebody was wrong, and it wasn’t me. I spent Sunday afternoon in the emergency room with the same pain in my left side. The pain brought a relative with him. Let’s just say he was a BLOOD relative and he had no business coming from that particular EXIT ONLY door. I hate uninvited guests.

The gastro-intestinal Doctor who was on call in the ER Sunday night set up an appointment for me for Monday in his office as X-rays proved inconclusive (What? Again?). We talked about football and how the Longhorns are getting screwed. He said he could relate because he was an Auburn fan and the same thing happened to them a few years ago. We then danced around the topic of orifices (mine) and what he intended to do. Apparently I’m going to star in a movie. Or something like that. I know there is a camera involved and Dr. Jellyfinger is Directing. I offered up Tom Cruise instead as his career is fading and could use a good poke in the rear, but he declined. I, regrettably, have all the star quality he needs for this movie. The Doc has some previous credits: Three Polyps For Sister Sarah, during his Spaghetti Western phase; Dr. Suess’ Horton Hears A Poo; animated, for the kids; Journey To The Center Of The Dad and The Longest Yard. The working title for this feature is Saw VII, which I’m understandably not crazy about.

The Preparation (not H, I’m sure that comes later) is the liquid diet I’m enjoying today. The Doctor called it a “cleansing”. I’m pretty sure I’ll have another name for it before it’s over. The list of things I had to buy at the pharmacy all ended in “LAX”, but I’m sure I’m not getting on a plane for Hawaii in Los Angeles. I’ll definitely be going for a ride, though. One of them was a powder (238g) that the bottle indicated would give “14 daily doses”. I’ll be ingesting it in 2 hours with 64 ounces of Gatorade. On purpose. Fraternities call it hazing, 3rd world countries call it torture, but my Doc calls it a “cleansing”. We’ll see how clean I feel about 10 o’clock tonight. I have a feeling this concoction is going to run through me like Kate Moss through the donut aisle. If you’re thinking about it tomorrow, around noon eastern time, send some positive mojo my way. Had to post this classic video. RIP Phil Hartman.

Launch It:

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008 at 5:00 pm and is filed under Guess It'll Have To Go Here. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

Trish

Oooooh, I’ll be sending my prayers up for you that your movie turns out to be a short.

Seriously tho, I hope everything turns out alright. Keep us in the loop.

(NukeDad) Yeah, I hope he doesn’t turn it into a Quentin Tarantino flick.

Trishs last blog post..And you are…?

Dec 02, 2008 @ 6:35 pm

VegasDad

I’m sure you can come up with a creative story about being probed. Blame it on Aliens. You can tell the kids about it when they’re all grown up.

(NukeDad) Dang! Vegas Dad! You stole my thunder! Now I’ll have to go with the Roto Rooter angle…

VegasDads last blog post..to cut, or not to cut?

Dec 02, 2008 @ 7:30 pm

Melisa

I love me some Colon Blow.

I’m confused, though. Why did you have to buy medication made for Lacrosse players? That may help you when catching a really hard ball with a basket, but I don’t see those LAX medicines doing much for the pain.

Seriously, I will now set my cell phone alarm to go off at 11 a.m. (Central) and I will send an EXPLOSION (ew, sorry) of good vibes in your direction.

Happy Cleansing! xoxo

(NukeDad) I knew that I would be the BUTT of many jokes, however, your EXPLOSION reference hit a little too close to the bone. Don’t ASSume I’m enjoying this. Maybe I should have one of those “Adopt A Highway” signs tattooed to my BUTTocks.

Melisas last blog post..Now The Search Will Lead To Me Two Times

Dec 02, 2008 @ 7:47 pm

Dr. Isaid No

Hang in there my friend. I know it’s crappy, and there is a temptation to get really anal about these things, butt I’m sure you’re fine. When you get home, have two fingers of whiskey, spread out on the bed, and get some sleep.

Trust me, I’m a doctor.

(NukeDad) Bastard.

Dec 02, 2008 @ 8:22 pm

PandoraWilde

I went thru this after an MRI of my back turned up gallstones and a possible round of pancreatitis to match.

Before I could get a surgery scheduled, it blew up on me on a weekend–insanely so, since the GI surgeon happened to be in the building doing something similar to someone else (namely, ruining someone else’s weekend by not feeding them either and then doing surgery).

It doesn’t sound fun but it beats the hell out of nasty little surprises that blow your weekend.

(NukeDad) Ouch. Glad you’re OK. You don’t mess with pancreatitis.

PandoraWildes last blog post..Patchouli essential oil for sale

Dec 02, 2008 @ 8:45 pm

Bastard? Well, I rather thought you would have turned the other cheek!

(NukeDad) That could take all day. Besides, I prefer to call it a trunk. Quit falling behind.

Dec 02, 2008 @ 9:19 pm

Tara R.

Good luck with your procedure. I hope the doctor respects you in the morning though.

(NukeDad) That’s what I was thinking. He hasn’t even bought me dinner yet. He never calls or writes….

Tara R.s last blog post..Holiday Cookie Exchange

Dec 02, 2008 @ 10:59 pm

Mike

Remember to smile and say cheese. He’ll be able to take your picture from the inside looking out. Seriously, good luck.

(NukeDad) Thanks, Mike. I just hope he doesn’t use a Panavision camera. Ouch.

Mikes last blog post..Logic and Teenagers

Dec 03, 2008 @ 2:28 am

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why

Let me ass you a question:

Don’t you hate being all growed up and all the butt jokes are medical instead of sexual?

(NukeDad) Yes, yes I do hate it. Butt, what am I gonna do? AND, I know you are, but what am I? Na na na na na na!

‘cuz I’m the mommy, that’s whys last blog post..Top 11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

Dec 03, 2008 @ 7:38 am

Weaselmomma

You should ask the Doc if he is going to give you a ring first, then it could turn into a love story. OH, how I wish I could be there.

(NukeDad) You mean like Al Gore and Tipper? Puhleeze!

Weaselmommas last blog post..Fabulous!

Dec 03, 2008 @ 10:10 am

tom

Crap, all the good one-liners are taken. That’s what I get for farting around and not getting over here earlier. Butt anyway, just imagine how much better you’ll feel after you’re “cleansed.” Just pray the doc doesn’t prescribe a sand shake as a chaser, or you’ll know you really needed a good scrubbing.

(NukeDad) Sand shake wasn’t bad…I just got back, by the way. Got a triple thick chocolate shake to go along with combos 1-4 and the left side of the dessert menu. I will fall into a light coma after eating and re-emerge later tonight or tomorrow with a full recrap, I mean, recap.

toms last blog post..Velvet Slippers

Dec 03, 2008 @ 12:55 pm

Well? How are ya??

(NukeDad) Patience, patience. It’ll be up shortly.

Melisas last blog post..I’ll Get Back To Incessantly Talking About Myself Tomorrow…THIS One’s About You.

Dec 04, 2008 @ 8:15 am

evan

Although I wouldn’t have the stomach for it, I have no doubt that you passed the procedure with the intestinal fortitude we’ve all come to expect from you.

(Sorry, I think all the good ones were taken. Ah, to be twelve again.)

(NukeDad) Ha Ha, good one, Evan. It took guts to say that.

Dec 04, 2008 @ 8:17 am

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins

Followed the link to your blog from Melisa’s post, like the good little follower I am. Hope your rectum is feeling better!

(NukeDad) Rectum? Damn near killed ‘em!

Colleen – Mommy Always Winss last blog post..Un-Grinchitizing Christmas: The people who need it most

Dec 04, 2008 @ 10:51 am

Karen

Damn, I am way behind the times (hehehe, unintended pun!). I came somewhat close to going to the ER myself since the codeine cough syrup has a side effect that those with GI issues can already be prone to. I had much trouble trying to decide which I would rather die of, embarrassment or a ruptured colon. Did you know that water aerobics works the core and that I am an extremely stubborn person? Had blood been involved I think even I may have caved and went with embarrassment over rupture (well blood likely would have indicated rupture had already occurred, stupid late night sudden onset pain, damn colon needs to give a warning before it decides to stop working so I can take the meds for it before it becomes palpable and painful all the way around!). I hope yours is back to behaving as I have finally convinced mine to do (I think). I am even more committed to NOT seeing the GI doc after reading this!

(NukeDad) Not seeing the GI Doc again? Yeah, I’m in touch with that emotion.

Karens last blog post..Microblogologist in the World of Weasels

Dec 08, 2008 @ 3:44 am