Online Medical Degree Part 2: The Musical

If you are just joining us, you will need to go and read this post first to get you up to speed. Where was I? Oh, yeah, almost killed…dodge ball….MRI, got it. So anyway, next Tuesday comes and I hobble myself into sub waiting room 4C in lobby number 5, level 3. The magazine selection is much better in lobby 2, but the point is moot because I’ll be spending my afternoon in a trailer. The 4 story 27 Doctor office megalopolis doesn’t have it’s on MRI machine, so the local Health care Capo sends over his 3 million dollar tractor trailer mobile MRI machine once a week. The perturbed Certified Nursing Assistant who would obviously rather be doing body shots with her Phlebotomy lab partner calls me back and proceeds to leave me in the dust. After consulting her GPS clipboard locator she comes back to find me 27 feet away from the door she left me at. I told her; “It’s not that I’m old or disoriented, it’s that I’VE GOT A VERY PAINFUL YET TO BE DETERMINED KNEE INJURY THAT WILL REQUIRE A LITTLE PATIENCE ON YOUR PART!” She was acting like I’d just given her an overflowing urine sample with no lid. My raised voice raised some eyebrows and I was quickly smothered by 3 more attendants trying to improve my visit. What if I had been a Secret Shopper? That girl would have been so screwed. Needs Improvement scores for sure. We made it to the trailer and I was put on the “Patient Lift”. U Haul calls it a couch lifter.

Once inside the trailer, things got worse. The cute MRI tech was clearly being stalked by the data entry technician and she wasn’t happy about it. I felt like I’d walked into a Lionel Richie song. The guy was shameless, clueless and obviously relentless. “Your hair looks great today, did you get it cut?” She rolled her eyes at me and quickly led me into the back of the trailer mumbling something about restraining orders and Taser guns. At least we left the tech area before we both had to hear him say something like; “Your name must be VISA, because you’re everywhere I want to be.” She gave me the proverbial paper gown and told me to make sure all metal objects were in the safe with my wallet, wedding ring and dignity. Wow, I did have a little left; until now. They must have thought they were going to the Pediatricians office today because the gowns they brought were tailor made for elementary schoolers. No one over the age of nine had a nun’s chance at a Prop 8 rally of getting the back of that thing closed. I sheepishly asked for another and she smiled and said; “Just take this” and handed me one of the sheets they place on the MRI bed. It felt like a Toga party, but at least I didn’t look like a Thanksgiving turkey in a French Fry bag.

They positioned my knee where they needed it and told me to remain as still as possible for the next FORTY FIVE MINUTES! Good Lord, puberty didn’t last that long. About 4 seconds before they turned the machine on my life flashed before my eyes. I was in the machine up to my chest and it occurred to me that my mind wasn’t exactly hitting on all cylinders concerning full disclosure during the “METAL” portion of the directions. “WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!” I yelled over the din of the MRI machine’s nuclear reactor-like warming up phase; “I HAD A VASECTOMY AND THEY USED METAL CLAMPS!” I managed to get all of that out before almost passing out. The MRI tech was smiling at me when I came to, thinking that now she had 2 restraining orders to procure, no doubt. “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. It’s mainly for pacemakers and such”, she told me. Great. Information I could have used about 20 seconds ago. The deafening hum (they gave me ear plugs) was at full tilt, the lights started going on, I started to feel a tingle someplace that had metal that WAS NOT of the pacemaker type and then I fell asleep. Or passed out from fear and shock, I’m not sure which, but when I opened my eyes again it was all over. After I got dressed and was checking out with the MRI tech, I told her; “You might want to revise that pacemaker only disclaimer”. I felt like a skateboarder who had unsuccessfully tried to grind a hand rail; ultimately straddle bombing it from 12 o’clock high instead. The pain wasn’t excruciating, but then, neither is a root canal. “Really?”, she said, “I’m sorry”, and then she related the story to her stalker who quickly shot me an evil look. It was time for me to go. I was obviously cramping this young man’s style and who was I to stand in the way of this budding, toxic relationship? I hobbled (knee) and waddled (crotch) back to my car and drove home. What a week I’m havin’. Damn; there’s the doorbell. I’ll be right back with the conclusion; I swear…..

Launch It:

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 18th, 2008 at 3:34 pm and is filed under Tales From The Lazy Boy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

Mr Lady

You HATE me, don’t you?

(NukeDad) I don’t hate you, it’s just that I am the Human Run-On sentence and this story is proving it!

Mr Ladys last blog post..Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down

Nov 18, 2008 @ 3:42 pm

Mike

Getting old just sucks. Hope this story gets a happy conclusion…

(NukeDad) Stay tuned…..

Mikes last blog post..My Brain Hurts

Nov 18, 2008 @ 6:12 pm

Melisa

The winning sentence?

“The perturbed Certified Nursing Assistant who would obviously rather be doing body shots with her Phlebotomy lab partner calls me back and proceeds to leave me in the dust.”

That image totally brought on that loud guffaw…(how embarrassing: I wonder what my kids think I’m doing down here in the basement!)

And as someone who used to, as a Health Club Membership Rep, used to be shopped on a regular basis, the idea of you as a Hospital Secret Shopper totally put me over the edge. Hilarious!

Can’t wait for Part 94,531!

(NukeDad) I won’t do that to you; final episode tomorrow.

Melisas last blog post..Oh No, She Didn’t!!!

Nov 18, 2008 @ 7:07 pm

Kim

I am not sure what is funnier today..the post or Melisa’s comments.. lol..

And how did you fall asleep in that thing?? Even with the ear plugs and the feeling like I was being buried alive was too much for me to even relax.. I will be back you teaser..

(NukeDad) I could fall asleep just about anywhere, anytime for any reason. Plus, the humming of the machine was very hypnotic.

Kims last blog post..If your looking for me…

Nov 19, 2008 @ 12:38 am

Weaselmomma

“WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!” I yelled over the din of the MRI machine’s nuclear reactor-like warming up phase; “I HAD A VASECTOMY AND THEY USED METAL CLAMPS!”
You surely could have come up with a better pick-up line. Like “Oops, I dropped my sheet!”

(NukeDad) Pick-up line? That wasn’t a pick-up line; at the time it felt more like a last will and testimony. Or, a final, pitiful cry for help in a world gone mad.

Weaselmommas last blog post..CLICK MY ADS!!!!!!

Nov 19, 2008 @ 7:18 am

Audubon Ron

I know your type, you think the more complaining you do the more pain killers they’ll give you, you pill popping gold digger. I’m sure they scheduled a psych eval for you in Chapter Three.

With those hospital gowns. Turkey in a French Fry bag? That paints quite a picture, boy. Now you know why I WON’T be going to ER if I get an erection lasting four hours or more from Viagra.

(NukeDad) If the scenario you described did take place, you’d have a pup-tent. Or, your very own oxygen tent. Provided you were still able to breathe. And thanks for getting that ruined Elvis song stuck in my head.

Audubon Rons last blog post..If Its Gooey, White and Greasy, She’ll Eat It

Nov 19, 2008 @ 10:15 am

tom

You fell asleep? Within the merciless metal maw of the doughnut of doom? I’m not claustrophobic by nature, but it was all I could do not to claw the thing apart, let alone lie still as ordered. Would be nice to hear the rest, like, today maybe.

(NukeDad) I could’ve dozed off during the bombing of Dresden. Hang tight; I’m almost done.

toms last blog post..Our New Friend

Nov 19, 2008 @ 11:03 am

Karen

The metal thing is not just for pacemakers. The clamps they used in you were not the kind of metal that they are worried about, they are concerned with metals that are attracted by magnets. If your clamps were the kind that were you would not have walked out of that room and would potentially change your name to NukeEunich (scarily this is likely the best case scenario). I know several people who cannot get MRIs because they have metal shavings in their eyes and such from the jobs they had, the MRI would cause the shavings to move and likely become projectiles, the ones in their eyes would render them blind.

I wish I could have slept through my times in the tube! Knee MRIs are way better than wrist ones, for the wrist they put me in head first and I had to stay through two rounds of it since the pictures did not turn out good the first time. And for whatever reason my bad knee jerks in them, the first one was for the knee so I thought it was just me trying to keep it still but the wrist one it did it again without my thinking about keeping it still, very odd, lol. And now to go read the conclusion of this saga!

(NukeDad) Some of it may have been pyscho-sematic, but I’m tellin’ ya I walked in ellipses for a couple of days. Head first for a wrist MRI? Why couldn’t you just sit outside of it, stick your arm in, drink a beer and read a magazine?

Karens last blog post..Cough Syrup Bender

Nov 21, 2008 @ 11:25 pm

Yes head first, which made it very disconcerting. In general I am not claustrophobic but being in that tiny space that I knew would have been hard to get out of if on my own definitely messed with my head. I am guessing that just sticking the arm in would not have it in far enough, especially for a small person like me. One of the thoughts going through my head (not that many were when the machine was making its extremely loud noises) was if there is so little room with someone my size in the tube how in the world would a normal sized person fit?! I doubt they would have let a 16 or 17 year old girl drink a beer while getting an MRI .

(NukeDad) I bet you could have snuck in a 40 if you’d tried hard enough.

Nov 22, 2008 @ 2:54 am