Univ. Of Phoenix Called, Your Anesthesiology Doctorate Is Ready

Did I ever tell you about the time my Doctor almost killed me? Yeah, ICU for 3 days. The beginnings of the story are actually quite humorous…right up until the surgery and the near death experience. What happened, you ask? Well, let me tell you. It all started when a group of mid 30ish to 40 year old men thought it would be a great idea to enter the upcoming dodgeball tournament. The Vince Vaughn/Ben Stiller movie had recently come out and dodgeball was enjoying a resurgence nationwide. We wanted a piece of the action. One last shot at everlasting glory and legacy building. The fact that I hadn’t seen the movie yet was irrelevant. I’d heard a few people talk about it and felt fairly confident that I could dodge a crescent wrench thrown from a wheelchair if I needed to. With quivering hands; I signed the entry form.

The team consisted of AP (my Assistant Principal next door neighbor), his Dad (quite the arm, actually), Me and several of AP’s friends. We didn’t meet for practice as we had all made it through the 4th grade and most of us retained the rules. I mean, it’s dodgeball; how hard could it be? The one thing we forgot; or, at least I forgot, was that we weren’t 19 anymore. My brain told me I could still move like a 19 year old, but the body said; “What are you, nuts?” Funny thing about growing old; denial will kick reality’s ass every time, but reality still has to pay the health insurance. You’d think reality would hire common sense and asthma to knock some sense into reality, but it never does. We got T-shirts made with our team name; “The Goofballs” (Our first choice: “The Limb Snappers” seemed a little aggressive) and met at the gym for what was sure to be a walk in the park for us.

Our first opponents were about the same age as us with a couple of ringers a little younger, but the second team was made up of flame throwing teenagers. At least, that’s what I heard; I was already on my way to the hospital by then, but I’m getting ahead of myself. The first game started without the anticipated fanfare (I didn’t see an ESPN camera anywhere), but we were no less enthusiastic. AP was beaning people left and right, and so was his Dad. I was throwing curve balls that were almost hitting their mark and thinking; “Has my rotator cuff always popped like that?” About 5 minutes into the game it was down to AP, Me and his Dad. We had the other team on the ropes (amateurs). They had gotten themselves into a pickle, and it was 3 on 2. The problem was; I didn’t have a ball. We had all but 2 on our side of the court; one was in the hands of one of the opponents and the other was on our side right at mid-court. I was closer, so the unarmed (unballed?) guy on the other side didn’t even attempt to get it lest he end up with a VOIT brand on his forehead. I dashed forward to retrieve the ball knowing that the opponent would surely try and pick me off, but if he did, I knew AP would serve up some 8 inch round justice and victory would be ours. I stayed low and glanced at the ball right as the other guy unleashed a wicked googly. I did my best impression of Neo from The Matrix and he missed me. I reached down, grabbed the ball, turned to run to the back of our side of the court and that’s when I heard the sound.

Have you ever heard a firecracker go off in an alley? That’s the sound my left knee made. It didn’t hurt bad, at least not yet, but it sure sounded nasty. I thought I’d just renovated a little cartilage again like I do when I walk up the stairs (again, denial), only this time it was more like a second story addition and remodel. I tried to keep playing but my knee started burning. I went and sat down amongst jeers of; “Walk it off, you Pansy!” I told NukeMom that I didn’t appreciate her tone and put some ice on my leg. I stood up a few minutes later, but it was now painfully obvious that I should take what little dignity I had left and limp to the car with it. I didn’t actually go to the hospital that day (so sue me for over dramatizing!) but I called on Monday for an appointment with the Mega-Orthopedic-Doc-Warehouse that our provider told me I had to go to. He did the usual tests. He placed my left leg over my shoulder and touched my right butt cheek with my toes and asked; “Does this hurt?” “A little”, I said. He took an X-Ray and deemed it inconclusive, just as every Orthopedic Doctor has since the beginning of time when trying to X-Ray cartilage and ligaments. We scheduled an MRI for the following Tuesday. At this point the Doctor thought there was still a chance that my ACL was intact. Holy Crap! 900 words! We’ll have to make this a 2 part series……

Launch It:

This entry was posted on Monday, November 17th, 2008 at 11:51 pm and is filed under Tales From The Lazy Boy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Mr Lady

First: The pictures, oh the pictures….how you make me giggle.

Second: You JERK. Finish the damn post, pansy.

(NukeDad) “The Ocho”! Gotta love it. Sorry, this is a LONG story. I don’t even know if I can finish it in 2 posts, it might end up being 3. Promise to read to the end?

Mr Ladys last blog post..Tooth Fairy Helps Self To More Teeth

Nov 18, 2008 @ 2:16 am

Audubon Ron

That’s a good piece of writing right there. I feel your pain, OH Oww!

(NukeDad) Thanks, Ron. Stick around. It gets worse.

Nov 18, 2008 @ 5:57 am

Weaselmomma

I heart NukeMom! Can’t wait for Paul Harvey to tell me ‘the rest of the story.

(NukeDad) Well, you’ll just have to be…..(Dramatic Overly Long Pause)…..patient.

Weaselmommas last blog post..CLICK MY ADS!!!!!!

Nov 18, 2008 @ 7:00 am

Melisa

OMG…just finish the freakin’ story and stop worrying about your readers thinking it’s too long (or is it just that you needed a potty break?) for one post.

I was on the edge of my seat! Finish, already!

P.S. Does the story end up with someone touching your meat? Oh wait, that’s MY post.

(NukeDad) Hey, hey, hey! This is a family blog! I’m trying something different. I was going to make it 2 posts, but since I’ve gotten such a big reaction, I’m going to make it 3 parts. Or 10, haven’t decided yet.

Melisas last blog post..Oh No, She Didn’t!!!

Nov 18, 2008 @ 9:56 am

You are evil, Mr. Bond. (But I like it)

Okay, I can play this game:

Ten posts? I dare you to stretch it out to 100 posts*!

*Okay, not really. I really want to know what happens next!

(NukeDad) Dad. Nuke Dad. I’ll have a barium suspension lower GI drink, two olives, blended, not stirred.

Nov 18, 2008 @ 10:32 am

Kim

I had no idea we were supposed to keep posts under 900 words.. I missed that memo.. I can’t wait to read the rest of the story.. I am sitting here feeling bad for you though..doesn’t it suck that we aren’t 19 anymore though we swear we can keep up with the youngin’s.

(NukeDad) This is kinda cool! Everyone on the edge of their seat! I should start a radio program or something.

Kims last blog post..If your looking for me…

tom

I’m dying here! Laughing, and waiting. My kids and I watched “The Matrix” this weekend, so I had a solid visual of you in “bullet time” bending backwards while the ball whizzed by with the shock waves spreading outward…

(NukeDad) You should have seen me; it was like liquid poetry.

toms last blog post..Our New Friend

Nov 18, 2008 @ 1:16 pm

PandoraWilde

I’ve got an appointment scheduled for Dodgeball Friday night with another fan club (I belong to one where I get to wear miniskirts and military costumes against a group that really just wears whatever the hell they want–we have more fun but they tend to win).

Fortunately I also have both a neurologist and PCP who both will shoot my ass with rock salt if I actually PLAY Dodgeball so I will be the cheering section and the Rangers can be whatever they want–I’m hoping I’ve rounded up enough of a team to even play, let alone try to win.

I should have an update over at the Blogging Den 2 Friday or Saturday if I actually have wifi at the convention.

(NukeDad) It’s still a big deal. After the tournament that I played in (and got hurt in) the Y started an adult league. That was 3 years ago and they have about 24 teams now. No Ben Stiller though.

PandoraWildes last blog post..To DaishoCon I Go

Nov 18, 2008 @ 8:50 pm

LOL,

“You made me bleed my own blood!”

I never can get that line out of my head anytime someone mentions Ben Stiller.

(NukeDad) The kids love him in Night at the Museum. He can be a little irritating sometimes, but he was perfect for this role.

Nov 18, 2008 @ 11:07 pm