Why Not Sweats And A BabyDoll Tee?

I’m not a fashion Mogul.  Never even played one on TV.  If I offend your sensibilities with this post; I apologize, but something tells me there’s nary a chance of that.  Pierre Cardin has made millions through the years as a fashion designer.  I’m sure I’ve seen his work many times on television and in the movies.  I’m reasonably sure though, that I’ve probably never seen his work ambling through the aisles of Food Lion.  At least not that I can recall, unless you count last Halloween when what I interpreted as a costume was actually some of his Fall 07 collection.  That could be the case and, at any rate, I’ll be on the lookout this Christmas.  Why, you may ask?  Because I’ve seen a preview of the stunning ensembles he has created for this Holiday season.  Allow me to share a few of them with you.  Ladies, you may want to make sure you have some room on your credit cards, you don’t want to be out of fashion.

Let’s start with this little number.  What exactly is he trying to say here?  It certainly is slimming, but was that his intent?  So much of fashion today is what the outfit “says” rather than how it “looks”.  What this outfit “says” to me is that some HVAC supplier in Italy was having a fire sale on duct work.  Ironically, that’s how it “looks” to me as well.  This isn’t fashion!  This is indoor climate control!  Unless my uber-ignorant fashion-less mind is missing the point completely, which is quite possible.  If that’s the case then I’ll have to say that his intent was to promote safe-sex in the schools.  Don’t be surprised when you show up for that Parent/Teacher conference and Ms. McGillicuddy is wearing that outfit.  Could a copyright infringement suit from Trojan be far behind?  I guess once you’re done with it you could always put it in the back yard and let the kids crawl through it.  

Next we have the Gentleman’s Savior Outfit.  I call it that because darlin’, if you ask me if that outfit makes you look fat I’m going to answer in the affirmative with absolutely no reservations at all.  It’s a sphere.  A ball.  Paint some laces on it and you could be the first pitch at the World Series.  Sprinkle some sugar on it and you can be a gumdrop.  The accessorizing possibilities are mind boggling; I mean, what doesn’t go with circle?  It’s like jeans!  Everything goes with jeans!  In the off season you could rent yourself out to local High Schools and Colleges as a Mascot.  Unless the school’s mascot is the “Rockets” or the “Eagles”.  If that’s the case, you’ll have to improvise.  I have faith in you, though!  If you had the foresight to purchase such an ensemble, certainly you can figure out how to maximize it’s wear-ability.

I think this one was supposed to be a down jacket for all of those juvenile trees that have to sit for days upon days in the Christmas Tree lot until they get sold; usually on Christmas Eve.  It comes in a variety of colors because, let’s be honest, what Christmas Tree wouldn’t be willing to be seen in something other than that tired old Douglas Fir green?  The problem was that the child laborers who cut the patterns and then sewed them together made the pattern too small.  Consequently, they wouldn’t cover the girth of the trees, so Pierre picked them up at a bargain basement price, cut a hole near the top and viola!, winter jacket!  He had an over abundance of Extra Smalls, so he improvised yet again.  You can find many of the XS Christmas Tree Jackets now hanging from rear-view mirrors across the nation.  Go to AutoZone to pick up yours.

Pierre had fond memories from his childhood of the great Sunflower/Pumpkin Harvest Festival that took place each year in his village.  To honor that great tradition he added this stunner to his collection.  It’s a tribute to “Ms. Sunpumpkin Flower” who was crowned each year.  The winner was always a local villager who’s reign would last 1 year, or until she passed out from exhaustion.  The dress, lovingly recreated by Mr. Cardin, was fashioned by laying blankets of sunflowers over the village church bell.  After they dried sufficiently, the Pumpkin covering was added, the dress was complete and the wearer was relegated to standing up forever.  Or, until she passes out; like I mentioned.  Last year there were 84 “Ms. Sunpumpkin Flowers”.  The longest reign was 17 days after which the poor girl passed out and fell over the left field fence at the local baseball game.  By the time the grounds crew got to her the dress was ruined.  The visiting team left with a 5-3 victory and a years supply of sunflower seeds.  Label states that those allergic to bees should not purchase this dress.  

Dude.  Existentially this dress is the post modern zen inducing brain candy I’ve been looking for!  Too bad I’m a guy!  I guess I could add it to my “private” collection, but that’s a matter for my Therapist.  This outfit tells the world that YOU are an artiste!  Just check out the trash can lid sized palette hanging from your head!  This is created for the fashion conscious artist who is always on the go.  You can go straight from the studio to being the Belle of the Ball.  Who’s going to notice a few paint smears?  You don’t need no stinkin’ smock!  It’s just as stunning in the kitchen when you’re using play dough with the kids.  Or making colored cupcakes.  Or painting the bathroom.  Or garage.  Or refilling your ink jet cartridges.  Experiment!  Have fun!  Necklace doubles as a snack holder.  Get ‘em while they’re hot, ladies!  I think you can be safe in the assumption that if you wear this to your husband’s Company Christmas party, there will be no one else wearing the same dress.  Trust me.  NO ONE.