And, How Was Your Breakfast?
I’ve been having some abdominal pains, so I had to have a CT scan done. To be able to see your insides properly once they fire up the radiation donut, you have to ingest an un-godly amount of “reflector juice”; or, as they call it; Barium Sulfate Suspension. They labeled it Berry Smoothie, as if that was going to trick my psyche, not to mention my taste buds, into willfully accepting this concoction as part of a nutritious breakfast. My other option was Vanilla Smoothie. Since I was given a choice, I picked Berry as the flavor that I would most like to detest for the rest of my life. Vanilla holds too many past, present and future memories to give up; Berry, not so much. One berry bad memory is the “Solo 1/2 gallon of Strawberry Ice Cream incident of 1978″. I paid dearly for that indiscretion, but in 1997 I was able to eat strawberries again for the first time. Time heals most wounds. Just take my advice: If you feel like you have to eat something just to get “your fair share” because there are 6 other people in your house, drink a large glass of water instead. Oh, and don’t watch TV. Way too distracting. You’ll lose all track of time; trust me. Your Gastrointestinal tract will thank you later.
The day of reckoning had come. My instructions were to drink one canister between 8 and 9 o’clock, and the second one between 9 and 10 o’clock. The canisters were each 450ml; about 16 ounces. I can do this; I thought. It’ll be like drinking a quart of beer in 2 hours, no problem! Actually, there was a problem. Beer tastes good; this stuff tasted like someone was trying to make something really bad tasting taste like a really bad berry smoothie. They nailed it. Slim-fast would be nirvana compared to this stuff. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you shouldn’t have to chew a smoothie, should you? Wouldn’t that be an oxymoron? Don’t get me started on the sandy residue left on your teeth, either. Drinking a sandpaper milkshake would have been superior to this. The first hour wasn’t so bad. It was like English class. The second hour? Like Calculus. In kindergarten. It’s hard to get 3 ounces down your throat when 27 ounces are trying to come back up. I chased visions of Linda Blair out my head as I drove to the Doctor’s office.
The CT machine wasn’t too intimidating. It looked like the super-collider, only sitting on it’s side. Oh, and it was about 17 miles smaller too. There was a bed in front of the machine to lie on. This confused me until the CT tech explained that the bed moved, not the machine. Made sense. Then I had visions of Mr. Incredible trying to fit into the escape pod launch tube that would take him to Syndrome’s island. I was a little nervous. Visually, I could fill that donut hole. I was a human Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkin. I laid down on the bed and prayed for some donut grease. Thankfully, it wasn’t needed. There was plenty of clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. Over? Dun! I asked the CT Tech; “What’s your vector, Victor?”, but she gave me a look that told me she had never seen Airplane!, so I let it go. The machine moved the bed in and out of the donut super collider a few times, told be hold my breath at all the right moments and in 5 minutes it was all over. ”That’s it?”, I asked. “Yep!”, she offered. Off the bed, get your free lollipop and go home. I didn’t even have to wear one of those paper gowns. If there’s such a thing as remedial medical procedures, this would have to be it. Except for that whole Barium Sulfate Suspension part. I got home, shaved my tongue and celebrated my little victory. The results came back and apparently, I may be pregnant. I’ll get back to you. They want to do some more tests. Something tells me “Turn your head and cough” won’t be one of them.
Xbox4NappyRash
yikes…
I’d have already run a mile at the site of the CT scan monstrosity…
Brave.
(NukeDad) I felt like Oded Fehr in “The Mummy”.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..One week wait
Sep 15, 2008 @ 3:46 am
Karen
Is it a girl or a boy or can they tell yet?! We’ll have to throw you an online baby shower, send you url’s to baby stuff, “This is what I’da bought you if this were a real baby shower!” When I had an ultrasound to make sure my spleen wasn’t eating my red blood cells (it wasn’t and I take a multivitamin now) I asked if it were a boy or girl and the ultrasound tech didn’t miss a beat, “Twins!” In that moment I wished I were a man, then maybe just maybe I woulda thrown her off a millisecond with a line she likely hears 10+ times a day.
I hope your GI issues go away and are not something serious! Oh and since my doc is preparing to force my butt into a GI doc’s office (he sent his nurse after me, the man plays dirty knowing I won’t mess with nurses in general but especially Julie!) you better not say anything too scary or I’ll have a new excuse to throw at him and he’ll hunt you down. I am his orneriest patient ever, I totally make him work for it, he’s had the GI doc he plans to send me to picked out for at least 6 months (out of 4 available apparently there is only one he will even think about sending me too). And he totally didn’t answer the question I sent him via e-mail about if flomax is right for me, the TV told me to ask him and it has such an appropriate and cool name… I haven’t decided if I should pretend to be a normal patient or not for the GI knowing my doc is totally going to warn him about how ornery I am. I wonder how abnormal it is to get so much joy out of messing with my doc (he is seriously the best doc ever). Gotta say this though, I am so glad my issues are upper GI and not lower, ain’t no way they are going in the out! We should form a broken GIT blogger support group, I’ll bring the prilosec, lol.
(NukeDad) You sound like the ideal patient.
Thankfully, all of my Doctors have a good sense of humor. Don’t know that I could trust them otherwise.
Karens last blog post..Worst Road Trip Ever
Sep 15, 2008 @ 5:46 am
Weaselmomma
I hope all is okay health-wise. However, if they have to follow-up with a colonoscopy will you live blog it. Or video stream it like Katie Couric did?
Sadistically yours,
(NukeDad) OK, You’ve just blown your “Nuke/Weasel” theory to smithereens; would you actually wish that upon yourself? Ouch!
Weaselmommas last blog post..It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane, It’s NukeWeasel-Super Blogger?
Sep 15, 2008 @ 5:55 am
Melisa
Ick. The prep drink sort of thing is the exact reason why I dread having to get a baseline colonoscopy in the next couple of years. On second thought, there are other reasons I dread that but the prep drink is definitely the earliest thing I dread.
The idea that SlimFast would be “nirvana” compared to that gave me just the visual I need. You should be a fiction writer. Oh wait, sometimes you are, right?
I hope everything is okay and that you’re feeling better soon!
(NukeDad) What I meant to say was that SlimFast would be like Steak and Lobster. And feeling better? I’ll let you in know in the 3rd tri-mester.
Melisas last blog post..Who Wants a Clean House?
Sep 15, 2008 @ 7:50 am
Weaselmomma
This should just keep them guessing.
(NukeDad) True, just don’t turn green and start breaking everything.
Weaselmommas last blog post..It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane, It’s NukeWeasel-Super Blogger?
Sep 15, 2008 @ 1:11 pm
tom
Ah, yes. The CT scan. The delicious preparation drink. The trip into the portal of claustrophobic doom. I remember it well. Glad to know you survived it all. Hope the results come out okay and it’s a simple fix.
(NukeDad) They should sell tickets for this ride.
toms last blog post..And it’s Mobile
Sep 15, 2008 @ 2:33 pm
Mike
All I want to know is how many beers before you got rid of the taste in your mouth? If its a boy or a girl I think you should name it Barium Sulfate…
Seriously hope all is well…
(NukeDad) I was out of beer, that’s why I had to shave my tongue.
Mikes last blog post..Good Neighbors, Good People
Sep 15, 2008 @ 4:16 pm
Kim
I have some awesome nursing bras you can borrow.
**hope all is okay..
(NukeDad) Ha, ha, thanks Kim! I hope the baby isn’t “Man-tose Intolerant”.
Kims last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – All About The Boy & His Blankie
Sep 17, 2008 @ 10:33 am
Nuclear Family Warhead » G.I. Blow
[...] when I told you about my wonderful barium sulfate breakfast? I had to drink it for a CT scan my Doctor ordered to try and find out why I had pain in my [...]
Dec 02, 2008 @ 5:00 pm