My Fellow Americans…

I know, I know; 4 more years of the same thing, or the ultimate unknown? McCain or Obama? How about a 3rd option that isn’t Ralph Nader? How about ME! Yeah, you read it correctly! Why not? I think I have the ability to communicate with Democrats (I have 3 children) AND Republicans (I married a CPA). Before you run off thinking it would be a wasted vote; look at my platform:

ECONOMIC PLAN:

Abolish the income tax

Federal and state. If the government wants your money then they can come to your house and do the yard or paint the house. They’ll have to earn it like everyone else does. Does your garage need cleaning?

Drill here, drill now, drill everywhere!

Let me get this straight; we have enough shale oil in Colorado, Utah and Wyoming to run the entire country for the next 100 years and no body’s doing anything with it? 1.5 TRILLION barrels. Just sitting there. My plan? 75% of all gas taxes collected by the Federal Government will go directly to shale oil production. There. I just saved a family of Antelope in ANWR.

EDUCATION PLAN:

Abolish “No Child Left Behind” Before They’re All Left Behind

Do you know what your children are learning in school? They’re learning how to pass a test. Teachers and Administrators are forced to be a “School of Distinction”, or some such nonsense to get their fair share of funding the next year, so guess what they’re teaching? Meanwhile; your kids do absolutely nothing the last 2 weeks of school so that EVERY TEACHER can concentrate on tutoring the 1% of kids who didn’t pass it the first time. My Plan? Get all of that Lottery money that was “for the schools” out of the state’s general fund and in the hands of the educators. If you go beyond 15% in administrative costs running your lottery, or put it in your state’s “General” fund, then you lose 25% of your Federal Highway Funding for the next year. Do it again and I’ll make it 50%.

DEFENSE STRATEGY:

Veterans Benefits

If a brave American Man or Woman is willing to risk their life to protect my freedom and the freedom of my family, the least I can do is ensure their quality of life once they come home. Henceforth; 50% of all community service hours served by misdemeanor offenders shall be spent painting and beautifying every VFW post in the United States. The other 50% will continue to be used for roadside trash collection. All Veterans will be allowed to choose any Doctor or Hospital at any time for any thing they need and/or want. Funding will come from the 50% of the Welfare Department budget that I plan on reappropriating. Still want your Welfare check? Grab a gun, I’ve got a Nation that needs protecting.

There’s lots more, but I think you’re starting to get the idea. It’s catching on, too. Check out this report from the local news and see what you think.

Thanks, Serts! (and Stacey)

Launch It:

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 27th, 2008 at 11:45 pm and is filed under Battlefront. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

Karen

Maybe I will request an absentee ballot after all! Seriously I would totally vote for someone with that platform! I would have to ask my dad since he follows the insanity as to what the IL polls are showing (not that polls are all that accurate) but I doubt it would be worth requesting the ballot and it would just draw unwanted attention to me. I am pretending I am still an IL resident and given both states seem to have no interdepartmental communication I am so getting away with it so far. Good thing my family does not live in cook county otherwise my vote(s) would go to Obama for sure, he’ll likely get 300% or so of the voters there, more if you count the cemetery residents. Chicago/Cook county doesn’t discriminate against the dead like so many do in other parts of the state and country!

(NukeDad) You’re right; I heard Mrs. O’Leary’s cow was going to vote for Obama. Al Capone too.

Karens last blog post..Contamination

Aug 28, 2008 @ 5:09 am

Weaselmooma

You have totally scooped me. I was going to post a similar mantra today. Good post, funny stuff.

(NukeDad) Just workin’ the beat, tryin’ to make a livin’.

Weaselmoomas last blog post..Saying Goodbye To Summer

Aug 28, 2008 @ 7:21 am

I could always be your running mate.

(NukeDad) NUKE-WEASEL ‘08!

Aug 28, 2008 @ 7:22 am

amy

You’ve got my vote!
And honestly, the whole testing in schools thing is just ridiculous. No wonder they hate going, learning is not fun anymore. I might actually consider home-schooling my brats if I didn’t love them so much

(NukeDad) Homeschooling? I think my kids would drop out cuz of bad teaching (Me).

amys last blog post..Big Pimpin’ (My Ride)

Aug 28, 2008 @ 9:52 am

Okay, so I was totally thinking more like Weasel-Nuke when I posted. Check out Weaselmomma For President to see the link love.

(NukeDad) So you wanted to beat Hillary as the first female Prez?

Aug 28, 2008 @ 12:33 pm

Jeremy (Discovering Dad)

Dude, that was hilarious. How did you get your gramma to show us her behind? You got my vote man.

(NukeDad) My Gramma? That wasn’t my Gramma; just a groupie.

Jeremy (Discovering Dad)s last blog post..How Have Economic Pressures Affected Your Home?

Aug 28, 2008 @ 1:35 pm

Melisa

Can I be your campaign manager?

(NukeDad) You got it. Just don’t talk with Carville’s twang and we’ll be OK.

Melisas last blog post..Better Late Than Never

Aug 28, 2008 @ 2:45 pm

matt

Count me in, man. It sounds like a pretty solid platform to me. Admittedly, I had to go back and read most of your stances on the issues a coupe of times. I got stuck on the “abolish income tax” one and couldn’t concentrate on the others. You could win an election on that slogan alone. By landslide.
Let me know if you need me to whip up some posters or buttons or anything. I can probably get you some hats at cost too.

(NukeDad) You got it Matt. I’m officially making you “Secretary of Bling”.

matts last blog post..Should I Let My Daughter Take Drugs?

Aug 28, 2008 @ 5:09 pm

Our campaign slogan could be “We have the Boobs!”.

(NukeDad) Are you suggesting that I need to be wearing a “Mansierre”?

Weaselmoomas last blog post..Weaselmomma For President!

Aug 29, 2008 @ 10:01 am

10 Sites to Discover this Weekend - Aug 29 | Discovering Dad

[...] Nuclear Family Warhead – My Fellow Americans… – this is hilarious! Vote for [...]

Aug 29, 2008 @ 1:07 pm

Stacey

As a teacher in the great state of Texas (where “King George II” got his feet wet) I can tell you that amongst educators, NCLB (no child left behind) is known as NTLS (no teacher left standing).

(NukeDad) Regardless of who gets elected, I think this will be something that they both look at fairly quickly once they take office. Someone had to do something.

Aug 29, 2008 @ 10:05 pm

tom

Thank you! We weren’t sure who we were going to vote for this election, but the Nuke-Weasel ticket is the platform we can back. I’m writing you both in.

(NukeDad) Your yard sign is on the way.

toms last blog post..Disneyland Or Bust

Sep 02, 2008 @ 5:46 pm