The Return Of A Virus Named Bob
I’ve talked about our little house guest before. If You don’t remember Bob, read this first. Go on. I’ll wait. OK; back? What did you think? Crafty little S.O.B. isn’t he? Well, he brought a friend with him this time. He smuggled him in through the one thing that was designed to protect us: medicine. That’s right, the medicine NukeMom was taking to make her “better” actually made her much, much worse. But I’m getting ahead of myself; let’s back up a little.
Bob and his merry band of Virusmen were traipsing through our neighborhood like a group of Johnny Appleseed’s on crack. They hit the Doc’s house and took down him and little Ebola. They hit AP’s house, but didn’t gain a foothold there. AP stocks enough vitamin C to last through 3 nuclear winters, so they came out OK. They crossed the street and got 2 of the Irish Tenors (there’s ‘ten or’ fifteen of them, can’t remember). They hit Klan Torgo’s house too; in fact, Ms. Torgo was at the Dr.’s office at the same time NukeMom was for the same thing: sore throat, general “blah-ness”. They each got their Big Pharma fix and went home. That’s where the stories took different paths. While Ms. Torgo progressed to welldom, NukeMom got progressively worse. By the beginning of last weekend, she was holding down food about as well as Britney Spears holds down her skirt.
NukeMom’s food intake waned day by day so that by Sunday she was ready for an IV drip. Water, Sprite, Ginger Ale, bananas, rice; all of the “safe” foods to eat were proving useless. Little did we know that the cause of all of this was the antibiotic NukeMom was taking to help her throat. The throat was feeling better now, but I think she’d have taken the sore throat back if it meant she could get some relief from the stomach gymnastics. I got her to the Doctor first thing Monday and they did blood work and took some “samples”. Just trust me on this and use your imagination, it wasn’t the type of samples you get from the cart jockeys at Sam’s or Costco. Test results came back Wednesday and showed that NukeMom had a bacterial infection brought on by the antibiotic she was taking for her throat. They promptly prescribed another antibiotic to counteract the original antibiotic. It’s kind of like pouring alcohol on an open wound; you know you have to do it, but you’re not exactly excited about it. We finally got the new antibiotic in her system, and she started to see a little relief. She limped into work on Thursday, and almost made it through the day. She made it all the way through today and was actually able to hold down dinner for the first time in a week.
NukeMom lost 19 pounds in the process. While that is an impressive number, it’s not a diet plan that I would recommend. Or should I? Maybe a little infomercial action? Late at night I’m sure we could sell a few hundred thousand copies of “Dehydrating to the Oldies”, or “Involuntary Stomach Pilates”. Better keep it hush-hush for now. Knowing Bob, he’ll want a percentage for being a “co-creator” or “technical advisor”. He’s probably long gone from our neighborhood now anyway. I’m sure he’s trying to cash in on the whole tomato salmonella outbreak thing. They’re only in 19 states right now. If they bring Bob and his bunch on board, they could be nationwide just in time for July 4th weekend.