Jun 06 2008
Hey Buddy, Wanna Buy A Ribeye, Cheap?
The meat wagon pulled into my driveway the other day. I’m not talking about the county coroners’ Hearse, or a burrito buggy that frequents construction sites; I’m talking a 1998 Dodge Ram 1500 with dents a plenty, peeling paint and in desperate need of a tune up. I mention the tune up only because the children who were riding their bikes up and down the street were now lying in the grass gasping for air. The eye-catcher; though, was the Kenmore 7.0 cubic foot chest freezer in the bed of the truck. That’s funny, I don’t remember ordering a dead body. Maybe NukeMom ordered me something special for Father’s Day.
“How are you today?”; the voice startled me. It was coming from the Unabomber look-a-like who was walking up my driveway. Not the sketch drawn Unabomber; I always thought the sketch looked like Tom Berenger (Platoon, Major League, The Big Chill), the actor. Poor guy, no wonder he wasn’t getting any acting jobs then. No, he looked like the Ted Kaczynski-scruffy hair-livin’ in the Montana wilderness-Unabomber. He had been across the street talking to my neighbor. What am I, Park-n-Go? “I was talking to your neighbor about some fabulous deals I’ve got”. Oh God, here we go.
As some of you know, I’ve spent most of my life in and around restaurants, so this guy trying to sell me meat was going to be an exercise in futility for him. He’d have better luck selling Juan Valdez a case of Folgers Crystals. I immediately dis-armed him by pointing to the brand new freezer in my garage and showing him my Sam’s Club receipt. It clearly showed where I had just purchased an entire Ribeye roll for less than $6.00 per pound; so buying his 6 individual 7oz Ribeye’s at $28.62 per pound just wasn’t making me feel all lovey-dovey. He continued with his sales pitch, throwing out words like; ‘wholesale’, ’case discount’, ‘flash-frozen’ and ‘package deal’. I think he even said ‘chance of a lifetime’ at one point. I just kept walking him towards his truck until we got to the driver’s door and he finally took the hint. He tried one last time with “I don’t know when I’ll be back this way again”. I thanked him and said ”No” for the 15 ba-zillionth time. He finally started up his truck and backed out of the driveway. The bike riders were back, but they were prepared this time. Two of them headed up-wind while those trapped down-wind dove for cover.
I know the poor guy was just trying to make a buck, but I have an aversion to buying meat off of a truck from someone who looks like an urban terrorist. It’s not like he was the Schwann’s guy or something. I’m sure some of it’s good; some of the things I’ve heard about the filet’s is positive, I’m just not willing to take that chance. Food poisoning and child rearing should never collide in the same sentence, let alone the same household. If he comes back next time with some Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, THEN maybe we can do some business. Keeping my fingers crossed…
Maybe if the truck had chimes, you woulda bought? Speaking of Ribeye, now you got me hankering for Philly Cheesesteaks.
(NukeDad) I don’t know about chimes. A Dreamcatcher, maybe.
toms last blog post..Give Them A Loophole, They’ll Swim Through It.
I know, I see those guys too. It’s like they were sold into Meatdom or something and pedal this stuff like it was black market primo grade bud and if they didn’t make the deal some meat pimp comes out and whips them. When they drive up to your house it’s like you’re standing under a dank street light, they open the passenger window, smoke comes out, you walk over to the window, look both ways, hand a wad of bills through the window and they hand you a frozen rib eye in a sandwich baggy and drive away. You put the ribeye in your clothes and do a Jive walk (one stiff leg) back up to your porch and close the door.
(NukeDad) Bwhahaa! Meat pimp. You’re killing me Ron! It’s true, they make it feel so “wrong”. I was checking out the neighborhood for dark sedans with tinted windows the whole time he was in my driveway. Hey, I’ve seen too many “Quinn Martin Productions” in my life to not be suspicious!
Audubon Rons last blog post..I’m kinda feeling serious today.
Maybe you would be interested if the meat truck had a nifty little tune to go with it like Mr. Softie?
(NukeDad) The only tunes that would be applicable to the truck that pulled in my driveway would be “Welcome To The Jungle” by Guns & Roses or “Feed My Frankenstein” by Alice Cooper.
Kims last blog post..Simple & Happy
That sounded more than a little creepy. Selling meat out of a frig in the back of a POS truck? No, thanks! Almost as bad as the freelancer selling shrimp in my neighborhood. Ewww!
(NukeDad) Next thing you know it’ll be kidney transplants.
Tara R.s last blog post..Another tourist rant…
When they released the sketch of the Unabomber, my Dad actually called me and said the guy looked like my husband. Really! Minus the curly hair, mustache, hoodie and glasses. I was like, “What else is there, Dad?”
(NukeDad) The chin, Momo. It’s all in the chin.
I love those guys. I LOVE telling them where my husband works. I get the same look I get from the JW’s when I tell them I worship the devil.
(NukeDad) Do you put horns on the kids and everything?
Mr Ladys last blog post..100 Words
Hey man…would you have bought it if there was a hot chick there trying to sell it?
(NukeDad) You tryin’ to get me in trouble? OK, I’ll answer: If it was Terri Hatcher in a bikini, then the dogs would have eaten very well that night. How’s that for a “safe” answer?
Jolly Green Dads last blog post..Thought for the Weekend
I don’t understand how these guys can stay in business. We’ve got a few that drive around our neighborhood, and I never see anyone buying anything from them. My grandfather was a butcher, and let me tell you, there’s nothing better than fresh meat. Trucked meat? Not for me either Nuke.
(NukeDad) Agreed. My Dad split a hog one time with a buddy of his. I was with them when he picked up the hog from the farmer to take to the butcher. As a joke, we pulled over for a hitchhiker. “Jump in the back”, my Dad told him. Needless to say, when he pulled open the door of the camper shell and saw 600 lbs of live hog, he said he’d wait for the next car.
Jeremy (Discovering Dad)s last blog post..Premature Anguish - A Repeat Performance
I see him as the hick cousin of the Milk Man.
(NukeDad) True, but in those days, at least you knew the milkman was coming! This was a totally unannounced assault on the senses. Well, every sense except taste!