Jun 05 2008
Forgettable Moments In Food History
Today is Nukeboy1’s day to have Dad bring him lunch at school. He went with the healthy option this week and decided on Subway. Finally! After suggesting it all year, he finally decided that this; the last lunch of the year, would be the healthy one. That’s fine, except that today I am in full carnivore mode and I’m craving a greasy cheeseburger the way a chubby Britney Spears craves spandex; foolishly and relentlessly. I suppose I could go to 2 different places, but then I wouldn’t be “leading by example” now, would I? Subway it is. At least they don’t cut that ridiculous “wedge” out of the bread and then place it back on top like they used to. Remember that? The first time I ever ate at Subway I thought the sandwich maker was some part-time scrapbooker who just got carried away with my bread. I looked inside the sandwich fully expecting to see tomatoes cut into hand-holding paper dolls and pickles cut into cloverleaf’s. Was I seeing things? Had she spelled out “Have a Nice Day” with the squeeze bottle of mayonnaise like on a birthday cake? I was seeing things. She got the “H” done and then the manager yelled at her to hurry things up.
This started me thinking of other not so great moments in the world of food. Remember the “McDLT”? It kept the hot side hot, and the cool side cool; if I recall. George Costanza himself (Jason Alexander) did the song and dance for the commercial. It’s a great exercise in early attempts at diversity, also. The only thing I couldn’t see was an Indonesian Phlebotomist. Here’s the video.
After seeing that, it’s hard to think of all the classic Costanza-isms: the marble rye, the wedding invitation death glue, shrinkage, “Is anyone here a Marine Biologist?” But back to our subject; the marketing people at Taco Bell have been working overtime the last decade or so. I think it all started when they were overstocked on flour tortillas and needed a way to unload them. Some genius in marketing who is probably CEO by now, said; “Lets just slather some re-fried beans on it, wrap it around a taco and call it a gordita!” The 3am munchies would never be the same. Come to think of it, late night diners can explain about 74% of Taco Bell’s menu. No sane, sober person would eat that stuff. Eventually it will lead to this:
I wonder if Taco Bell’s long range marketing plan is to eventually have customers order by the pound rather than the item? Could be; look how McDonald’s and Burger King have trained our children to choose where they eat based on the toys, not the food.
It’s not just the restaurants who do it either, there are plenty of examples of food abuse on the home front as well. Think about the absolute worst thing your parents ever fed you. Now, have you tried to feed it to your kids? What are your kids’ least favorite items? My list isn’t huge, but then, it’s not only one item either. With apologies to my Mom, here is a list of my least favorite dinners as a kid: Chicken livers and onions with beets. No kidding. At the same time. It took all 5 of us kids to rebel one night at the table together. Our solidarity paid off next time Mom & Dad had this meal and we got hot dogs and mac & cheese. How about beef liver and apple rings? See the above scenario to see how things turned out. Thankfully, my parents’ venture into the wonderful world of animal organs ended there, and we were never subjected to cow’s tongue or calf’s brain. We lived in El Paso, the menudo capital of the world. Menudo isn’t just a boy band from Mexico, it’s a dish made from the stomach lining of a cow. It’s supposed to cure a hangover, but I was never brave enough to think that I could hold that down when I was having a hard enough time holding down the previous nights Taco Bell. There was pineapple salad, which was 2 leaves of lettuce with pineapple tidbits on top. Yum! A slight variation of this salad was usually served with fish sticks and you simply had to substitute a dollop of mayonnaise for the pineapple. Are you getting hungry yet? Cream chip beef: they have another name for it in the military, ask a veteran. Cabbage and vinegar is in there somewhere, along with brussel sprouts, creamed spinach, creamed corn; basically any vegetable with cream that has no business having cream in it in the first place. In their defense, my parents’ list of menu items is 10 times what I serve my kids, and 90% of it was excellent. I still call my Mom today for recipes and reminders. I just don’t ask about the ones that used to give me bad dreams.
Dude, you’ll eat anything. LOL That video ruled. Seinfeld rules. Funny stuff man! Hey, every watch SeaLab 2021 on Adult Swim? They did some hilarious Grizzlebee commercial things there, making fun of Applebees, Fridays (sorry), chain restaurants et.al.
(NukeDad) I’ve heard of SeaLab 2021, but I haven’t had a chance to see it yet. TGI Chilibee’s will probably be in our future.
Been there with the liver & onions. We did have to choke down beef tongue, once. Once. My mom used to make chicken soup using the carcass left over from Sunday night’s dinner, throwing it in a huge pot with a handful of rice. My brother christened it “Eagle Claw Soup” Bon Apetit. We were very skinny children. Our kids today have NO IDEA what gastronomical horrors we were subjected to. None.
(NukeDad) Tongue. Ewww. The only food with the ability to taste you back. The soup actually sounds good; bones are good for the stock. Now, if she made you eat the bones and called it meat, then you have a legitimate gripe.
toms last blog post..Traditions
I love your take on the WTF old school subway sandwiches. In fact, when I first started my blog, I had a post about just that! But I couldn’t pull off the funnies so I shelved it. Glad to see that someone was successful in that. And I have to say I loves me some entrails. Menudo is GOOOOODD! Can’t say the same for multilayered Taco Bell monstrosities. Any time you use beans to fulfill the role of spackling, you’re asking for trouble.
(NukeDad) You’re a braver man than me, BusyD. I figure: if a cow needs 2 stomachs to digest it’s food, what makes us think that our 1 little stomach will be able to digest even part of the cows’? Spackling. Thank you. I have some dry-wall to install.
BusyDads last blog post..The Distinguished Gentleman
That is so funny that you posted the Taco Town video, because I read the first part of your blog and thought, “Ha! That reminds me of Taco Town!”
So then I went to locate the Taco Town video to put here in my comment, clicked “copy” on the link, and then came back to read the rest…and discovered that you beat me to it.
First David Sedaris and now this. Are you sure you’re not the male version of me?
(NukeDad) Could be, could be. If you hate scrubbing toilets, think that “not keeping score” in YMCA sports is useless since the kids do, are partial to Ben and Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch even though they run out of room on the cartons trying to promote all of their causes and open the door and yell “GO AWAY!” when someone comes to your door trying to sell you meat and seafood out of a freezer in the bed of their truck for only $2.39 a pound; then you might be right! I AM THE HUMAN RUN-ON SENTENCE! I think I just found my next post.
Melisas last blog post..Ballroom Dancing Week Two: The Dancers’ Mutiny
And by the way, I worked at McD’s when the McDLT came out. They couldn’t put it in the warmer with the rest of the burgers so they had to make a “half warmer/half cooler” contraption, especially for this sandwich. The Big and Tasty sandwich (current) is basically the lazy-man’s McDLT.
Gawd, I’m such a McD’s geek.
(NukeDad) I want to know about the paper hats. C’mon. Spill.
Melisas last blog post..Ballroom Dancing Week Two: The Dancers’ Mutiny
Too busy giggling to comment. There in spirit, though.
(NukeDad) And a tip of the paper fast food worker’s hat to you! I’d had this in my head for awhile and after reading your post http://www.cre8buzz.com/anthill/?p=593 I knew it was time.
Mr Ladys last blog post..Where’s Waldo?
Totally the same, you and I…except I prefer Cherry Garcia.
All of that other stuff? Been there, done that. Especially the run-on sentences. LOL
BTW, as a girl at my McD’s, I was lucky enough to get to wear a lovely polyester uniform “cap” instead of a paper hat, which I still have, and in fact, I have to go through the boxes where I’m sure it is packed away in the next few weeks so I’ll take a photo for you! (see? Run-on!)
(NukeDad) You’ve gotta still have the name tag too, right? HaHa, can’t wait.
Melisas last blog post..Parents: Your Kids Aren’t Born With Phone Etiquette (You Have To Teach Them)
Um, yeah. I think I do. *giggling*
Got a problem with that? LOL
(NukeDad) No, but if you type in “would you like to try an apple pie with your comment today?” when you reply, then it’s on!
Melisas last blog post..Parents: Your Kids Aren’t Born With Phone Etiquette (You Have To Teach Them)
How could you forget cube steak sandwiches, butter beans and ham (my personal gag meal), mustard and bread crumb coated fried Spam and I don’t think you ever had to suffer through Mom’s favorite “cold meal” in the summer and that was canned corned beef-cold. Sorry Mom!! You are a fantastic cook but everyone makes a mistake now and then.
(NukeDad) I liked the cube steak challenge! Why do you think I have such strong incisors? I could gnaw my way out of a bear trap if I had to! Butter beans and ham was an acquired taste. I acquired the taste when I was about 33. I can’t believe you brought up the spam. My brain had locked it out successfully for over 3 decades until tonight. The canned corned beef wasn’t so bad if you ate around the “jelly”.
Can’t let this one get away without mentioning Spam and Brussels sprouts. Ewww. The McRib was also a rather nasty menu offering from the Golden Arches.
(NukeDad) Tara, my sister just reminded me of spam just before you left your comment. I’m still trying to come to terms with it. Do therapists treat Post Traumatic Spam Disorder? The McRib: where did they find such small pigs? Seems cruel, is all.
Tara R.s last blog post..No prize in our Cracker Jacks