May 20 2008
Lester Holt Saves The World
Like most people, I’m waiting with bated breath for the Indiana Jones sequel. Can’t wait to see Harrison Ford beat down some Nazi’s with his walker and bedpan. Is it just me, or does he look older in the previews for Part 4 than Sean Connery looked in Part 3? Look for the Metamucil and Depends product placements, they’re bound to be in there somewhere. Probably when they’re in some temple miles away from a bathroom. Don’t get me wrong, I love Harrison Ford, he’s made more blockbusters than anyone, but hopefully he’ll be passing the hat and whip off to Shia LaBeouf.
We’re taking Nukeboy1 and Nukeboy2 when it comes out, and over the past 2 weekends the Indiana Jones movies have been playing on the Sci Fi channel, so we got them caught up on the first three. Last night, after Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade, the Sci Fi channel ran a special called The Mystery of The Crystal Skulls. Lester Holt from NBC/MSNBC, Today Weekend and God knows where else he’ll be showing up next, was the host. After the first 20 minutes of the show, I began to wonder; who did he piss off in order to get stuck with this? Did he forget to pick up Matt Lauer’s dry cleaning or something? I mean, the poor guy gets bounced all over the place. One minute he’s on MSNBC as a political analyst, then he’s on NBC doing investigative journalism, then he’s on Today Weekend having a coffee klatch with the NBC babe du jour talking about the best way to keep the dogs from digging in your garden this summer. Lester; buddy, meet with your agent and slap them upside the head. One of you needs to be in control of your career, and it looks like it ain’t you.
Enough about Lester, let’s get to the “show”. Mystery of The Crystal Skulls could have been an educational show. Instead they went with the “Weekly World News” option: make outlandish claims, back it up with no proof, over promise and under deliver. This was the type of show that spends the last minute and a half before commercial telling you what’s coming up after the break. After the break, they recap what they have covered so far, and then tell you what’s coming up next. Then they show you what’s coming up next. Problem is; at that point it’s time for another commercial break and the cycle starts all over again. This show had more filler than a prom dress. Total running time of pertinent information? About 17 minutes. Total running time of actual show? Two hours. Cheese molds faster than that.
This show was all over the place. It talked about the skulls, the Mayan calendar, 2012, the end of the world and how we had all better get ready. What? Again? Doomsayers have been around forever; hell, they still quote Nostradamus today! Look; when it’s your time to go, don’t bother packing a suitcase, it’ll be over before you know it. It might be an asteroid (Potato?) tomorrow, or a late running city bus the next day, but when your ticket is punched, there aren’t any refunds. In my lifetime alone I have survived a lot of things that were supposed to kill me, or very well should have killed me. Here is a partial list: Skylab, H.R. Pufnstuf, the 7th grade, Disco, DDT, the ‘69 Mets, Chunky Peanut Butter, Punk Rock, Y2K, Saccharin, Aspartame, Splenda, Olestra, Drilling in ANWR, Voting for Reagan, Reading too much Stephen King, My 1971 Volkswagen Beetle, 501 jeans, Voting for Reagan again, Nicholas Cage Movies, Anthrax, Tearing off those mattress tags, Playing Led Zepplin backwards and Shopping at Wal-Mart. Any one of these could have easily done me in. Can you imagine what would have happened if I had worn my 501’s into a Wal-Mart to buy chunky peanut butter in the 7th grade? We wouldn’t be having this conversation; would we?
I’ve learned to enjoy the moment; don’t get yourself all worked up over something that will probably never happen. Even if it does happen, what can you do to stop it? Nothing. Just go to a Van Halen concert featuring David Lee Roth and wait for the Apocalypse; or is that an oxymoron?
GOD DARN IT STOP BEING FUNNIER THAN EVERYONE ELSE.
Also, I told my boys today that I had a little crush on Shia and they told me I was gross. And old.
Also also, bated breath? Can breath be bated? How exactly does breath bat? Can breath hit a home run? I’d pay to see that. I’d sit with bated breath, actually.
(This is, of course, my blogging equivalent of throwing a rock at you on the playground. You know that, right?)
(NukeDad) Maybe I’ll feature “bated” on BWW? What do you think? Shia is a talented young man. If you haven’t already seen it, rent “Holes” and watch it with your boys; it’s good and so is the LaBeouf kid. Oh, and your rock hit me in the eye. I’m telling!
Hmmm. Mentioning Olestra and Chunky Peanut Butter in the same sentence. Is your stomach okay?
(NukeDad) It used to be.
Boy, you are lucky to be alive. And to think of all the times I watched HRPufenstuff while eating chunky peanut butter…makes me feel faint, just to consider it.
(NukeDad) I know, to this day I can’t see a VW Bug (even the new ones) while thinking of Skylab without feeling a little light-headed.
Agreed, my brother in arms, Nicholas Cage is just a disturbing fellow. Granted, Leaving Las Vegas is one hell of a film, but the creepiness factor can’t be avoided.
What’s wrong with chunky peanut butter, many a rainy day have been salvaged because of chunky peanut butter and strawberry jelly.
(NukeDad) I can sum up Nicholas Cage in 1 of his lines: “Give me the bunny” (Con-Air). Quite possibly the worst mis-casting of all time. Loved him in “National Treasure”, though. I love chunky peanut butter! Remember; it’s the things that “they” said would kill us, not what I said would kill us.
Ok man, but tell me your still gonna see the movie though, right? I know I am.
(NukeDad) Oh, Heck yeah! Wouldn’t miss it.
I’m totally seeing the new Indiana Jones when it comes out this week. And as soon as Edan’s old enough, she will be watching the entire series — because it’s part of growing up
(NukeDad) You’re absolutely right! That’s why we had our boys watch the first 3, so they would have a grasp on what was going on when we take them this week to see #4! Let me know what you think after you see it.
Oh, NukeDad, I own every movie that boy’s been in. MeeeOwww.
Neener Neener tattle tailer!
(NukeDad) You know those thoughts that are running through your head right now? Well, in Georgia, they could put you in jail for even thinking them. Get ahold of yourself, woman!
Hey Nuke! Absolutely hilarious! And I’m glad I missed the show. If the “report” was that bad, then the movie must be a bomb. That’s too bad. I really liked the original three. Oh well…
(NukeDad) Tom, I actually think the movie will be great. The show could have been much better. Sci Fi should leave shows like that to the History/Discovery Channel people; they know how to make them.
But, wouldn’t you rather be dead than watch H.R Pufnstuf? Really?
(NukeDad) I don’t know; that Witchiepoo was pretty hot. If you’re into bent noses and single digit teeth.
He’s like the “No Trans Fats” logo for news. Slap him on a show and you will automatically just assume it’s got news substance. Just like “No Trans Fats” on a bag of Jelly Bellys makes it health food.
(NukeDad) Jelly Bellys aren’t health food? Crap. I agree, if they would just give him a home and let him stay there he could start building up a mediocre following.