May 15 2008
It Came From Planet Spudtron
This is unbelievable. I’ve never seen anything like it. God willing, I’ll never see anything like it again. THAT’S A POTATO PEOPLE! All 2lb’s, 12oz’s of it. You’ll excuse me if I take some liberties here, but I’m calling it a 3 pound potato. It’s 8 1/2 inches long! If Arby’s made a curly fry out of it, it would circle the globe twice. If I thought it would keep, I’d put it in the freezer, buy a cowboy hat and enter it in next years County Fair. That’s a blue ribbon tater if I’ve ever seen one.
Where did it come from? That’s what I’d like to know. Technically it came from a local store that will remain unnamed until the NEST crew has had a chance to put away their Geiger counters. The bag said: “Island Potato’s”, I just didn’t realize that they meant Three Mile Island. I cut it in half and used one half to make mashed potato’s. We had them last night. And tonight. Probably on the menu tomorrow night as well. The other half will be used to make potato salad. I”m sure there will be plenty left over, so if you are interested, send me a self-addressed, stamped 55 gallon drum and I’ll be glad to send you some. This offer is only open to the first 400 people who reply.
I have a theory on this; so stick with me. I’ve been doing some leg work, and I’ve come across a few things. I’m not trying to be Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory, but follow me here. Exhibit A is a picture of an asteroid slamming into the earth at 500 gazillion-billion miles an hour. Looks to be about the same size as the one that took out the dinosaurs. A “Global Killer”, they call it. Now, knowing what I pulled out of my bag of spuds the other day, the photographic evidence of which I have just shown you, I ask you: does there seem to be something familiar looking about that asteroid? See any resemblance to a certain vegetable that has been persecuted on this planet for thousands of years? No? Require further proof? Fair enough. Take a look at this:
I give you Exhibit B. The one in front is shaped more like your classic russet potato, rather than the longer, more tubular Idaho spud, but the family resemblance is there. Now, do you see what’s lurking there in the background? See it? Back in the shadows? Ducking for cover behind Uncle Tuber? THAT’S MY POTATO! I’m convinced of it! See the straight clean lines down the sides? The eyes that will be plucked out during the peeling process? I think the evidence is overwhelming. My potato came from outer space. Probably some planet called Spudtron, or Tater Centauri. The aliens on that planet have been hurling these giant spuds at us for millions of years, and only now is the truth coming out. I know this to be true, because I saw Starship Troopers and that’s what the bugs did in that movie, so my theory carries some weight, don’t you think? One last question: Do you think that right before the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs hit earth that the dinosaurs heard; “Would you like fries with that?” I think they did, they just shouldn’t have ordered them extra crispy.
That 3 pound potato could feed an entire Army barracks! It must have come from fields where the cows crapped all over it with growth hormone poo. I would walk away from it right now!
(NukeDad) TOO LATE!! It’s already been ingested! Will Nukeboy1 grow antennae out of his head? Will Nukegirl grow into a 50ft town crusher? I don’t know. It’ll be great blog fodder if they do.
I’m surprised you didn’t bring up the mountain of mashed potatoes from “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”. You know, that could fit right into your theory.
Great, now I can’t get those five musical notes out of my head.
(NukeDad) That’s a great point Melisa, I’d forgotten about that. Maybe I should schedule a trip to The Devils Tower in Wyoming and see how many “potato farmers” live near there.
hahaha, that’s a large spud alright. Wow.
(NukeDad) You should have seen the tater tots swarming around it. It looked like the movie “Independence Day”
It’s the missing Russian Spudnik. Get it, Spudnik/Sputnik?
Oh never mind, you’re a tough audience tonight.
(NukeDad) Good one, Ron. That’s 2 I’ve given away! The Close Encounters segue, and now “Spudnik”. How much do you charge to be an editor?
I was thinking along the lines of “Spud Missle” — but I guess that’s reaching. Scud… spud… okay, I have officially sucked the humor out of that one. My apologies.
(NukeDad) No, no, you did good…potato’s was about all Saddam had left there at the end. If he HAD launched his spud missiles at Israel, at least they could have had tater tots after the Patriot missiles took them out.
Either you’re on to something, or you’ve been drinking too much.
(NukeDad) I think it’s both. That homemade Russian potato vodka makes you blog some weird stuff.
Oh wow….that is a big one. In a previous life, I worked for a chip company and saw big spuds there, but never one that big!
I subscribe to the Planet Spudtron theory myself!
(NukeDad) What else could it be? WE ARE NOT ALONE!
Dr. Doogie Howser was in Starship Troopers.. (i can’t believe I just admitted I have seen that movie.) Throw that spud at my head.
(NukeDad) HaHa! I forgot about Doogie. He was the Brain guy, right? I just laughed ‘cuz all the white actors were supposed to all be from Buenos Aires, Argentina! By the way, my Bloghoppers name is “Nukie Howser”.
As an Irishman, I’ll pay you 7 gazillion dollars for that!
(NukeDad) Haha! Thanks, XboX! I had some Irish/potato blurbs lined up, but I thought better of it.
Hey! Glad I found your blog from Jeremy’s site.
Have you submitted that potato to UFO Files? Eerie.
(NukeDad) Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones came by and showed me a pretty light, but other than that, I haven’t heard a thing.
You, sir, are unwell.
(NukeDad) That’s what my interventionist tells me.
You say po-tato, I sat po-HOLY F%%^#!!
(NukeDad) Can’t wait to see your reaction when I come home with a 5lb Tomato! Or is it Tamato?
no no, I’m pretty sure I SAY “HOLY F%%^#!!” I don’t “sat” on swear words very often.
(NukeDad) Well, BusyD, thanks for doin’ it here!