Apr 22 2008
I Thought Melissa Etheridge Was Singing To Me, Not My Wife
I’ve been thinking about perception lately, because things aren’t always what they seem. The title pretty much says it all, and I can distinctly remember being at that Melissa Etheridge concert in 1992 when this realization hit me (and NukeMom). I think NukeMom noticed it first when she said “Wow, there aren’t very many guys here.” Since this was only our second or third date (we weren’t married yet), I was paying more attention to NukeMom in her hot black top than I was the makeup of the crowd. After she said that was when I noticed that not all of the short haircuts belonged to men. Ms. Etheridge didn’t “come out of the closet” until early in 1993, and apparently, there were a lot of people who knew about her closet; I just wasn’t one of them. I was subjected to endless laughter from my friend Ann the next day at work. “You really didn’t know?”, she asked me. “I knew you were gay, because you don’t make it a secret, but Melissa took me by surprise.” I said. Don’t get me wrong, I was still a fan, but “Come To My Window” never really sounded the same.
I relate that story because I find parallels with Nukegirl. She is very good at making her reality my perception. Some will say that she has me “tightly wrapped around her little finger”, while I contend that it is a simple slip knot, and that I can escape at any time. Nukeboy1 and Nukeboy2 exhibit infrequent feeble attempts at manipulation, but they are no match for their little sister. Is it in the female DNA? This superhuman ability to bat an eyelash, or purse a lip that sends the male of the species clambering for the TV remote control? Maybe it’s the chromosomes: xx=girl and xy=boy. Do we males have a “Y” because the bottom right leg fell off of the “X”? Maybe that little piece of the chromosome holds all of the secrets that the females possess. In that little piece of chromosome is eyelash batting, crying on cue, do these jeans make my butt look big?, the affinity for the Lifetime Movie Channel, the ability to spend 30 minutes in a store and come out having not purchased a single thing and the ability to project their perception into the minds eye of the male. Just a theory. I’m not a scientist, I just play one on the Internet.
Funny you should bring this up. My mother (insane; different story, different day) found my stashed M.E. cassette that I thought I had cleverly hidden by recording over my Janis Ian cassette, but not changing the label. She freaked out. It was, oh, 88 or something? She stood in the doorway, screaming at me about the perversion and the penis talk. “Did you hear that? Did you hear her say TOUCHING YOUR SIN? She’s talking about PENISIS and you brought this filth into our house!” blahblahblah.
I have never in my whole life felt so vindicated as when Melissa came out. Suck on THAT, mom.
And yes, we’re just more awesome than you guys is all.
(NukeDad) So my theory on the missing 1/4 chromosome IS correct! I knew it!