Nuclear Family Warhead

Strange things have been happening at our house.  Things have been disappearing, only to reappear somewhere else hours or even days later.  Items that once belonged to one person have now become the property of another.  The exchange usually takes place without the original owner even being aware that their property has been pilfered.  One example of this phenomenon appeared just recently in our garage.  Here is the photographic forensic evidence.

I lined up the usual suspects and began my line of questioning.  First up: Nukeboy1.  “Nukeboy1, do you know how this butt pad ended up on Nukegirl’s bike?”  “I don’t know Dad, I just live here”, he said.  The funny thing is; Nukeboy1 had recently acquired the butt pad in question from NukeMom.  It was a “loaner”, an “I swear I’ll give it back”, it was dangerously close to being a “well, you never use it anyway.”  Nukeboy1 was of the opinion that it was a borrow/lien/possession equation: if you don’t ask for it back within the time period that he thinks is sufficient, then ownership defaults to him.  “Possession is 9/10ths of the law, you know.”  Touche, Columbo.

Nukeboy2 was rounded up just so we’d have enough suspects for the line up.  He had an airtight alibi.  He was on a moon of Endor conquering Lego stormtroopers.  I set my sights on Nukegirl.  The little Svengali had a standard M.O.; deny, deny, deny; and then, reason with hypotheticals.  “It wasn’t me Daddy, I was just drawing with my chalk.”  Little did she know that I had already noticed the pale blue and pink traces of chalk dust glaring from the surface of the jet black bike seat.  I would save this for later.  Just when she thought she’d be making bail, I’d drop the bomb shell and we’d move on to the plea-bargaining.  It would be awesome; just like the last 4 1/2 minutes of CSI.  Besides, she was already under suspicion for aiding and abetting in the disappearance of an entire family of chalk people.  You can read my case file here.

“Are you sure you don’t know how the butt pad got on your bike?” I asked her again.  “It was just there, Dada, I’m serious!”  Denial number two; she was playing right into my hands.  “But it couldn’t just get there by itself, honey, someone had to put it there” I good copped.  “Maybe it fell off of Nukeboy1’s bike and landed on my seat” she offered.  Plausible?  Maybe on the Wonder Pets, but not on my beat.  “And it would just land perfectly on your bike seat on the other side of the garage?” I asked.  “Yeah! That’s what happened; and then, it told me to sit on it.”   She was good, but I wouldn’t be taken off task.  “Do you see all of this chalk on the seat?” I asked her.  “Yes” was all she could muster.  The head went down, the lip pouted and she knew she’d been caught.  “I’m sorry Daddy, I just wanted to use it so my hiney would be nice and fluffy.”  I had to give her credit for motive, at least.

She pleaded guilty to larceny and possession of stolen goods.  She was sentenced to 15 to 20 minutes without television, and will be on chalk probation for 3 weeks.  With good behavior, she could be out in 5 minutes. Case Closed.

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